Modifying Motherhood

A Little Extra Effort

2012-01-08T22:04:00.000-08:00

First off - Happy New Year!! I've missed you all and I'm really going to try to make a little more effort to pop in more often. I really miss blogging and I really miss all of you and your fabulous wisdom and sisterhood in the world of motherhood and stepmotherhood. I’m still working on what 2012 will be the year of by the way for those of you that have seen my New Year’s expectations blog. I think that perhaps I’ve stumbled upon it and just need to fine tune it a bit.

On to the show. Now that I have a biological child who has made want to just rip my hair out at times I’ve had moments where I feel bad for any impatience with the boys. However, I think its more frustration that I don’t have that bond with them. I’ve been working on building my own bonds with them. And each one of them is different.

I’ve put a bit of thought into it lately. Older Boy is playing in the city’s youth basketball league. I’m so excited for him. He loves basketball and I’m so happy that he’ll get some more socialization out of doing something he loves. The bittersweet thing about it though is that I’ll be giving up my “Me” time on Saturday mornings.

Jane has been rather dedicated to taking the boys every weekend. There have really only been 2-3 time that she’s cancelled on them since we moved. I don’t know if being closer has done the trick or if now that they are older and all potty trained, or if maybe she’s finally seen the light (or a glimmer) and is trying to make up for the time she’s missed out on. Either way, I won’t lie. I love being able to sleep in on Saturday morning and not have my hubby or the boys to wake me up or to be responsible for.

Back to the point … Older Boy’s games are on Saturdays. I called Jane today to talk about what she would like to do in regards to Older Boy and her visits. She informed me that she would prefer it if I kept him here Friday nights and then she would pick him up after the game. I won’t lie. I really wanted to be selfish and tell her that she could bring him to the afternoon games and I would bring him to the morning games. However, I didn’t want to start anything. I am rather picky about choosing which battles to fight. It’s only for a couple of weeks and I know I’ll get some “Me” time in again at some point.

And back to the bittersweet of it. Now that I have Baby JC I’ve experienced that unconditional love where even though I want to pull my hair out, I can wade through the fits and crying and teething and all that. But I still feel that when it comes to the boys I need to put in just a little extra effort. And I feel bad about it. I know I shouldn’t, it’s rather normal and I’m only human. I think it comes to that I try my best to make sure that I treat all my children the same way. And I really, really want to give all of my love. But that unconditional love just doesn’t come as naturally when it comes to the boys.

I’m sure it gets easier the longer you are able to build a relationship with each child…even the biological ones. I think I just need to learn to give myself a little slack and remember that Rome just wasn’t built in a day.

My Heart Skipped a Beat

2011-12-01T18:28:00.000-08:00

I'm currently the magazine club adviser at the middle school in town. We needed an extra interview for a 6th grade boy so I volunteered to go ahead and do one on Older Boy.

So last night we sat down. It was a list of questions like "What book should everyone read?" and "What is your favorite class so fat?"

So we got down to the question "Who is your hero?" I asked him expecting him to come up with some sports player and:

Crys: "OK. Who is your hero?"

Older Boy: "You are."

Crys: "Me?!"

Older Boy: "Yeah."

Crys: "Aw, thanks!"

At first I had thought I heard him wrong. And then my heart about skipped a beat. I didn't ask why, although I certainly wanted too. But his answer alone was enough to make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Tweendomhood

2011-11-29T00:03:00.000-08:00

I can’t believe so much time has passed between now and my last post. I guess that’s what happens though when life seems to be going full-speed ahead dangerously out of control. And travelling every other weekend, a teething baby and other life wonders and mishaps don’t help any.

I’ve come here today though to discuss Older Boy. He is a ~~hair-pulling, head banging,~~ lovely 11-year-old middleschooler now. And with that comes a motivation for independence, but a lack of responsibility. For some reason he can’t fathom that responsibility will bring independence. In other words … I’d love to pick your brains on what has worked for you on how to motivate a tween to be more responsible when it comes to things like:

Turning homework in
Asking teachers for a list of missing homework assignments
Turning in important things like money for class trips or fundraisers
Remembering to bring your lunch to school – especially on days that you have basketball practice or a basketball game

Those are probably the things up there on the list.

I cannot offer an allowance. Our money is pinched so tight right now that FH and I have to borrow money from each other to pay bills. I’ve gotten pretty crafty and switching money from one account to another. Although I have told Older Boy that if he can continuously show us he can be responsible I’d be willing to consider some sort of allowance system. However, he just doesn’t seem able to stay motivated.

When I ask him about something he gets this “I forgot” look or excuse. He tells me “OK” and I tell him “Don’t tell me OK. Show me that you can do it.”

I’m not sure if the more regular overnight visits with Jane have anything to do with it. Ever since they’ve started to regularly stay over at her house on the weekends both Older Boy and Younger Boy have taken steps back in their will to thrive in our household. Surprisingly Middle Boy is the only one who has continued to take steps forward.

Anyway, I’m at a loss. Any words of wisdom would be so wonderful and welcomed and much appreciated.

And for your time in reading this here is a little treat for you. Baby J.C. is now a spunky, spit fire, darling 1-year-old. She is more like me every day. I’m in trouble.

Reading me a story

Updates Fall 2011 and a Video

2011-09-20T00:37:00.001-07:00

I thought life was chaotic and busy when I moved in with my three instant kids and soon to be hubby. But life with a husband, three instant kids, two cats and a walking almost one year old baby is beyond chaotic. I think “Oh, I’ll sit down to bust out a blog,” or “I should blog about this and this or that.” And then Baby J.C. wakes up, or someone needs help with their homework, or the cats are convinced they are starving and won’t leave me alone until they are fed, or there is always dinner that needs to be cooked too. I feel like everything is an update lately. I guess it’s better than nothing, right?

Let the updates begin…

Jane moved into a two bedroom finally. I haven’t heard any more from her about wanting Middle Boy to go live with her. Nor have I heard any more commotion about whether or not her man is actually hitting their son or not. I’ve yet to see a police report on file or a repeat of Jane running off in the middle of the night. I’m still trying to accept that her priorities are screwy and there’s just no ever “getting her.” Whatever will be, will be, right?

The boys are loving small town life. And by boys I mean F.H too. They have been blossoming even more than I thought possible. Older Boy actually had friends come to the door the other day to see if he could come out and play. It’s so nice to be in a small community. Middle Boy has even decided that he’s found a calling as a farmer one day. I’m going to be going to a 4H meeting this week to find out about getting him started up in our local 4H. And while Younger Boy is currently dealing with the fact that yelling at your brothers isn’t going to get you your way, he seems to be just growing up before my eyes. I still can’t believe that he was only 2 when I moved in three years ago. When did he turn into a first grader?

And of course there is Baby J.C. She will be turning one next month. She has four baby teeth, is walking and climbing up anything and everything, and is a mini me all the way. It is exhausting! I took her with me on my wedding extravaganza the past month where we drove 6 hours to Southern California for a wedding and back. Then we flew to Michigan a week later for a nice, much needed and well deserved, week-long vacation and then my college roommates wedding. Then the next weekend drove up to Washington with my parents (because 6 hours with a baby is insane, I wasn’t about to drive 12 hours alone with her) for my cousin’s wedding. I’m just starting to catch up now.

And with that, I leave you with a fabulous video because who doesn’t love babies?

Follow Up

2011-07-26T12:38:00.000-07:00

I wanted to get some more thoughts down. FH gave me more information about Jane asking if Middle Boy could come live with her and it riled me up. I figured I’d sleep on it before regurgitating it.

I found out that Jane’s excuse for wanting Middle Boy is because “He is too emotionally unstable at our house.” Which was sort of true a year or two ago, but that child was emotionally unstable anyway. Do you really blame the poor child? His mother up and left, had a new child of his own, plus he was suddenly thrown into an environment where there were rules and expectations. Since then Middle Boy has really grown and blossomed into a fabulous young man. Don’t get me wrong, he still drives me up the wall now and then with his Middle Boy antics but he has come a really long way from where he was.

I also found out that Jane does not live in a 2 bedroom apartment as I originally thought. Jane and her man and their son (who will be 3 this year) live in a 1 bedroom apartment. I about blew my lid. I know we’ve squeezed all 5 of us into a two bedroom before but we upgraded to a 3 bedroom as soon as we got a handle on our new life together. And our new house that we’ll be renting is a 5 bedroom, with a large back yard. (That’s all in another post.)

Anyway, I don’t know what suddenly caused Jane to call us up and ask if she could have Middle Boy come lie with her. I don’t know if she’s hoping to get some form of child support, especially since we’ll still have two of the boys and she’s never gave us money or offered any financial support for the boys. The few times she has asked she’s told us how they have no money and could hardly pay rent or bills much less get their own food. I don’t know how she thinks she’s going to be able to support one more growing boy when she tells us this.

Middle Boy is definitely the mommy’s boy who looks forward to seeing her each week. The other two are kind of “eh, whatever. I get to go play video games all day and eat junk food” about it.

Sort of on topic, I also found out that Jane hasn’t said a word to FH about the incident that happened a couple of weeks ago (I first mentioned it in the last post). When he called her up to ask her if she thought it was a good idea to take the boys this week she seemed kind of surprised that he was asking such a question. If I didn’t know better I would assume she had no clue why FH was calling with such a question.

If you ask me it’s quite fishy. There’s usually some sort of motive behind anything Jane does, and it usually isn’t in favor of the boys’ best interest. But I’ll keep you updated on the happenings. As far as I can tell, and after talking with FH about it he’s going to tell her “No.”

It Worries Me Sick

2011-07-24T23:23:00.000-07:00

I have two things on my mind tonight. I’ve been meaning to write about one of them but I guess two is better than none. Because none would be me lying in bed trying to sleep but wide awake thinking too much.

Issue One

Two weeks ago before the boys went up to FH’s parent’s house for two weeks they went to Jane’s house. FH got a text at 11:55pm that he should pick the boys up from her mom Jolie’s house the next day because that’s where we were.

We found out that they went to Jolie’s house because allegedly Jane’s man had been hitting their son. Now, before we jump all over this I’m rather torn. Half of me is rather concerned because who wants to expose their child to that type of situation? As a concerned stepparent, certainly not I. The other half of me knows that Jane is a liar and she is the type of person who wants to be abused. In saying that I mean that she used to tell FH, who wouldn’t and hasn’t ever laid a hand upon me or the children, that if he ever hit her she would leave. I’ve never even felt threatened that he would do such a thing and it frustrates me that she wants so badly to be in that situation. Now, not that she is lying as I’m aware that anyone is capable of anything, but I just don’t trust her and her dramatic, lying actions of the past. That in addition to the weird things she’s done like make Younger Boy strip down to check him for cuts and bruises when he has grass cuts on his feet from running in the sprinklers.

Anyway, she told us she might not take them this week for their summer break with her. But after two weeks she decided that it was OK to have them. She didn’t seem too concerned about it, and I honestly can’t tell you if she and FH have talked about it. We go the information second hand from her Aunt who owns the house that Jolie lives in.

I’ve been contemplating to see if she filed a police report or to see if there have been any domestic disturbances filed against them. I want something done about it. I want to see action happen in the event that this is all real. I’ve seen abuse, I’ve experienced abuse and either I’m missing something big or she’s making a mountain out of something that didn’t actually happen. I’m not sure what to do. We can’t NOT let her see them, but who do you contact about an alleged abusive episode that may or may not be on record and may or may not be real?

Issue Two

Today Jane called FH and told him that she’d like to have Middle Boy come live with her. For those that may not remember, Middle Boy is definitely the Mommy’s Boy of the three. He’s also the one who has been asking her if he can live with her over the last couple of years. However, the red flag has been waving loud and clear in our minds that this is not a good idea. To her credit, Jane has been seeing the boys every weekend for the last couple of months. However, when they come back from her house they are in very poor condition. They are like walking zombies and need a full day of sleep and usually a nap the next day just to catch up. I don’t know if it’s from being plugged in all day, from not being supervised or what. They claim that they go to bed at 10pm, but even when we allow them to stay up that late they are never walking zombies like they are when they come home from her place.

Also, Middle Boy has completely blossomed over the last couple of years since I moved in. I’m rather concerned that it’s not in his best physical and mental interest to live with her full time. Plus, I really wonder where he would sleep. From my knowledge the boys sleep on either the pull out couch bed or on the floor when they go to her house. Would he be expected to share a room with her youngest son who is going to be 3 years old this year? In my mind 8 years old and 3 years old is a big age difference to be sharing a room. Not impossible, as I’m sure there are many who do is. Plus we had the three boys sharing a room for the first two years while we saved up enough to move into a bigger house. I also don’t know if he’s actually considered that if he left our home he wouldn’t be with his brothers every day. Those three boys are thick as thieves. Considering all the emotional drama they’ve been put through it really concerns me at the thought of uprooting him from his brotherly support like that and putting him in an unstable living situation.

Plus, jump back to Issue One. IF her guy is hitting their son I sure as heck don’t want Middle Boy living in that situation. Is an alleged abuser enough grounds to say “No, he cannot live with you?” FH has full physical custody of all three boys and they have joint legal custody of them. If that makes sense – in other words they physically live with us, but they’re supposed to see her part of the time.

I’m not going to lie. It all has me stressed out and sick to my stomach. And honestly, it seems there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. I feel like we’re feeding them to the wolves when we send them over there.

On the way

2011-07-06T01:50:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to work on a new update for you. However, I'm currently fighting over the keyboard with Baby J. She is cruising, and is very, very successful as assisted standing. She also wants to help me write this blog entry because short of buckling her down into her rocker she keeps ending up over at my lap top. Her tiny fingers trying to mimic mine and type away. Except she just managed to pull of the "Delete" key button and I somehow magically got it to stick on.

Her and a lack of sleep are some of the main reasons I've not posted in a while. And summer vacation. Nasty Cat wanted to make sure I included that. Cross your fingers that I can post an update tomorrow and can get some good sleep tonight.

Survived Week 1 of Summer Vacation

2011-06-20T01:24:00.001-07:00

Summer Vacation is here. This year we didn’t put the boys in the Summer Program at their school because in July (the middle of the program):

1. They’re going up to FH’s parents house for two weeks.

2. They’re going to Jane’s house for the week after that

3. We’re moving

4. Enrolling into the program you kind of have to guarantee that your kid isn’t going to miss a ton of days so we decided to not take up three spots so that three other children might get the chance to enjoy the fabulous program.

If you counted correctly that is three weeks that the boys are not going to be at home with us. I’m not quite sure what to think of it. Part of me is relieved that I’m not going to go absolutely hair-pulling crazy having them home all day. Part of me is going to miss them because 1) that’s a long time to not have them around and 2) who is going to do all those chores that they do? And part of me is a little concerned for Baby J who will not see her brothers for three weeks.

Normally when they are gone FH will show her their photos. The longest they’ve ever been away for though is three days. Three days is a whole lot different from three weeks. I guess it will just be a part of life though that she too will have to eventually get used to.

And with it being Monday already, here we go with Week 2 of Summer Vacation. I think I may require one of those beer helmets with the straw … except with wine bottles … or maybe martini shakers. I guess it really depends on what kind of day we are having.

Small Town Bound

2011-05-31T01:06:00.001-07:00

I was raised in the hood because that’s where my dad’s family house was. The neighborhood went to shit around us. I went to sleep with the sound of bullets flying, and recognized a drug deal when it was happening right out in front of my house. My parents had about had it when a kid at my sister’s elementary school was caught with a baggie of coke. Then we moved to a small farming town because my parents wanted us to experience the safety and community of a small town.

We moved just in time for my 8th grade year. I vowed I would leave as soon as I turned 18. And I did, to go to college, but I keep going back. It’s a love-hate relationship, but it is home. My parents have since moved to another city but my sister and I keep going back whenever we get a chance. I’ve since then brought my new family out there and have submerged them as much as I can into my small town family.

FH and I have talked casually about moving there someday and with Older Boy about to start middle school we’ve decided we’d like to move there. I have an idea now about why my parents moved us there. Although it’s not the exact same reasons that my parents moved us.

Middle Boy and Older Boy have had a really hard time it seems. They’re really drawn in and seem to be big fish lost in a lake with little fishes. In other words, they do well in class and often get pushed aside so teachers can deal with the children who are not doing as hot. Also, they just closed two elementary schools in our town so their elementary school that already has large class sizes is getting an influx of new students.

We’ve asked Older Boy what he thought about moving to the small town and he was really excited. Older Boy asked for a tour of where all the schools were at. If he had been reluctant I think we might have reconsidered, but since he has a lot of enthusiasm and excitement I think we’re going to go for it.

We’re really hoping that being in a small community will help them to flourish as individuals … Especially with sports, new friends and a sense of security with the town. I’m genuinely hoping that they’ll feel the same way I do about the small town … that its home.

Being a Stepmom is Stressful

2011-05-18T23:15:00.000-07:00

I had really hoped that maybe with time being a stepmom would be easier. As in, after time with the boys I wouldn’t feel quite as frustrated at times. But there are still some days it takes all the control I have not to pull my hair out, pack up the cat and baby and walk out the door.

It’s not even that I don’t like the boys. I love them very much. But I think there is a great amount of pressure I feel when it comes to raising them. I hear so much from my mother-in-law or other relatives on either FH or Jane’s sides about how worried everyone was for the boys’ well being.

I can’t imagine that everyone is exaggerating but I just can’t grasp how bad it was. Could it really have been that drastically bad? I guess it could have. But I just can’t grasp it.

I know that the boys have all blossomed into amazing individuals under my care. I know that they can only continue to grow and blossom more. But I feel like I can’t mess it up … Like if they turn out anything like their mother or worse then somewhere along the way I messed up in raising them.

I hear from both FH and Jane’s side this worry and concern from the past and receive a lot of praise and thanks for what I’ve done and what I’m continuing to do. (It’s really quite weird to have people thank me so often for being a mom to the boys. It’s nature to me, and it feels like I’ve gone up and beyond my expected duties the way they all thank me.) And it feels almost like there is a weight on my shoulder that I have to make these children successful. It is very overwhelming at times.

I know I can only take each of them so far. I can only instill my love, my values, my example and that they’ll have to take all those and create themselves from there. In the back of my head though sometimes I feel a whip and hear a voice that says if I don't give it 180% instead of just try my best that maybe I'm giving it my all. (I think that it all comes down to the fact that I am my own worst enemy as in I'm the hardest on myself.)

I honestly sometimes feel stressed trying to just be a mom to them. Now that I have a biological child of my own I’ve been able to sort things out. I feel a stress to make sure that I’m raising my own child the way I want to and to be the best mom I know how. But it’s just a different stress from raising someone else’s kids, even though they’re my kids too now.

Does that make sense? I’ve decided that I’m putting some money away (about $14) and I’m going to the Jelly Belly Factory out here to treat myself to six delicious squares of gourmet fudge. So good! And that is how I’m going to be good to me and try my best to relax and not stress out as much.

My Exhausted Excitement

2011-05-03T21:45:00.000-07:00

I don’t know how I manage some days. My days seem non-stop between being the Mom Taxi, the Mother of an infant, nursing her, making her homemade baby food, making dinners, making sure the kids do their stuff, nagging FH to make sure Jane sees the boys, and working a full time job on top of it. Oh yes, and being a cat lady. We must not forget Nasty Cat.

I have a real respect for single mothers. If I’m this exhausted and I have a spouse to help out I can’t imagine what it’s like to go at it alone. Although I think three kids and infant must be exhausting to anyone with a pulse.

In short – Baby J is teething. Those cute little nubs of tooth have made their way through the gums and are continuing to make my days something else.

And

Baby J is now mobile. By mobile I mean she is flying across the carpet. She went from face-planting it wobbly first movements to “smooth as butter” in a matter of four days. I told Nasty Cat he has better start running now because she’s going to catch up with him.

And now, I’m proud to present to you My Exhuasted Excitement:

A Pat On My Back

2011-04-19T13:25:00.000-07:00

Younger Boy has been having some issues in his after school program as of late. He’s been experimenting with poor choice words he’s heard, getting angry when things don’t go his way and choosing to play by himself.

In other words, he’s been acting completely normal as not only a kindergartener but as the younger boy who has been getting the shaft from his biological mother and no longer the baby in either of his two families.

We had a discussion yesterday. Basically I explained to her the things we’ve been working on at home and some of the things I personally do when it comes to handling Younger Boy’s behaviors.

We’ve been working with him on trying to better understand some of these things. We had a family meeting about not using “Sad Choice” words and instead asking an adult if he’s unsure about a word. Younger Boy is very intelligent for his young age and he really grasps at vocabulary. With him I’ve found that it’s a lot easier to just calmly explain that “this” word is not OK to use and that it makes me sad to hear him say it. We even had the boys come up with the consequences for continuous use of Sad Choice words.

I’m still working on helping him to de-stress. Usually a change of his environment or giving him something physical to do helps a lot. Example, if Middle Boy (who has his own set of issues) is aggravating him I’ll often have Younger Boy come downstairs and play with playdoh or draw. I think of it as if I need a break sometimes then they certainly need a break sometimes from each other.

I also told her I was actually surprised that he was having issues playing with others. As it is Younger Boy who is always making friends and playing with others when we go out while the two older boys sit with each other isolated from everyone else. His teacher said “Perhaps he’s just tired of the kids here” which I honestly agreed could be a possibility. His friends in the after school program aren’t the kids he plays with during his kindergarten class.

Side Note: I’m looking up ways to help children learn how to play. My mom made a point to me that the three of them have either only had each other or themselves to play with and perhaps they just don’t know how to play with others. So if any of you have experience in teaching play I’d love to hear.

Back to the conversation – his teacher told me that she can relate. She too was only 2 years old when she had a stepmother come into her life. In fact, her exact words were:

“I can totally relate. I was only two when my stepmother came into my life and there were times that I just wanted to scream and kill her. But now that I’m older I’m really appreciative of how she raised me. And I just want to take a moment to say “Thank You” to you for doing what you’re doing.”

Now, the main point of this post is that it’s really weird to me when people thank me for doing what I’m doing … because what I’m doing is just being me. I’m being the best mom I know how, learning from my mistakes and hoping that even though I’m the authoritative parent that I’m making a positive difference in the kids’ lives and can help bring some sunshine back for them.

I’ve had quite a few people thank me for what I’m doing and I never really know how to respond. Usually I just say ‘Thank you, that means a lot.” Which don’t get me wrong, because it totally does mean a lot to hear. Who doesn’t like to have some validation of good to their actions? But having someone who was Younger Boy when she was a child say that to me … it really made me feel better about my role as a stepmom. And I wanted to share it with any of you that may be new or a veteran to instant parenthood. Perhaps it will help bring you a smile too. Keep on swimming. You’re doing good.

It Made my Day

2011-04-08T21:18:00.001-07:00

The other day Younger Boy was sitting down and doing his homework. It’s an activity where the sentence starts with a vocabulary word of the week and the child fill it in and draws a photo to go along with it.

I was sitting on the couch nursing Baby JC when Younger Boy came out with his paper:

YB: How do you spell your name?

Me: C-R-Y-S-T-A-L

YB: That’s it! Because I heard the “l” and that means it’s the end of your name.

Me: Oh, OK.

He went up to take a nap afterward and I went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. I noticed his homework for the day was still lying out on the table. So of course I had to go take a peek.

This is what I saw:

If you have an inner cat lady

2011-03-31T18:06:00.000-07:00

If you are like me and are a cat lady ... or if you're hiding an inner cat lady inside ... or if you love all the stories about Nasty Cat...then please come follow my new cat blog at

http://apologiestomycat.blogspot.com/

The editor of the newspaper that is published in the small town I grew up in approached me and asked if I would like to continue my cat blog (that was discontinued at work) on her blog community. Since I love talking about my cat I couldn't resist the opportunity.

And if not, it's OK. I promise I won't cry or go cat lady crazy on you. :)

A Ray of Sunshine Indeed

2011-03-28T13:54:00.001-07:00

I wanted to share a little something about my life now as a stepmom who now has a child of her own.

Before I used to get really upset because I felt out of the loop when it came to my instant family. FH and the boys shared that parent-child bond that I could tell was missing in my own relationship with them. I also, and still do, feel that sometimes I just don’t belong or that something is off.

I’m aware I’m their mother, yet I’ll never be their mother. Or at least at this moment in their young lives they’re just not going to “get it” how life has dramatically changed for the better with me in their lives. I won’t lie. I’m often the parent of authority. I don’t forget that they’re children but I expect them to learn responsibility, respect and independence along the way.

Often, and usually with Middle Boy, I get the feeling that I’m loathed or that I’m a big pain in the ass. And I might just be a pain in the ass as I expect them to learn to do things like make their bed, be kind to each other and to make the right choice even when they really want to do the sad choice (like hit your brother).

Also, since I don’t have that parent-child bond with them it’s sometimes hard to connect. I guess what I’m saying is that unconditional love just isn’t there from them. They might have a love for me, but it’s not the same.

Now that I have Baby JC my life feels truly blessed. Not just because I know have this amazing opportunity and gift of giving birth and having a child that I created, but I know what it feels like to have that unconditional love back. In other words, I don’t feel completely alone. If anything, having her has sort of helped me and the boys to either relate to each other or feel a bit more validated as a family.

And even on those days that I feel completely left out due to their actions, I still have her to help make me feel better. I’m not saying that every stepmom should go out and have kids. Not everyone is ready to have kids. Some people just never are.

But for me, having her around has helped me to feel less stressed and anxious over having stepkids. She also helps me to emphasize with them more. I look at her and I am able to calm down if I am angry, think about the fact that they are my kids and treat them the same way that I would think I would treat her.

I hope that makes sense. It’s hard to describe the way her being in my life has helped me to be a better stepmom. She is definitely a ray of sunshine in my life though. I think I’m a better person because of her.

This is Baby JC at 4 months old. She will be 6 months next week.

Teething, Birthday Cake and Lonely, Cat Syndrome

2011-03-26T02:30:00.000-07:00

Normally when I’m writing an entry at 2 in the AM it’s because Jane has done something that has gotten me so furious that I just can’t sleep. Luckily that’s not the reason I’m up so late.

Baby JC is teething. The drooling, fussy, crying little dear finally fell asleep. And I don’t want to move her upstairs because I know she’ll be waking up in an hour or so to eat. Needless to say since she’s been up at all new hours of the night again with sore gums my internal clock is off. I know I ought to be sleeping, but I’m not.

I’m also waiting to finish off Older Boy’s birthday cake for his party tomorrow. This year is the year of the ice cream cakes. And for Older Boy I decided I was going to try and make my own. I was going to make both his birthday cake for his party and his special frozen peanut butter pie that I make for him every year … but then I realized that even though I sometimes think I ought to be Super Woman I am indeed only human. So the peanut butter pie will be made Sunday morning when my parent’s are here to help keep an eye on the kids, and I’m waiting on the ice cream to thaw and the cakes to cool.

I’m also trying to get some quality time in with Nasty Cat. I feel that I’ve been a horrible cat mom lately. He tends to try and get some quality time in by sitting on my lap while I’m working. That time, however, is usually short lived when Baby JC is awake. He gives me such sad, lonely looks sometimes, while other times he decides to play by chasing me up the stairs and nipping at my heels as I try to drag my butt off to bed. So while I wait for the cakes to cool he’s sitting with me here to get some of his quality time in.

Luckily Jane has come through again and has the three boys overnight at her place. Word on the street is that her man is in the interview process at a refinery closer to our neck of the woods. It would be a lot easier having her move closer to us, and hopefully the boys will be able to see her more often. That might be putting in a tall order there, but you know me. I like to look for the positive.

By the way, Older Boy will be 11 on Sunday. I’m still trying to come to terms with the fact that I have an almost 11-year-old boy. OK, I lied. I’m still trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m married and have a baby on top of having three instant kids. I’ve been here almost 2 and a half years and it still seems so new sometimes.

I’m rambling. Can you tell I’m in need of a recharge? Back to me being lucky … I get to sleep in tomorrow…At least as best as I can with a teething infant. Yay for Saturday morning!

To Mom

2011-03-22T10:07:00.000-07:00

Younger Boy came home from school yesterday and pulled out the papers from his backpack. One of them was this gem.

I didn’t ask him about it. Usually when he brings home art he tells me that it’s for Grandma Jolie or his Aunt Raquel. He’s yet to bring something home he’s made for Jane. So when I saw the “To: Mom” I just really didn’t want to feel the shaft.

Later that evening I was in the kitchen getting dinner ready. I hear FH ask Younger Boy:

FH: Who is that for?

YB: Crys

I can’t even begin to describe the bolt of joy and happiness that went through my body. I felt loved and very special. And I kind of chuckled because Younger Boy used a “DUH” inflection in his voice. It always cracks me up when he answers with that inflection that “We obviously should have known” the answer already.

Our Family By Younger Boy

2011-03-21T10:11:00.001-07:00

I had to share this fabulous family photo that Younger Boy drew. When I first saw it I was little nervous of who was in the photo. In other words, I was worried that the other “30” in the photo was of Jane and not of me.

So I asked Younger Boy to tell me about his photo.

Me: So tell me about this photo you drew.

YB: Ummm

Me: Are you the king of the mountain?

YB: Ha ha! Yeah!

Me: Who else is there?

YB: (top to bottom of hill) That is Middle Boy, Older Boy, You, Daddy and Baby JC.

There are two things that cracked me up about this photo.

1. He identified us by age. Middle Boy and Younger Boy are absolutely fascinated by age. You’ll often hear them say things like “When I’m 10 I can do this….” or “When Older Boy is 16 I’ll be….” I usually follow it up with something like “Can you be 5 for now though?”

They also like to occasionally remind us how old we adults are…Which is still crazy in my mind. I’m still trying to wrap my belief around the fact that I’m married and have children…I just don’t have the time to consider that I’m also now 30!

2. In his photo I’m the tallest between FH and I. Considering I’m half Filipino I’m a whopping 5’1”!! I can thank the German and Native America genes I guess for helping to push me past the 5’ marker. FH is always small in the couple of drawings that Younger Boy has created. He wants to know why but I try to remind him that at least he was thought of. Back in the preschool days Older Boy had made a family drawing and forgotten all about FH. Needless to say my dear husband was a bit traumatized by is.

I love this photo though. The only family member he forgot to include, and I say that because he usually does include him, is Nasty Cat. But I don’t think that Nasty Cat will get too upset over it.

A Virtual Pat on the Back

2011-03-15T10:26:00.000-07:00

I wanted to take a moment to give Jane a pat on the back. Not because I think she’s turned her life around or because I think a great miracle has been bestowed on us … but because I know I really appreciate credit for things I have done and I think it’s due for her.

Jane has been regularly been taking the boys overnight every Friday (with the exception of perhaps 2-3 cancellations) for the last two months (or something like that). But that’s not where I give her a virtual pat on the back.

Older Boy had a project that was accepted/chosen to be a part of the District wide Science Fair this past weekend. He and two of his friends in his 5th grade class decided to test which type of paper made the best paper airplane.

Off Topic – I was the parent home when the three of them were doing their project and keeping them on task and guiding them when they had no clue was a project in it’s own. Luckily Middle Boy and Younger Boy were away at Jane and Jolie’s for the weekend because topping that task off with an infant was pure chaos.

Back on – the Science Fair was on Saturday and neither FH or I could attend. We suggested to Older Boy that he call Jane up and invite her to it. We weren’t sure what would happen but figured it wouldn’t hurt to at least invite her. I couldn’t really tell if Older Boy was enthused or not about the idea. The first time I brought the idea up to him he kind of had a “Sure, I guess” response. Then when FH brought it up a second time he was an indifferent response. Half of a “Yeah, that’s a good idea” and half a “If you’re forcing me too I guess I will.”

Either way, Older Boy called and left a message on Jane’s voicemail which later had to be translated by FH to Jane. She later surprised us when she asked for the address to the science fair location. We were even more surprised that she actually showed up and picked up Older Boy.

So that’s one virtual pat on the back for Jane.

The second is that she and her man got a second vehicle. Not only did they get a second vehicle but it’s a van. So now there are enough seats for all 6 of them to travel and no one has to get left at home.

She also bought a booster for Middle Boy who is not yet heavy enough to be out of a booster.

I was rather relieved needless to say. I wouldn’t say I’m now carefree for when they go to her house. But knowing that they have a vehicle that can hold all 6 of them in an emergency makes me feel a lot better.

And I don’t expect this streak of effort on her part to last, but I’ll be pleasantly tickled pink if it goes on for another month or two. That would by far break her last record of putting effort into being a part of the boys lives.

Middle Boy Goes Teal

2011-03-07T13:26:00.000-08:00

Middle Boy currently has a Mohawk growing. I won't lie. I wasn't all that thrilled with it but then I made myself take a step out of my box of “what I like” and gave much consideration to “how this makes him feel.” And I think having a Mohawk makes Middle Boy feel a bit more like he stands out from being the Middle Boy. It’s different from the styles his brothers are currently sporting and one of his friends at school has a Mohawk also so I think it helps Middle Boy feel like he fits in a little more.

Sidenote: My mom (who has worked in child development for forever now) and I had a conversation the other day about how Middle Boy’s odd personality is probably a big factor in the fact that he just has a hard time making/keeping friends. So I’ve been trying to brainstorm ways to help Middle Boy learn some skills or habits to help him with his social awkwardness.

Back to the story – I decided to embrace Middle Boy’s Mohawk which means that I’ve gone all out in supporting the growth and development of the Mohawk.

More recently … as part of a reward for being on task with his responsibilities and treating his brothers with kindness and consideration he was allowed to choose a color to dye his Mohawk. He at first wanted a neon green, however his blond hair is a bit dirty blond right now and I didn’t want to bleach it in order to get the color to show. I also didn't want him to be disappointed with a color that wouldn't show up as vibrant as he was expecting.

I showed him some darker shades of Teal and Turquoise that closely resemble his favorite shades of aquamarine. He chose the Teal. It’s a wash out after a couple of washes so I’ve had to keep coloring it about once a week. The fabulous thing is that with each color job the color is richer looking.

The first night that we dyed his hair he had the biggest, real smile I have ever seen on him throughout the past 2 and a half years that I’ve known him. It really made my heart warm inside to see him so happy because of the three of them he seems to be the one that is most down in the dumps.

I also got him some hair cement to get the effective spike to his hair style.

This, of course, needs a photo to help show the fabulous smile and showcase the Mohawk. I present, with my best superhero mask paint skills, Middle Boy’s Mohawk.

Different Boys In The Photo

2011-02-28T12:59:00.000-08:00

We had dinner at Allison’s last night (Jane’s sister who has adopted me as her own family). I noticed some of the photos of the boys that Jane had gotten done with their little brother Trevor. It made me kind of sad and curious.

We’ve had quite a few family photos done and in all of them (for the most part) the boys are smiling and look happy and sparkly. (By sparkly I mean full of life and not covered in glitter.)

In these photos only Older Boy and Trevor were the ones smiling. Middle Boy and Younger Boy had these miserable, sad looks on their faces. I couldn’t tell if it was boredom, disinterest, true feelings coming through or a mixture of all of the above.

I always have a little chat with the boys before we take our photos where I kindly ask them to smile happily. And then throw in "Please smile pretty for your grandmas' because we're giving them these as a gift." (Which is entirely true in addition to the fact that I'd like a nice family photo of everyone smiling.) Younger Boy was the only one who acted up at our last family photo shoot but the photographer got him to smile for the photos.

I guess I was mainly surprised by a few things:

1) by their expressions. I've been in my new instant mom lifestyle for almost 3 years now. I’ve seen the three photo outcomes of the photoshoots that Jane has had done. In the first year after Trevor was just born (and after the divorce) it was Middle Boy who had a forced smile on his face. Older Boy and Younger Boy both had decent smiles on. But the last two years are the ones where Middle Boy and Younger Boy look miserable and unhappy.

2) the fact that these are the outcomes she’s getting for photos. They just look so completely different from the photo outcomes that we have gotten. I personally would not pay for a photo like that, not would I be happy if that was the best of the photos.

I consider that there are many different opportunities at play here:

Perhaps I just happen to schedule good photographers who care about the result of their photos and know how to make children smile.

Perhaps my kindly asking them to smile happily before hand makes a difference.

Perhaps the difference in our family photos just shows a reflection of the differences in our two homes.

Perhaps to Jane it doesn’t really matter and it’s more of a formality then a family keepsake.

There’s plenty more but I just was completely confuddled at the complete turn around in the comparison of the two photos. The most recent photos we had were just a day apart too. Jane had the boys take photos the day before we were taking our family photos. It’s just striking to me how different the boys look … even the smiling Older Boy lacks some of the glowing luster that he has in our family photo.

Or maybe it’s just the lighting of the studio and the fact that I put thought into the colors and clothes that the boys are wearing and Jane doesn't.

Fighting For Younger Boy

2011-02-17T09:15:00.000-08:00

I was hoping now that Younger Boy is 5, and older, and in kindergarten that perhaps Jane would give him more credit and want to include him more. However, I got myself in a little tizzy, which I was able to calm down from but it still pisses me off.

Jane informed us that they’ll be going down to a wedding at Disneyland and wanted to invite one of the boys. I suggested that FH have Younger Boy go because 1)He’s the best at handling long car trips and 2)He’s young enough to really enjoy Disneyland still. Jane’s son is going to be 3 this year so I assume they’ll be going on the age appropriate rides in Fantasyland. Older Boy is (and has expressed from past trips) that is just far too old to go on those rides, and Middle Boy is on the brink of wanting to go on the older kid rides and that the Fantasyland rides are for babies.

Back to the story … Jane shot down the idea of Younger Boy going because “She already has to deal with her son she doesn't want to have to deal with Younger Boy too.”

I've been trying to fight for Younger Boy since the first time that she intentionally voiced a request that left him out. I know that at this point I’m more of his mother than she is, but in his eyes she is his “Mommy” and he gets excited about going to her house still.

However, I’m going to assume that perhaps this is one fight not worth going after. We’re most likely going to send Middle Boy down with her and then treat Older Boy and Younger Boy to a special weekend out at one of the theme parks out here so that no one is left out on the fun.

It still, however, makes me so frustrated that she’s seems to have this stigma against including Younger Boy in her life. Perhaps it’s because she didn't raise him and doesn’t feel that connection to him that she does to the older boys? Who knows how her mind works, because we all know it’s not hardwired that great in the first place. I just tend to find myself thinking that out of all three of them he gets the raw deal the most.

I tend to bring him along with me on a lot of outings. And before he started preschool he was the one who got to go on a few trips with me because it was easier to bring him along then to find someone who could watch him while the others were at school. I can really only do so much to help him out emotionally, but I hope that by the time he’s a teenager it will have made a positive impact on him.

How Do You Deal With a Concern

2011-02-15T09:28:00.000-08:00

There is one concern that I have when the boys go to stay at Jane’s overnight. There isn’t anything I can really do about it, and I try not to think about it so that I’m not sick with worry, but I feel it is a legitimate concern.

OK, technically there is more than one concern for when they stay at her place overnight but this one is a big one.

It’s the car that they have. More specifically, the lack of safe seating in the car they have. Legally and safely the car she has fits 5. More specifically, it safely fits two car seats in the back and a boy in the middle and two people up front.

When they’re over there, and the whole family goes out there are two boosters, one infant seat, one child that can sit without a car seat and two adults. Are you seeing my concern here?

When I moved in with FH and the boys I inherited his mini-van. As much as I dislike and love to hate on the mini-van I am thankful for it. It fits all of us safely in a seat of our own.

Middle Boy is technically not heavy enough to not use a booster according to California Car Seat Law, but he’s really close to being at that weight. So if it has ever been a situation where someone had to be out of a booster it’s usually him. However, even if that were the case, I just don’t understand how you can fit six people in a car that is supposed to sit 5 … especially when one of them is an infant.

I know in hard times you can’t just go out and get a new car to accommodate a bigger family, but it truly bothers me that the boys’ safety is somewhere being put at risk.

I guess my question is, does anyone have experience in how to deal with a concern like this. Is “Just not thinking about it” the one way to go about it? Or what sort of things do you do to help yourself not think about such a concern when the kids are at risk?

I Just Don’t Give a Darn

2011-02-10T11:16:00.000-08:00

Twenty Eleven is already different. I don’t know what caused it or what specific action caused me to change my perspective of Jane. But so far into 2011 I just don’t give a darn about her anymore.

I realized it last month. First she called off sick. Then some other reason came up. It was about 2 to 3 weeks that she didn't see the boys. FH was rather flustered that she wasn’t calling back and that’s when I realized I didn't care about her anymore. I told him to just let her call him back. When she wanted to see her children she’d call back. There was no use in us getting all upset because she’s a crappy mom.

I believe after a week passed by he did call her back and amazingly she called him back. However, she ~~canceled~~ called in sick again right before FH and the boys were about to drive out to her last week. Luckily they hadn't left yet. Instead of getting furious like I normally did I found myself shrugging it off thinking "oh well, her loss."

We still try to set aside the one day of the week that she hopefully will be seeing them, but my anger toward her incompetence as a responsible, caring mother has lessened to where it’s only going to spark if she has physically harmed them. I can’t imagine what sort of emotional harm she’s done, but my job is to make sure that we’re loving and supportive of them in our home. And to make sure that no matter what she does we’re consistent and provide a good stable, loving home for them.

It also could be that FH is suspicious that she is pregnant again. The man has seen her pregnant four times now … I wouldn't put it past her either now that I gave birth to the daughter she’s always wanted. In which if it turns out she is I’m absolutely disgusted with her, but if I continue to distance myself from her then my personal well being won’t be disrupted with her sad choice making.

My family and home come first before I stick my neck out to worry about her feelings anymore. In the past 2 ½ years her actions have shown me that she’s in it for herself, and not for the boys. Older Boy and Young Boy’s actions toward her are already indicators that she’s continuing to dig her own hole.

From “The Boys” to “A Boy”

2011-01-25T12:51:00.001-08:00

My parent’s have been wonderful in terms of accepting my instant family as their own. A photo of the boys hangs in their living room, the boys get excited when they find out we’re seeing them and give them both hugs, and my parents have shown a great interest in the boys well being.

Starting last summer they started making arrangements to spend some one-on-one time with the boys. Each month they take one of the boys for a night or two so the boy of the month can get some individual time away.

This month was Older Boy’s turn. My dad brought him to a Shark’s hockey game and got him a hockey puck. I got a great photo text from my mom of him sleeping with his puck. It was really cute. I also found out that Older Boy was rather sad to have to leave.

At first I thought “oh, he doesn’t enjoy home” then I wizened up and realized it’s because he had just had the rare luxury of being an only kid for a couple of days. We try to make sure to spend individual time with each of them when we can, but with four kids (one being an infant) now that is a bit hard sometimes.

They also have always been the three of them for so long now I wonder if everyone kind of views them as “the boys.” And if it’s not the three of them it’s two of them. Because of their situation being in the spotlight really is a luxury to them. I didn’t think much of it until my told me about a conversation with my cousin’s fiancé.

He too was a child of divorce. And when he found out that my parent’s were the ones who asked if they could spend some get to know you time with each of the boys alone said “I wish someone had thought to do that with me.”

I too had a younger sibling, but I did get alone time here or there. OR if both of us went over to a family friend’s place there were siblings our age so we weren’t stuck with just each other to play with.

I’ve gotten the impression that perhaps the boys are tired of being “the boys” and would each like to be “a boy.” I may not be able to control how others treat them, and I may not always be able to do something lavish like take them out on a Crys and boy dinner date, but I’d like to see FH and I make more of an effort to single each boy out.

We’ve started with Older Boy by making sure he has a day to help make dinner each week. FH has come up with some activities that he can do with each boy also. I think it’s important for him to try and spend some more one-on-one time with each of them. We’ve brainstormed some other ideas too but I’d love to hear of any suggestions on ideas or personal experiences from you ladies.

January Updates and The Pee Dilemma

2011-01-21T10:32:00.000-08:00

Some days I don’t know how I manage to do all that I do. I thought three instant kids and a cat was a bit of effort...an infant, three instant kids and a cat is much more effort. Obviously it leaves me little time for blogging and I feel rather lonely without my blog world friends. As it is, if it weren’t for Facebook and texting I probably wouldn’t be able to talk with my other friends as it is. Anyway, I’m sneaking some time away from work while the work load is light and while Miss JC is napping to come say hello.

I couldn’t let the entire month of January go by without at least one big update.

Birthday Bonanza

January is definitely a birthday bonanza. Middle Boy is now 8 and both FH and I are 30. I’m not feeling fun and flirty, but I don’t feel dirty. Thirty had definitely felt humbling. Now that I have a child of my own that feeling of real responsibility is overwhelming. I make sure to try and go have fun once a week. Even if it is with JC in tow. I find a great pleasure in sharing her with my friends and family.

Boys & The Pee Dilemma

Middle Boy and Younger Boy have continued to drive me up the wall and cause me to ponder just where that duct tape has gone. Middle Boy is learning the hard way about making good choices. He’s had many an occurrence where he has been asked to do something or not to do something and decides to do his own thing. That just doesn’t fly around here. His birthday celebration with his friends has been pushed to the end of the month because of his behavior. It’s been downgraded also to a pizza party with two of his friends.

Younger Boy seems to be completely over having a baby sister and not being the baby anymore. Although he too has shaped up his decision making also by a tad bit. His incident includes the bathroom. As the story goes…

I walked into the bathroom one night and stepped in a puddle. To my dismay it was definitely pee. (I did the paper towel test – and the towel turned yellow.) I at first thought maybe it was one of the boys but then noticed that the litterbox was a bit nasty so then changed my mind to thinking perhaps it was Nasty Cat being angry and lashing out by peeing on the floor. I vowed to clean it out the next day. I asked him why must he pee on my floor and he looked at me like I was an idiot.

I was a complete jerk Cat Mom though and forgot to clean it. So the next day I found two puddles of pee on the bathroom floor. I threw my hands in the air and under the watchful eye of Nasty Cat I cleaned out the litter box completely, sweep and mopped the floor, and then poured fresh clean litter in. Nasty Cat was quite pleased and hopped in to use it.

However, the next day I found another puddle on the floor. I was confused at this point. So I cleaned it up. Nasty Cat watched me and I asked him what his problem was. That afternoon I watched Younger Boy walk into the bathroom. After I dropped him off at his after school program I thought to go look in the bathroom and as I suspected there was a puddle of pee on the ground. I apologized to Nasty Cat who gave me the "You idiot" look. I think he was still pleased that his litter box got the grand cleaning though.

After he came home that evening I asked him if he was the one that had peed on the floor. At first he told me that he had forgotten how to pee. Then after some clever questions on my part he informed me that he peed on the floor because he “had to pee super bad.” I informed him that he needed to go to the bathroom when he felt that he had to “kind of pee” instead of having to “pee super bad.” I also informed him that if he peed on the floor he needed to clean it up himself.

This has been a struggle lately as I’ve noticed that he’s been doing his pee dance again and grabbing his crotch when he has to go instead of going. The up is that when he peed on the floor last night he did come and ask for paper towels so he could clean it up.

Baby Updates

Baby JC is now 3 months (technically on week 3 of being 3 months). She is at the phase where she is testing out her voice and she’s been babbling to herself and to me. It’s really cute. She also has learned to flip over from her stomach onto her back and is playing with some toys now. She also has discovered her feet and is a master at getting her socks off so she can play with her toes. I love it!

Here is a current pick of JC demonstrating her sock pulling skills.

Younger Boy’s Behavior

2010-12-14T10:00:00.000-08:00

Younger Boy has always seemed to have a hard time leaving behind the “need” to be the baby. I wasn’t sure if part of it was because Jane and Jolie continued to baby him even after he was old enough to be independent, if it was because Jane had a baby and he was envious of the fact that him mommy had a baby that got to live with her and he didn’t, or if it was a combination of the two. I would assume it’s a combination. He’s been the one who had the hardest time bouncing back after a visit with Jane. In meaning, after he came back he took the longest to snap out of the undesirable behaviors he had since left behind.

When he started kindergarten he really started showing signs of maturing and leaving behind the “need” to be the baby. He even bounced back quickly after staying with Jane overnight. However, as of the last month or so I’ve notice he’s been in rare form. And by rare form I mean he’s been challenging, frustrating and almost completely irritating to one that gets a limited amount of sleep as it is.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that he is 5-years-old and just a little kid. I’m also aware that I’m exhausted and perhaps my patience isn’t as strong as it once was. These behaviors are somewhat new, while some are old behaviors with a new twist. I think the issue might be somewhere along the lines that Younger Boy is no longer the baby in our home and a possible struggle with now being a middle younger boy.

When Baby J.C. first came home he was rather excited and was still on somewhat good behavior for the most part. And as time passed I noticed that his behavior was sliding. Younger Boy and Middle Boy have always been at it. I touched lightly on it in the last post. I think it’s a clash of personalities. Middle Boy is very much self-centered and Younger Boy will not put up with the way Middle Boy treats him. However, Younger Boy has been getting more aggressive with not putting up with Middle Boy. I’m not sure what else to do outside of the continuance of the “Treat others as you want to be treated,” “Be kind to others,” and “Hitting, biting and hurting our brother is not OK.”

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when we went to do our family photos and Younger Boy was the one who was acting out. The photographer spent more time trying to get Younger Boy to smile and cooperate than Baby J.C. It occurred to me that perhaps Younger Boy is at a point that he’s acting out to get attention. And last night he purposely stuffed far too much food in his mouth and then gagged and threw it up. This behavior isn’t new but usually I’m able to prevent it from happening.

Later that night we had a talk, mainly me being completely frustrated and explaining to him that I wasn’t OK with his behavior lately. I’m always curious to see how Younger Boy’s growing up process and view of how things are is because he was so young when Jane left. I know with him being young we can definitely still work with him on behaviors. Just this morning I made sure to reward his good behaviors by thanking him and pointing it out.

I guess that’s all I can really do at the moment. He’s still learning, and testing what he can and can’t get away with as he gets older, in addition to learning more about himself. The positive outlook is that this morning he was back to being on good behavior and not causing any major problems. That was a refreshing start to the day. I hope this post made sense. I’m really tired and am not entirely confident that my thought process is working correctly.

Exhausted

2010-12-07T18:57:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone, I wanted to drop in since I think it has been forever since I’ve written anything. I’m trying to remember to at least come on and read what all of you are writing but even that is trying lately. I’ve been exhausted and a lot has been going on. I’ll try to update really quick and painless. I’ve learned that even though I may feel like I’m Super Woman who can do everything – caring for a new baby, a family of 6, a cat and working is my limit. In fact, it’s probably over the limit, but since it has to be done I’m managing. It helps that we’ve been teaching the boys to be more independent because they’re able to do more for themselves and help us out more.

FH got a New Job

And this means he now works Saturdays, which means that I need to stay at home and hold down the fort. We had our first Saturday this past weekend. Baby J.C. had decided that going to bed before 3:30am three nights in a row was perfectly acceptable and by Saturday I could not get out of bed. Luckily, Older Boy is able to help do things like get breakfast going for his brothers. Unluckily, Middle Boy and Younger Boy have really been going at it lately. And their poor choices in behavior + a cranky me = no fun times for anyone.

Middle Boy & Younger Boy

I’m not sure if it’s now the battle of the middle brothers or what now that we have a baby around that sucks up a lot of energy. But they have really been going at it. Middle Boy will try to boss Younger Boy around. And Younger Boy just will not have any of it. This results in someone getting mad, someone getting hurt, someone crying, and then I go up there to ask what’s going on and then suddenly both of them are crying because they know they both made a sad choice somewhere in there. This leaves me exhausted without even putting effort into it.

New Baby = Extra Energy

I’m not going to lie. I really enjoy it when Jane or Jolie takes the boys overnight. It’s not that I don’t want them here, but it’s a nice break. Even with them being more independent there’s still extra effort in having them here. And a break, even if it’s just overnight is really nice. I get frustrated sometimes because I’m learning how to care for a baby, and yet I’m still expected to be the full time mom for the kids. I think sometimes I’m upset that I’m not getting to experience this first time baby experience kidless or without the pressure of having three other children to care for. It’s hard to drag my butt out of bed to get the boys to school some mornings, especially the ones where I go to bed after 2am and have to wake up at 6am. It is absolutely draining.

Baby J.C. has changed a lot for me. Little things like me continuing to have to cut out caffeine and cow’s milk, and big things. I never imagined one could love someone so much. I’m still left breathless when I watch her sleep. But she definitely takes up a lot of energy … Especially if I’m up late into the early hours of morning because she has bad gas or got too over stimulated that day.

All in all, things over here are good.

Not Covering Up For Her Anymore

2010-11-22T12:27:00.000-08:00

There was a post I made about not covering up for Jane anymore when it came to the kids. I can’t remember when but I remember writing about how I was no longer going to cover up for Jane if she cancelled. However, I’ve only applied it to times that the kids knew they were going to be seeing her and she cancelled.

Well, FH and I have pretty much decided that perhaps it’s time that the boys were indeed aware of their mother’s choices. We’ve been trying to protect them from the heartache by not telling them when they’re supposed to be seeing her because she cancelled so often. It just seemed easier to make it a pleasant surprise.

To her credit, she actually did see them every week for a good portion of 2010. However, as of last month the old Jane who pulls out any excuse in the book to cancel has returned. She has either cancelled or tried to cancel a majority of the times she was supposed to see them. FH told me that he’s ready to let the boys see who she really is. And now that they all are a bit older I think that it is time to start putting it back on the calendar for them to see when they’ll see her. And if she cancels, then she cancels and they’ll know about it.

**EDIT: I just wanted to add in that we have no intentions of making a big dramatic production of it with the boys. I was reading through some comments I just wanted to clear that up. It's frustrating enough to us to have plans changed, especially since it's our date night when she sees them. And the whole reason we stopped telling them when they were going to see her was because she would go for weeks at a time cancelling on them. But, frankly I'm tired of trying to diffuse it for her. I owe her no favors. And I do appreciate the suggestion of not using the word "cancel" and in saying "you should call her to talk about it" if they want to know more.**

This comes after an angering experience from the last time they slept at her house. Older Boy told us that they slept on the floor this last time because Jane’s guy slept on the queen size pull out couch that they usually sleep on. FH was especially angry, and I don’t blame him. We send the boys over expecting them to be in a good environment (or at least as best as possible knowing their habits). It makes me wonder if we ought to send sleeping bags for them so that they’ll at least have something warm to sleep in. I don’t want to encourage them sleeping on the floor when there’s a pull out bed, but I don’t want them to end up on the floor with just a blanket either.

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how it goes down this week when they go over to her house for Thanksgiving. This year is her year to have them and she’s taking them (all 3 boys!) Tuesday thru Thursday evening.

Having Baby J.C. have given me a whole new perspective on parenthood and on the choices I make as a parent. And I know we can’t protect our children from all the heartache in the world. I just never thought I’d have to protect my children from heartache caused by someone that is supposed to love them unconditionally and fight for them. I think having Jane as an example of who not to be has helped make me a better mother to both the boys and to J.C.

What’s the Point?

2010-11-14T22:47:00.000-08:00

Jane’s mom Jolie has asked us if she can have the boys a few weekends during the month. This is completely fine with us, but we told her we’d prefer to plan it out each month instead of trying to stick to a schedule of the first and third Saturday of the month. It just seems easier that way since we’re a social family.

This last week I picked the boys up from Jolie’s house. The four of them were outside waiting for me. The boys were playing ball. I got there and Jolie and I greeted each other. I think for the most part Jolie likes me as a person and has been impressed on what I’ve done with the boys so I’m not really intimidated by seeing her. I do have an issue with the conditions of which they live in (It’s a real petting zoo in there and really smells like one.) I asked the boys if they were ready to go and they said yes. Then they started taking off toward the car and I said “Wait a minute. Come say goodbye to Grandma Jolie.” One by one they came back and gave her a hug. She affectionately gave them hugs and kisses back and said she’d see them on Wednesday.

Once we got home FH asked them if they had fun. We got the half-hearted “yeah” from Older Boy and Younger Boy. Middle Boy told us “Not really.” When asked why not he said “Because we didn’t get to play video games.”

It got me wondering about what they thought their visits were all about. Perhaps it was really naïve of me to think that they would be excited to see their grandma and mom. I’m not from a divorced family but I was always excited when I got to see family members growing up. I also have wondered what these visits meant to Jolie and to Jane.

A couple minutes later I called the three of the boys down for a quick chat.

Crys: I wanted to know what you think the point is when you go to visit Jolie or your mom?

Older Boy: To get to do extra stuff.

Middle Boy: To play video games and watch TV.

Younger Boy: *Blank Stare*

Side Note: I’m not going to lie that it bothered me that was what they thought the point was. Later on when I talked to FH about it he said that he probably contributed to part of that. But I honestly think that both FH and Jane have contributed to it. Jane doesn’t really do a lot of visiting with them. They go over there and all they do is play computer/video games or watch movies the whole time. Sometimes during the warmer months she will bring them to the pool or the park, but that’s a rare occasion. Since video game playing time has decreased significantly since I moved in FH put a focus that they can go play video games at Jane’s.

Back on track: I told the boys that the point of their visits with Jolie and Jane was to spend some time with them and to see them. That yes they got to play video games and watch TV while at their houses but the point is to spend some time with them since they don’t get to see them all the time.

I then put Middle Boy in the other person’s shoes because it seems to be the only way to get him to understand lately.

Crys: Middle Boy, how would you feel if Grandma Jolie said, “I didn’t have a fun time visiting Middle Boy because I didn’t get to play video games.”

Middle Boy: It would make me sad.

Crys: Well, then perhaps that is something you should remember the next time you go over for a visit.

I realize that I can’t make Jane and Jolie visit with the boys instead of herding them over to play video games and watch TV. I also realize that I can’t make the boys want to visit them either. But, I can at least plant the seed of though that maybe there is more to visiting your family members than just playing video games.

5 Years Old

2010-11-04T08:46:00.000-07:00

Younger Boy turned 5 years old last Wednesday. I can’t believe that he is now 5. His growth really makes me stop and think about just how much time and effort and love I have invested in my new life as a stepmom.

He was 2 almost 3 when I first moved in. He was still in diapers. He needed an adult to dress him. He definitely didn’t know how to read, write or spell. And now he’s 5. He can read, write, spell, add, count, dress himself, handle having responsibilities and he can wipe his own butt. He’s grown up a lot in the last 2 years that I’ve been living here.

I was a little bit irked that his mom didn’t call to wish him a Happy Birthday. So I’m going to pretend that she graced him with love and birthday wishes the following Saturday when he went over to celebrate his Aunt’s birthday and spend time visiting with her.

I was absolutely thrilled for him though that he received a couple of phone calls from his other Aunt and grandmas for his birthday. By the time my mom called to sing him the Birthday Song his face was glowing and he had the biggest smile on his face. I decided to bask in that instead of dwell on the ickyness that Jane hadn’t called. I don’t know why I thought she would considering she didn’t call either of the other boys on their birthdays either. I guess I’m just still frustrated that she doesn’t treat her kids the same. It bothers me more because I get hung up on hoping the boys don't notice she doesn't treat them the same either. And then I feel the pressure to put even more effort into them to make sure they don't notice she doesn't treat them the same. And that can get exhausting.

We celebrated the weekend before with a little get together with some of our friends and family. It wasn’t the kid-filled party we had anticipated but we all had a relaxing time hanging out. He wanted a Lego party thus I put some effort into trying to make a fabulous Lego cake.

Now That I’m A Mother

2010-10-26T08:50:00.000-07:00

Now that I am a mother I’ve had a new wave of frustration as an Instant Mother. It’s not that I resent the boys’ presence. It’s not that I no longer want to care for them or take care of them or nurture them. It is more that I have definitely found myself even more frustrated at times with the reality that their mother doesn’t take an active role in their lives.

I lightly touched on it in my last post. As a first time mom I’ve had people telling me to get a lot of rest, to relax and to sleep whenever possible so that I can recover as well as keep my sanity to balance off my new sleep schedule. I can maybe get an extra nap in once in the morning right after I drop the boys off at school and before I have to pick up Younger Boy OR in the afternoon right after I drop Younger Boy off at the after school program and before FH comes home from work.

As a mother myself now I get frustrated that Jane isn’t here to help take care of the boys more often. I’m frustrated that the only time she wants to see them, talk to them, be a part of their lives is if she has a day off from work. I think a part of it is that I’m here trying my best to be the best mom I can be to a newborn, and the best instant mom I can be to three kids that aren’t mine and it is draining me.

Don’t get me wrong here … as I said above I haven’t had a change of heart for the boys, but now that I’ve actually gone through the whole experience of labor and midnight/3am/6am feedings in the same night experience I just get kind of pissy that a woman who birthed three kids gets to have such a rule over my schedule once a week and on the holidays when I’m doing all the work and she’s not even trying to wish them a good night or anything.

To her credit she did offer to put the boys on her health insurance plan while FH transitions between jobs. Allegedly she doesn’t get charged anything extra to have children on her benefits plan. I’m hoping this means that their coverage will be decent still or perhaps that we won’t need to use it until FH is off of his probation period at his new job.

If she were perhaps more consistent with her visits and not consistently trying to get out of seeing them perhaps my anger wouldn’t be on the verge of blossoming. But with my lack of sleep lately I’ve been getting rather irritated in having to be up and going all the time when all I want to do is sit back with my daughter and relax and do nothing … or sleep.

In other views … Baby J.C. has a smile that melts my frustration and anger away. Luckily for me she’s been more smiley each day that comes.

A Little Selfish

2010-10-22T08:55:00.000-07:00

J.C. is about two weeks old now and life has definitely been changed. I’m glad I’m on maternity leave because I think it will take me another week or so to get into the habit of waking up at 6:30am so that I can function before I have to wake the boys up to take them to school. And that means no matter how many times I do or don’t wake up during the night my morning responsibility is to make sure the boys get breakfast and to school on time.

I’ve felt a little selfish though lately and I’ve had a hard time sharing … although I do share because, I can’t very well not share when the boys live with us 24/7.

I’ve felt a little selfish because I’m a first time mom with instant kids and I’ve felt very flustered with that at times. I’ve had to set an alarm on my cell phone so that I’ll be sure to be awake when it’s time to pick up or drop off Younger Boy from kindergarten. I’ve had to one-handedly put together lunch components while holding a baby in the other hand. And I’ve had to share her and FH with them. I think that was hard because I really harbor the moments when it’s just me, FH and J.C. I’ve had to remind myself that there are three other people that are a part of this family – even when at times even some of them don’t act like it.

And it’s not out of dislike for the boys. I think it’s just me realizing that my situation as a first time mom isn’t typical. And that is frustrating at times.

So to deal with it, I’ve learned to soak in time alone with J.C. I’ve learned to soak in the special moments that FH and I have together with J.C. I’ve also learned to make sure to remind the boys that they get to be a part of her life too. Older Boy doesn’t need the reminder and I appreciate that he’s always willing to help out with her and to kiss her goodnight without us having to tell him that he can.

Middle Boy is in charge of gathering up the diaper bags every night and Younger Boy still talks about her all the time. But the two of them tend to walk past her at nighttime without a kiss on the cheek. I’m not sure it it’s just forgetfulness on their part because she’s usually sleeping or if they’re waiting for permission to kiss her. I always feel a little silly having to remind them to kiss their sister goodnight.

Anyway, that’s the main thing I’ve been learning to deal with lately. For the most part having a baby in the house hasn’t been nearly as impossible as some people have made it sound out to be. She sleeps well and isn’t a crying poopy mess all the time. I also now have that connection with a child and it is amazing. I also now cannot imagine how or why Jane would not want the boys to be a part of her life. It makes even less sense now to me. Luckily I’m totally over trying to make sense of Jane’s actions.

I didn't know that such a little person could make me feel so happy and warm inside. And as much as I have a hard time sharing, I feel even more happy watching Older Boy playing with her. That's love that is heart melting.

She’s Finally Here!!

2010-10-13T00:41:00.000-07:00

“It is the nature of babies to be in bliss.” -Deepak Chopra

I wanted to stop in and update everyone. The fabulous news is that there is a stinkin’ cute baby girl in my home.

I had a 20 hour long labor with only 2 1/2 hours of pushing. It was definitely a full day effort. If you look at the day I started with regular contractions though it was about 40 hours of labor. Baby J.C. was born at 8:28pm on October 7, 2010, at 8 lbs 5 oz 21 inches long.

It wasn’t a fun labor (not that I expected it to be.) I had a 102.7 fever and unfortunately so did the baby. She was in the NICU for the first 2 or so days, and I was visiting her every two or so hours to feed her and spend some time with her. We both were on watch because we had to have our temperatures stabilized and normal for a 24 hour period and we had series of antibiotics. She was finally able to stay with me in my room on Saturday night and we finally came home Sunday afternoon.

I’ve been slowly recovering and trying to get some strength back. J.C. is doing good though. F.H. and I make a really good team when it comes to taking care of her and sharing responsibilities. Luckily he was able to take the week off so that he can help out around the house and we have bonding time with her.

The boys are absolutely in love with her. They look at her with such wonder. They haven’t been able to do a lot with her considering she’s a baby but we’re trying to think of ways that they can be more involved in her care. The most precious thing though is watching them all give her a kiss good night before they head on up to bed. Especially Younger Boy whose face absolutely lights up and glows whenever he gets to see her or talk about her.

I’ll hope to be back sooner than later. It kind of all depends on having the energy and moment to spare. I hope that everyone is doing well!

Baby J.C. a couple minutes old.

J.C. all snuggled up and sleeping.

Baby Update

2010-10-06T03:24:00.001-07:00

The Baby Update is that I'm still pregnant and am at 41 weeks today. Saying I'm uncomfortable is a bit of an understatement, but I'm trooping through it. I had a doctor's appointment and a stress test done yesterday to check on how the baby is doing. The good news is that the baby is doing fine. In fact, she was so active that we had to wait longer so the nurse could get the numbers she needed to let us go. The baby either kept moving away from the monitor or she's kick it off and we'd need to readjust. I have a feeling I'll have a handful of little sass on my hands.

The other good news is that I'm at least starting to open up. Last week my cervix was still closed up, but I'm about at 1 cm now so that's at least progress. Keep us in your thoughts and send us some labor-ific vibes. My friend put it fabulously as imagining the old Mervyn's commercials where the ladies are standing outside the doors saying 'Open! Open! Open!'

I'll keep you all updated!

The Boys and the Baby

2010-10-02T10:19:00.000-07:00

One thing a lot of people ask me is how the boys feel about the baby. It always catches me as odd considering that for the most part we've been functioning as a rather healthy family unit for the past year and a half ... almost two years. However, I do know that some people just don't get it and I can't really hold that against them. Even I'm aware that blended family life isn't for everyone.

But as far as I can tell the boys are excited … especially Younger Boy. All of the adults that work with him at the school all already knew about his younger sister and her name. It was rather touching to me that he was so excited already.

Anyway, considering Jane had another baby two years ago I wasn’t sure how the boys would react to having a baby in the house. Older Boy has had the experience of having a preggo mom and new baby in the house. Middle Boy may or may not remember what life was like when Younger Boy was born. And Younger Boy is only aware of what life with a baby is like from the few times he was welcomed over to stay the night/weekend with Jane.

Their brother Trevor is now 3 years old, and they see him once a week (if Jane doesn’t cancel) for about two hours. From what they’ve told me, when they do stay the night over there their time is focused around whatever Trevor wants and doesn’t want to do. One time I was informed they watched Kung Fu Panda about 15 times over the weekend because Trevor really liked the movie.

I’ve been trying to have the boys involved with as much as I can. They help me with chores around the house. I talk with Middle Boy about all the possibilities of what she will be like because he likes to wonder aloud a lot about what she might be like. I’m rather glad that Younger Boy is older now because when Trevor was first born he had some baby envy – but who wouldn’t expect that. Especially when this new baby gets to live with Jane and get all her attention and Younger Boy has to have FH and I fighting for him just to get some attention. But from the amount that he talks about the baby I think that he is truly excited.

I was sure what Older Boy’s reaction really was until a couple of days ago when he asked if he could feel her move. She had chosen to take a nap at the moment so I told him I would let him know the next time she was going nutty in there. Luckily it happened Friday morning and at first he lightly put his hand on the baby belly. I know she’s big enough that even Nasty Cat can definitely feel her but a little pressure doesn’t hurt if you really want to feel some movement. So I pushed his hand down a little harder and she moved up toward his hand. He had a sparkle in his eye and a smile on his face and I felt one of those warm fuzzies inside.

Will their opinions change once a crying, pooping baby is actually in the house? Possibly, but it’s nice to know that they already love her and are excited to have her here to be a part of the family. I’m three days past the estimated due date right now and they’re already making a little poll of their own to guess which day she’ll finally decide to stop being stubborn and make her grand entrance.

She Doesn’t Treat Them The Same

2010-09-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

Some of you may remember from last year, but I got rather furious when I came to the realization that Jane only put effort into requesting the boys’ presence last year for her other son Trevor’s birthday. (For those that are new Jane had a new baby not too long after the divorce/I moved in. It’s been cause for some issues here and there.)

After talking with Jane’s sister Allison I came to the realization that not only was the effort made just for Trevor’s birthday but that this effort was made solely for Trevor. His birthday was yesterday, which was also my due date by the way but I’m still pretty preggo today.

Anyway, this year’s gripe/realization … I think it’s still pretty stupid that Jane doesn’t treat all her children the same. It’s beyond her constantly asking for the older boys and leaving Younger Boy out. She treats Trevor completely different from how she treats all three of the boys. For instance, she makes a big deal about making sure to take/request Trevor’s birthday off from work. Yet, we have to plan in advance just to try and get her to take time off to spend with the boys over summers, for holidays, etc. And she doesn’t even bother trying to take the day off from work for any of the boys’ birthdays. In face, we always have to prod her ahead of time to find out what her day off will be and when she plans on celebrating the boys’ birthdays.

I’m not as furious as I was last year. But it was most disappointing to come and realize that the injustice of how she treats all of her children is much more than I first though.

I’m glad that we at least treat them all the same when it comes to their birthdays, in additional to realizing that the way we celebrate may need some tweaking as they get older in age.

Baby Update: As you may have guessed I’m still pretty preggo. My due date was yesterday but I have a feeling that perhaps the baby didn’t want to share a birthday with Trevor … also that she’s probably about as stubborn as me so she’s going to come when she feels like it instead of when someone tells her too. Hopefully though, she’ll be considerate of my comfort level and will come sooner than later. I know it can’t possible by comfy in there considering she’s growing bigger each week. Here’s to hoping she’s not that stubborn.

Proud of My Husband

2010-09-17T09:37:00.000-07:00

I guess a positive and a downfall is that I’m always looking for the positive in people - except for the likes of Kobe and Derek Jeter. Otherwise, even in Jane I have some faith in to one day be a decent human being.

She actually had set a new record for herself this year. She was consistently seeing the boys for a dinner date once a week. She had even been taking all three of them overnight about once a month or so. It got to the point that I stopped wondering when she was going to cancel on them because I really figured that maybe she had grown up a bit and started to grasp that Motherhood responsibility thing.

Then two weeks ago she cancelled. She didn’t give a reason, she just cancelled…the day of. Then last week she called up FH trying to cancel. At first her excuse was that they were having car trouble. And I’m very proud of FH because he said “No,” and said that even if she didn’t come the boys were still going to go visit at her mom’s house. Then she tried to throw in that her ear had been bleeding the night before. FH again said ‘No, we have a date night planned.”

Low and behold, when we got to Jolie’s house there parked out front was Jane’s car. We were pleasantly surprised (actually shocked) because we figured she was just going to be a no show.

We had a fabulous date night but then she really pissed me off again when she asked FH if Older Boy could come stay the night on Friday. And Middle Boy could come too if he wanted. And again, Younger Boy got dissed with no invite.

FH called her back later that night with the message that perhaps she ought to take Older Boy and Younger Boy this weekend, and to relay more info involving Middle Boy’s medical bills (that’s a whole other post).

To her credit she actually called back a day or so later and said it was fine with her if Younger Boy went over there instead. It still pissed me off, but at least she was willing to take him.

Anyway, I’m proud of my husband. My husband two years ago might have been willing to bend over and let her have her way without argument. But he’s been standing up to her lately and I like it.

Baby Update: As of right now that little baby is still trying to kick her way out. She hasn’t quite figured out that is not how you get out of there. I’m 38 weeks and oh so ready to be done. I’ll keep you all updated on whenever I actually leave to go into labor. The due date is September 29th so basically she’s coming whenever she’s good and ready.

And for those who enjoy a good visual, and aren't a friend on Facebook, here is the baby bump at 38 weeks.

Day 730 – I’m Still Here

2010-09-15T21:52:00.000-07:00

Seven hundred thirty days ago I moved in with FH and the boys. I jumped into a world I had no idea about. And 730 days later I still sometimes question what the hell I was thinking. However, on Day 730 I came to a conclusion while reading another stepmommy blogger’s post.

It wasn’t necessarily that it was one of those posts that I could relate to because I had written it, but it was about a topic that gave me an “Aha” moment.

I know I’ve written about it before but Jane doesn’t pay child support. This is just the agreement that came from their divorce. Thus, from the moment I moved in my paycheck that used to support just me and Nasty Cat was now supporting three kids that weren’t mine, and me and Nasty Cat.

The only thing we’ve gotten Jane to help put money toward is out-of-pocket medical expenses because their papers say that they have to split those. Otherwise, all other expenses fall on us. I know I’ve mentioned that Jane doesn’t have that most fabulous paying job, but paying for a family of 5 isn’t cheap. It was one of the reasons I became a PartyLite consultant when I found out I was pregnant because if a family of 5 isn’t cheap then a family of 6 isn’t going to be any cheaper.

Back to the point, I get frustrated with Jane because she is absent, treats her kids like crap and is still loved and adored by them. But the light bulb that came on in my head is that I realized I’m really, really damn angry that I’m here paying for the kids while she doesn’t pay jack.

I can’t really be too angry with my husband for making the mistake of marrying her and what not. We all make mistakes and I’m sure he faces that reality every day. But I think a part of that bitterness that I’ve been unable to really tackle down is the fact that I’m paying for it, literally paying for it too. I don’t mind paying for my own mistakes but having to get stressed out due to lack of funds or not be able to pay for something for me or the baby because I’ve spent the rest of my money on the kids really frustrates me.

It frustrates me that I have a hard enough time saving up money as it is because it’s all going toward supporting my family. Which normally and realistically what happens anyway, but as a stepmom it's a bit different I guess.

I hope that makes sense. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boys and wouldn’t take back my choice for the world. But it is just very frustrating that I’m doing all this work and sometimes it feels like I'm not appreciated. As a stepparent I don’t have any legal rights. I don’t have that bond by nature with them. And I feel like I’m constantly being scrutinized and compared to Jane by them.

I guess I am happy that I was able to pin point this. Being full of anger and frustration and not knowing why is mind blowing. And now that I've figured it out I can start working on my attitude toward it and trying to find my way to balance out those frustrations.

But today is my two year mark at being an instant mom. I’ve come a long way, and I know that I alone have made a big difference in the boys’ and FH's lives. And for being able to be that difference I really am glad and proud. And I’m still here.

He’s A Big Boy Now

2010-09-09T12:05:00.001-07:00

If I haven’t mentioned it we’re now living in a three bedroom townhouse. Older Boy has his own room is absolutely ecstatic about it. Although I think he’s still trying to grasp what having his own room means. (Like being able to tell your little brothers to please leave or not allow them in at all.) FH and I discussed maybe getting him one of those “Keep Out” signs for kicks and giggles.

This means that Middle Boy and Younger Boy are sharing a room. They have the bunk beds in there. For the past two years Middle Boy has been the king of the bunk beds, as in he has the top bunk. However, there have been some new developments.

Middle Boy fell off the monkey bars at school and it resulted in a wrinkle fracture or bubble fracture. I’d never heard of one before and apparently because children’s bones are still rather flexible the stress from the fall caused his bones to sort of flex or bend. In other words he has a bump on his bone. He has on a sort of ace bandage cast, although it’s more a brace for support from what I’ve read. Luckily it hasn’t caused him much pain and he hasn’t had any pain killers since the day of the fall. Combined with his ability to still torture and pick on Younger Boy and run around with his cousins I feel he will make a full, quick recovery.

Due to the fact that he has this cast on his arm though FH and I decided that it was time for Younger Boy to graduate on up to the top bunk. He’s bigger and Middle Boy was in kindergarten when he was able to graduate up to the top.

I’m not sure yet how Younger Boy feels about this change, but if he’s anything like my sister and I when we were little he’s excited. I told him that he gets to sleep up there now because he’s a big boy. He seemed pretty pleased with that. Both FH and I have kept an eye on him climbing up and down, especially in the mornings when he wakes up. Today is day 3 of sleeping on the top bunk and he’s still doing really good and looks confident when he does it. Here’s to hoping that he will continue to do well and not have any nasty falls.

It Feels Strange

2010-09-07T12:49:00.000-07:00

I’m not quite sure how to word my current feelings so I guess I’ll just explain what I can.

A while ago FH had told me about an e-mail he had found from Jane to her guy (this was before the divorce was finalized and all that jazz. I almost want to say it right after she had said something about wanting to get divorced.) Anyway, in this e-mail she mentions that all she’s ever wanted in life was to have a little girl and to live out in the country.

As you may recall, Jane now has four boys, and I’m having the little girl.

Yesterday we picked the boys’ up from Jane. She had called Sunday afternoon to inform us she had Monday off. Not being ones to miss out on a night alone we suggested she take the boys that evening. Anyway, on the way into the house I noticed a small gift bag that looked very much like a gift for a baby. I looked at FH and he said that Jane had gotten it for the baby.

After the boys went to bed I opened it and looked through it. She had sent over some rather nice things. Baby onesies (not the cheap brands) in the colors I had indicated on my registries that I wanted, baby toys and some baby essentials like wash and powder. I looked at FH and found myself thinking aloud that I wished she put this type of effort into her own children.

To back up a bit, she recently sent Middle Boy home with some new packs of underwear. Take note that Middle Boy is a wiry, skinny little stick that is wearing size 6-7. The underwear was size 10-12 and size 14-16. Luckily Older Boy just fits into the 10-12, but we’ll have to see I guess if he’s going to be willing to wear dragon underwear when he’s able to fit into a 14-16. Note Older Boy is a wiry, skinny stick that needs slim jeans too. Also, all the clothes she’s ever bought the boys are two-three sizes too big. Older Boy came home in a shirt that fit him like a dress (well down to his knees.)

Anyway, in response FH made the comment that it would be kind of weird if Jane kept buying our baby things because it’s a girl.

Many of you may remember that I try very hard to put a positive spin on things to save myself the ickyness of suspicion and stress from Jane. So a part of me keeps reminding myself, “Oh, that was a very kind gesture on behalf of Jane.”

The other half though is kind of pissed that she did go to the trouble of doing such a nice thing for the baby when she does jack squat for her own kids. And the other half is horrified that maybe FH might not be too far off in wondering if she’s going to push her baby girl dreams onto our child since she doesn’t have one.

Then there is still that other little voice in the back of my mind that’s been nagging at me: “She’s going to be pregnant again anyway, especially once I have my baby and the boys do nothing but talk about their little sister.” Her youngest boy is going to be 2 years old this year. And if she keeps in tradition she’s due to get pregnant again sometime this year or next.

Anyway, I guess I’m still trying to feel it all out. It makes me somewhat uncomfortable though that there’s an underlying plan on her part. She’s not exactly a selfless and considerate mother/person. I think I’m more pissed off because I’ve seen what she provides for the boys and here she is spending decent money on our child.

School Has Started

2010-09-03T10:10:00.001-07:00

School has started! And this year they start 20 minutes earlier then they did last year. This means that we all have to wake up earlier. Luckily for Middle Boy, he’s a pop out of bed, awake, morning early bird. Unluckily for Older Boy, Younger Boy and myself we’re sleep in until at least 9am, you’d best not wake me, where’s my coffee, I can’t believe I’m up this flipping early non-morning persons.

It’s been about a week and a half now and we’ve all managed to get a routine down. I drag my butt out of bed around 6:30am-6:50am. I wake the boys up around 7:10am. They make their beds, get dressed, come down and eat dinner. I’m meanwhile putting their lunches and snack together. The goal is to get out the door at 7:30am to get them to school around 7:40am. This way Older Boy can walk Younger Boy to his kindergarten class and still have time to make it to his class line and socialize a bit (wake up a bit more).

Considering I’ve cut out the coffee for now and I haven’t slept well through the night in months I’ve been majorly dragging butt. Thirty-six weeks pregnant is exhausting. Everyone keep telling me I have no clue what I’m in for because I’m going to be waking up even more during the night. But considering I’m waking up about 5-7 times during the night as it is I’m hoping that maybe I’m just getting in good practice for nightly feedings and diaper changes.

On a different note, Younger Boy is really, really excited to finally be at school. He’s in the morning class so I pick him up at 11:25am. Luckily, he was accepted into the after school program from 1:40pm to 6pm so he’s able to come back and socialize and play some more with kids his own age. It’s a blessing, in my opinion, but a pain in the butt trying to juggle between meetings at work.

His after school program teacher though was having trouble keeping him focused. Considering he’s a kindergartner (and an excited kindergartner at that) FH and I figured he’d have to work on learning to focus more. But she asked us the other day for tips.

She mentioned she had tried bribing him with “You can be in the front of the line” and some other mumbo jumbo. Basically we told her that in addition to being super excited he was probably testing her on what he could get away with on his scale of Jane-who-lets-him-do-what-he-wants-and-bribes-with-toys-and-goodies on the left and me-who-enforces-structure-holds-him-accountable-for-his-actions-and-challenges-him-to-find-things-to-do on the right.

He tried pulling the sad, blinking back tears that weren’t there yet trick in front of us when we called him over to have a chat. His teacher mentioned that the face scared her because she felt bad, so I demonstrated the resistance to it and got results. Perhaps I’ve just had more training in working with children and behavior between being an instant mom and working in the childhood development centers all those years.

The good news is that she reported to FH the other day that she found that if she gave him a task to focus on he was much better instead of going wild.

I’m hoping that with time Younger Boy will get used to being in a class environment. And that in a couple of weeks I’ll go into labor, because I’ve been really, really patient.

Memo to Nasty Cat – Don’t Get Too Comfortable

2010-08-24T09:30:00.000-07:00

Memo: To Nasty Cat

Dept: Cats

From: Crys

Subject: More Changes

Nasty Cat, I want to acknowledge that you have been a pretty good sport with all the changes we’ve undergone together in the last two years.

You’ve been very tolerant with the boys, other children who come to visit the house and even with FH. You’ve also been very good, for the most part, about the constant moving every year to a new home. I feel your pain on not enjoying it all the time, but I appreciate it and I wanted you to know that I appreciate it.

I know that you too are very excited and looking forward to tomorrow (Wednesday, August 25th) when the boys go back to school. And I do mean all three boys will be going to school for a good part of the day. Younger Boy will be going to kindergarten so that means that he will only be gone for part of the morning, but no worries he will eventually go all day too.

With this said I think it is time I inform you that I am now about 35 weeks pregnant. I know this really means nothing to you at the moment, but to me that means that in a matter of weeks I’ll be giving birth to this little baby. I’m not sure if you’ve ever experienced a baby before. I’m not sure what your life was like before I brought you home from the shelter. But a baby is a whole new thing for both you and me.

I know so far your main experience with this baby has been when you try to cuddle up around my suddenly large stomach and you get poked. I know it's confused you. There you are, napping on my lap when you get a swift poke (kick) to the head. FH and I really didn't mean to laugh at you, but the look of surprise and confusion on your face was priceless.

With my experience with babies they like to cry, and poop, and sleep, and eat … a lot. In some retrospect a baby’s life is very similar to how you spend your day.

I know you’re aware that we’ve acquired some new furniture. Like the chair on wheels contraption and the other lounging chair with the handle. We’ve been trying to set these out so that you can see them, get used to them, and realize that their not yours.

In closing – the baby is almost here. And that means that life is about to get all kinds of crazy again. I thought I ought to at least try to give you a heads up since it’s about to be you, me and the baby all day.

Just so you know, I still love you a lot and you’ll always be my kitty. But you’re going to have to learn how to share me. Oh, and you can have total rule over the boys’ rooms while they’re off at school.

Kind Regards,

Crys, House Co-Director

NOTE: I'm attaching a photo of you trying to sleep on my lap with the baby to help remind you that you have already sort of become a part of the baby's life. She knows who you are by your purring and I like to think that maybe she already likes you and her poking at you is her way of saying "hello."

Feeling A Little Guilty

2010-08-19T11:09:00.000-07:00

Well, I’m glad to say that we’re moved out of the old apartment and are in the nice bigger townhouse. It’s not the permanent place, but it’s more fitting. Older Boy now has his own room which is a big deal. Middle Boy and Younger Boy are sharing a room and will just have to work harder on getting along. And the baby will have her own little nook in the master bedroom with us. She even has her own closet which is already full of clothes, blankets and diapers.

Can I also tell you that at 34 weeks I’m so ready to have this baby? I’ve been trying so hard to be patient because all I want is to have her already and get it over with. I’ve also been trying hard not to think too much about the whole birthing process that is in the very near future. Gah!

August has been crazy busy which is probably how it passed by so fast. It’s also been a relaxing time because the kiddos have been at one place or another. This week Older Boy and Middle Boy are staying with Jane for the week and we have Younger Boy here with us. He spent a weekend with Middle Boy at her home the first weekend of the month.

I’m feeling a little guilty because I don’t have a longing, missing feeling for them. I know that FH misses them like crazy. But I’m currently enjoying the quiet and less chaotic times. I’ve also been feeling rather disconnected from the boys. Even with Younger Boy I’ve felt disconnected lately and have been working on feeling that attachment to him again.

I’m not sure why. I think it might be a combination of being pregnant, them being gone, the looming reality that life is about to get even more chaotic, and me really enjoying some peace and quiet work days.

I guess that’s just the life of a stepmother though. I don’t care for them any less. I don’t love them any less. I don’t desire or wish the best for them any less. I also don’t loath them coming back. I’m just not missing their presence at the moment. It’s a sort of limbo … or perhaps it’s my way of trying to cope with the reality that more huge change is on the way.

I honestly look forward to a day when perhaps life will be a little more set and not so many new, big changes are happening all at once. I know change is unavoidable, but this is A LOT of BIG change happening all at the same time.

To Hope or Not Hope August Is Speedy

2010-08-02T13:10:00.000-07:00

Dear August,

I’m rather torn about you. On one hand I would love if you went by slowly. You see, this week all three boys are at home. And it’s only Monday and I’m already going nuts.

But then next week all three boys will be off to Oregon and Southern California. And then the week after that we may or may not only have Younger Boy at home. (You know, if Jane actually gets her shit together and asks for the week off like she was supposed to do a month or two ago when we first decided on dates.) And then the week after that school starts!

Yet, I’m really miserable in the department of baby creating right now. I’ll be at 32 weeks sooner than later and am apparently the size of a hippo. People keep asking me if I’m sure I’m not having twins and last night was the first night that sleep just wasn’t happening. I don’t know if I’m up for a month and a half more of sleepless nights like this. Or perhaps this will actually be the last month of normal sleep I have before the little blossom arrives.

We’re also in the middle of moving…Which I am not a fan of … especially because I can’t do anything. But it is a bigger apartment and not only will Older Boy finally have his own room but I will once again have a washer and dryer in the unit.

So you see, I would love more than anything if you went by as quickly as July did, but at the same time something tells me that I really ought to cherish your presence. So please don’t be offended if one minute I hate you and the next I love you. If you need to point blame you can point it at the crazy preggo hormones.

Thank you for hearing me out.

Kind Regards,

Crys

He Has An Infection Where?

2010-07-29T09:29:00.000-07:00

I like to think that considering I am the full-time at home parental figure in the boys lives I have a good grasp on what’s going on with them. But sometimes I find myself questioning my instincts when Jane makes statements about the boys’ health.

For the most part she’s full of hot air, but I think I second-guess myself because I still feel all new and shiny as a parent. Although I’ve come to understand that just because the woman has given birth to four children doesn’t make her an expert at motherhood either.

The latest incident happened last night. FH and I picked the boys up and FH informed me that Jane had informed him that Younger Boy has an infection on his penis.

Considering I was home with the child ALL DAY and didn’t notice anything different about his potty habits, nor did he complain to me about any burning or hurting when he went to the bathroom I was confused. I know Urinary Tract infections are not pleasant and would only assume that they’re not pleasant for the male folk either.

My gut told me that Younger Boy had told her that his penis hurt because that’s his latest new thing. “Penis” and “Butt” and randomly talking about them at great lengths is the latest trend in the world of Younger Boy. A couple of weeks ago while playing with Legos Younger Boy looked up at me and said:

YB: There are thorns in my penis.

Crys: *Silent with shock, then confusion, then I dared to respond with* Oh yeah? And how did thorns get in your penis.

YB: *Nonchalantly* There were thorns pushing on my penis. So now I run away from them.

Crys: Oh, OK. Well, good job then.

The child has also randomly yelled out while in the shower, his room, or while sitting on the toilet the following:

“Don’t step on my penis!”

“Ouch! That hurts my butt!”

“Don’t step on my butt!”

“Ouch! My penis hurts!”

“Ouch! My butt hurts!”

In which it is usually followed by a lot of laughter and then a repeat of the statement through the laughter.

Now, to the non-knowing person a statement like that could lead to many crazy thoughts. We’ve tried to talk to him about it … about not saying things like that unless it really does hurt…but he’s four-years-old. And apparently to this four-year-old boy it’s damn funny. So are the words “poop” and “fart.”

Back to the story, I informed FH that was my assumption. We even asked Younger Boy if his penis hurt and he said no.

At home we took a look and saw nothing unusual. Again, Younger Boy said that it didn’t hurt. And then he went to the bathroom without incident and took a shower. And this morning there has still been no complaint. And trust me, I’ve asked.

I guess I should be thankful that 1)The child does not have an infection and 2)Jane didn’t insist on rushing him to the emergency room as she likes to do for non-medical emergencies.

But it irritates me when I second-guess myself because of something she says.

Choosing A Consequence

2010-07-27T09:21:00.000-07:00

I like to think that I’ve come a long way when it comes to getting upset with the boys’ behavior. I may still raise my voice when I’ve discovered they’re doing something undesirable, but I’m learning to raise my voice to inform them they’re doing something undesirable, walking away to calm down for a bit and then coming back to talk to them about it.

Since I’m the one that’s home all day (working from home has its pros and cons) I’m the one that usually gets to encounter these issues. But, it’s really nice when FH is home and we can handle them together. I was so proud of us I thought I’d share a recent experience.

Younger Boy and Middle Boy have this habit of not staying on task. Which I guess is a habit for a lot of people, including myself sometimes. But when we ask them to clean up their room or to put their clothes away we expect them to do so. We’ve found many an occasion though where it takes them an hour or longer to do the task because instead of doing what they’re supposed to be doing they play around until they notice one of us peeking around the corner and then they jump back to what they’re supposed to be doing.

Well, I’d finally had it one day. I caught them playing with toys twice instead of putting their clothes away. I went in pretty hot-headed and informed them that I was most disappointed and angry that they were playing around instead of putting their clothes away. The raised voice sure let them know that I wasn’t joking around and they immediately got quiet and started putting their clothes away.

I asked FH his thoughts on letting them choose their own consequences of either “no TV” or “Go to bed early” for three days. He thought it was a pretty good idea. When they were done, and I had cooled off I called them into the room. In a calmer voice I re-said the bit about why we were upset with them not doing what they’re supposed to do. Then I let them know that they would get to choose their own consequence.

FH and I were fairly surprised with their choices. Middle Boy chose “no TV” and Younger Boy chose to “go to bed early.” And they behaved for the most part the rest of the day.

I’ll have to keep an eye out on whether they stay on task since, but I think letting them choose their own consequence was a good move. If anything it seemed to be better well accepted by both boys.

Where Legos DO NOT Go

2010-07-22T11:48:00.000-07:00

Younger Boy learned a fun lesson yesterday. He and Middle Boy were playing in their room yesterday when I heard Younger Boy shrieking “Get it Oooout!!” I heard Middle Boy trying to calm him down and offer to help pull it out. Then I heard Younger Boy shrieking “It’s stuck in my nose!”

At this point I thought I’d give them a couple of more minutes of problem solving. I also started mentally going through my mind of where the tweezers were at.

After about another moment of Younger Boy shrieking “It’s stuck in my nose! It won’t come out!” I finally decided to walk over. As soon as he saw my shadow in the hallway he came running out. And in his left nostril was a white, round cylinder lego. Keep in mind that Younger Boy is 4 (almost 5) and still has those small little nostrils. Just the perfect fit apparently.

Now, I had to try really hard not to laugh because it was just too funny.

Crys: How did a lego get stuck in your nose?

YB: It’s stuck! It won’t come out! It’s stuck forever!!

This is the moment when I see that by crying his snot was slowly dislodging the lego. I assessed that it was not an emergency and I quickly went digging in my purse to find my camera. This is probably one of those moments when my younger sister would yell at me for looking for my camera. I did the same thing to her after she got locked out of the house and in her drunken state was taken down by a bush. It was worth the moment. I promise.

Anyway, I found my camera and snapped a photo just as the lego piece fell out of his nostril. It’s classic.

As soon as it popped out onto the floor this look of relief and amazement washed over his face. And he looked at me.

Crys: So Younger Boy, do legos go in your nose?

YB: No.

P.S. If you have WordPress then you might have noticed some comments from someone named "OfCatsAndKids." That's me. I kept forgetting to log out of there. So just an FYI to all of you who may be confused as to who this new person is and why they say stuff about what is going on in my blog.

It Was Just A Thought

2010-07-19T10:50:00.000-07:00

I’ve discovered that the bigger this baby grows the harder of a time I have doing rather normal things like bending over, getting up from the couch and painting my toe nails. Considering my feet are swollen half the time and I’m now in flip flops and barefoot a good majority of the time nice looking toe nails have been my latest obsession.

In my past life when I was a single, career-girl with a cat I used to frequent a nearby nail salon. I didn’t even care if I couldn’t understand the women who seemed to talk more to each other while doing our nails than to us. However, after I became an instant mother, who shares her paycheck to provide for her new family and a cat my trips to get my nails done have become almost non-existent. In fact, the last time I did have a manicure/pedicure was when I flew out to Michigan for a friend’s wedding last September. It was by far the best manicure/pedicure ever.

Recently I attempted to paint my toe nails. I was successful in getting color on them, but not very successful in getting that fabulous polished look. I looked at FH and for a moment considered asking if he would help me. However, I dare not tread on his masculinity by asking that of him. I’m still trying to convince him that it would be a nice gesture to come home from work with a frozen yogurt topped with fruit in hand (it’s my one craving.) That has yet to happen, but I still have a couple of weeks left.

I later informed him of the idea that I ought to teach Middle Boy or Younger Boy how to paint my toe nails. I received a really fabulous look at that thought. But I didn’t really get an objection. The Pro is that someone else could help me paint my nails … for free. The Con is that it would probably look about as good as if I had tried it myself … or worse.

Maybe I’ll just try to save up for a trip to the salon. But it’s not a completely bad idea. Right?

I Get The Good Stuff

2010-07-16T06:54:00.000-07:00

Younger Boy started his pre-Kindergarten prep camp this week. It’s two weeks long but this is his first taste of a school-like setting and he gets to play and do stuff with kids his own age.

His teacher told me that he has been one of the happiest children there and always sings the loudest and is always just so excited and happy to do things. I told her that he’s been asking me for about a year and a half now when he gets to go to school so he’s just so happy to be able to have something of his own.

He’s so excited that on Tuesday when his school was cancelled for the day (a body was discovered in the park next door) that the poor child about cried. I felt horrible, even though I know it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t dump the body there, geesh.

Yesterday though it hit me … I may not be his “mommy” but I sure as heck get to enjoy the little things by being his “mom.” I was the one who got to see his face light up with excitement when I picked him up because he was just so excited to tell me about his day and about all the thins he did. I’m also the one who gets to hold his hand and be a part of this new chapter of his life where he starts school in the fall. And I’m the one who got to be a part of all this preparation for him to start school in the fall.

Sometimes I get hung up on the lack of child-mother bond with the boys. Or sometimes I get hung up on the fact that I’m not their birth mother. So I’m trying to really soak in all the good stuff that I do get to be a part of. And I try to give myself credit because a lot of this good stuff wouldn’t be happening without me being a part of their lives…mainly because a lot of it didn’t start happening until I became a part of their lives.

I also remind myself that she might always be their "mommy" but she has continuously made the choice not to be their "mom." And that I'm the one who has continuously, despite the nasty moments, made the choice to be the one that is here for them, to nurture them, to help guide them and love them and experience life with them. I get to be the difference in their lives. And isn't that what all people want? To make a difference in at least one person's life in a lifetime?

And I think that’s really something to be proud of and thankful for.

Baby Update: I’m at 29 weeks now, and so many people keep telling me that I look like I’m going to have this baby in August instead of in September. Which I promise I don’t mind the baby coming early I just would hope it would be a health 2-3 weeks early instead of a whole month early. I do know that I wish the little blossom would stop wedging her foot underneath my ribcage. She also really enjoys kicking me on the right side of my rib cage. I’ve been joking that she’s trying to get hers in now…it makes sense to me. Ha ha.

The Suction Cup Experiment

2010-07-13T23:20:00.000-07:00

The other day the three boys were outside playing while I was working. Younger Boy came up the stairs bawling.

Crys: What’s wrong?

YB: Middle Boy is killing all the lady bugs and there aren’t going to be any lady bugs left.

Awww, it was cute and heartbreaking at the same time. I gave him a hug and suggested that he play up here so avoid any more tears or further issues between him and Middle Boy. Soon FH arrived home from work and the other boys came inside. That’s when I heard FH ask Middle Boy what happened to his head.

FH: What happened to your head?

MB: Nothing.

FH: There’s something on your head. What happened to your head? Did you bang it on something?

MB: No. Nothing.

I turned around to see Middle Boy doing the classic *Looking anywhere but at you because I’m hiding something* act. I also saw three big round bruises on his forehead. I thought perhaps he and Older Boy had been head butting and Middle Boy didn’t want to get into trouble, which is usually the case when he’s lying and not telling us what happened.

I called him over to me.

Crys: What were you guys doing out there to get that on your forehead?

MB: Nothing.

Crys: Well there’s obviously something on your head so you were doing something. And what have I told you about lying?

MB: It’s not OK.

Crys: Yeah, and you’ll get into more trouble for lying than you would have if you had just told the truth. Now, there is something on your head, how did it get there?

MB: We found some cups and we stuck them on our heads……….*insert mashed together story*

FH talked to Older Boy while I was talking to Middle Boy and he was able to get a better more accurate story. Apparently Middle Boy and Older Boy had found some suction cups and they thought it was good fun to stick them on their heads.

What they didn’t realize was that they got some ridiculous looking bruises out of (what I'm calling) “The Suction Cup Experiment.”

I tried some warm water and vinegar to help fade the bruises but I think the application might have been done too late because not all of them faded.

Lesson Learned by Middle Boy and Older Boy – Suctions cups stuck on your skin will leave a bruise and bruises take time to go away.

Below is a photo of Middle Boy’s forehead and the fabulous bruises he’s sporting for the next couple of days.

Karma Comes Back Around

2010-07-08T22:52:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone. My name is Crys, and I have a pretween. What is a pretween you may ask. Well, it’s that age range from about 9-11 years of age. You know, before the child is a tween. The very, very beginning of tweendomhood. I could only assume it’s like a toddler learning to walk. The child takes one step to feel it out, then another step and another and then the child falls flat on his or her padded diapered butt. And the child looks to see his or her mother’s reaction. If it’s a look of horror the child cries, if it’s “eh, you’ll be fine” then the child may push back up onto wobbly feet and try again.

Except with a pretween it’s not learning to walk. Its learning how to have an attitude with ones’ parents and seeing just how much of an attitude can be flung. It’s desperately trying to break free from the stigma of being a *gasp* “child.” Its wanting to be old enough to be left home alone, yet without considering the responsibility of having to be responsible when you’re left home alone. It’s also when the child is still oh so very unsure of what is going on and may want to leave a bit of a grip on childhood (without claiming to it) because responsibility is scary.

At least this is what I’ve observed with Older Boy. Earlier last year (around his ninth birthday) Older Boy informed me that he doesn’t like playing with toys. I told him “OK.” He wanted books, clothes, money or gift cards. I tried to spread the word but unfortunately only a few people got the memo. Same thing around Christmas. Some people thought they were being clever by getting him more older kid toys (like a magic set). However, Older Boy put focus into such toys for about a day to a week and then he was done with it.

My mom discovered that drawing supplies were the next way to go with him. Yet, it possible to receive too many sketch pads when you’re a growing and active boy. This past couple of months I’ve observed him testing the waters with responses like “Whatever” and “I don’t care” and “Sup.” The day I heard him greet his grandma over the phone with a “Sup” was the day that it dawned on me that “Oh no, he’s becoming a pretween.”

It was around his tenth birthday a couple months ago that I noticed that it wasn’t just him, but that his other 9-10 year old friends also had the same water-testing “I don’t care” attitudes. Sometimes they just didn’t care and other times they had to revert back to the unsure “Ask your mom … Ask your dad ….” I’m pretty sure I heard “Welcome to the Jungle” playing in the background that day.

I already informed Older Boy that if I ever ask him to make a choice about something and he answers with an "I don't care," then I'm going to make the choice for him and I'm NOT going to care about what he thinks of that choice. He has since then not replied with an "I don't care." If only my mom had said that to me she may have saved herself a few headaches.

I think that I ought to be paid a stipend to deal with the child transition from child to pretween. And then maybe double it for the tween to teenager stage. I’ve only been doing this instant mom thing for almost 2 years and at the moment I can’t have a good stiff drink to cope at the moment. First it was the potty training, then it was the learning to read/write tantrums, then it was being pregnant and now it’s living with a pretween. I’m learning that this having kids stuff means that life will always be interesting. And that having other people’s children makes life never, ever boring.

My mom posted on her Facebook wall a copy and paste meme about “Daughters Week” or something like that and “Post this to show how much you love your daughters.” My mom posted a photo of us and wrote “These are my two most amazing blessings!!!! My life would be so boring if I didn't have them in my life!!! I am so grateful for these two beautiful and independent girls!!”

I’ve also concluded that karma comes around for all kinds of actions. And that your kids’ actions might have something to do with the karma you deserve for your actions as a kid. And that sometimes in life, you get to deal with the karma of other people who decide that being a parent is too much work.

I’m hoping that karma from my childhood will be nice to me since I’ve decided that other people’s children are too wonderful of an opportunity to pass up.

Preggo Update: I’m at 28 weeks this week. Hello third trimester. And hello swollen feet and “everything” gives me heartburn. I was most disappointed to find out that a handful of Raisinettes was actually the devil in disguise. I’m hanging in there though! It’s just around the corner!

Boys PLEASE use the Poop Light!

2010-06-28T10:28:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it’s because I grew up in an all girl house and my dad, the only male, was all about turning on the fan and lighting the “Poop Candle” when doing Number 2. Perhaps it’s because when I did live in the all boy household in college all the boys religiously used the “Poop Spray” that sat above the toilet (sometimes there were two to choose from). Or maybe it’s just that I thought that most people would prefer to do something about the fragrant smell that happens with doing the Number 2. That’s why bathroom fans, poop spray and poop candles were invented, right? They’re all labeled “odor controlling” devices of one kind or another but we all know what they’re really for.

Well, my naïve self became aware that maybe it was just me when I moved in with FH and the boys. At our old bathroom we had a fan that automatically turned on when you turned on the light, I placed two types of sprays in there also. I’m almost convinced I was the only one using them. I also tried to educate about perhaps leaving the fan on and the door cracked if it was an extremely stinky one. Our bathroom was nestled on the far side of the apartment and didn’t have a window. Not only that, but the litter box was in the bathroom so that combined with human smells could really fill up the apartment. In this current apartment there are two switches. One is just a light and one is a light with a fan. I thought it would be obvious but for some reason the boys insisted on just using the switch for just the light when they went in there.

LUCKILY this bathroom has a window, but that doesn’t always help. I finally had enough of being bombed one day and I put up this sign to help make the right decision:

Unfortunately for me, I’m pretty convinced that Younger Boy and FH are the only ones who can read in this house. Although, Younger Boy does like to leave the bathroom door open when he uses the bathroom so I’m not always sure how much help using the light with a fan switch works. But I award an E for Effort.

I write about this now because now that I’m pregnant I have that super-sniffer attached to me. And now that its summer and we just don’t have central air our apartment can be most uncomfortable on a hot nasty day. I wonder if putting duct tape over the “Just the light” switch will help. I think it’s worth a try.

Edit: OK Ladies. As soon as I published this I sprung into action. The "just light" light switch is now taped in the Off position with Duchess Purple duct tape. It is no longer an option. I also wanted to add in that I think the only reason Younger Boy even uses the "Light with fan" switch is because it's labeled with the word "Poop" and we all know how much the child enjoys the word "Poop."

Aww – He Cares About Me!

2010-06-23T14:03:00.000-07:00

Not that I doubt any of the boys care but I’m always so touched when they show it. I guess it’s a part of that “I hope they like me” thought I’ve always had since the first day I met them a little over two years ago.

I’m 26 weeks pregnant today and I’m just growing and growing. I can no longer pull off squeezing into over-sized jeans and my regular shirts. I’ve, for the most part, replaced all of my every day wear with maternity clothes. Except for my sleepwear because my pj pants can still stretch enough and sit under my stomach, and I’m in the market for some new tank sleep tops.

It was this past weekend and the five of us were finishing up a tasty breakfast. I had on pj pants and a tank top and my stomach was sticking far out. Younger Boy came up to me with a look of concern on his face. He scratched his head and asked:

YR: What is happening with your tummy?

Me: That is where the baby is growing.

YR: Oh. My baby is growing too.

Awww! I felt so special that he was concerned for me. His baby, of course, is the imaginary baby that is currently growing in his stomach. He has told me on numerous occasions that he is feeding his baby because he knows I have to feed my baby.

Since he’s still at home with me for the most part until his Pre-K camp starts he’s been very helpful. He helps feed Nasty Cat lunch and dinner, he helps me pick up things that I’ve dropped and just am not about to crawl under a table to retrieve, and just this afternoon he helped me tuck the tag of my shirt in.

Isn’t he just precious? You know, when he’s not busy bossing his brothers around.

Memo to Nasty Cat - Summer Vacation II

2010-06-17T09:06:00.000-07:00

Memo: To Nasty Cat
Dept: Cats
From: Crys
Subject: Summer Vacation Again

Nasty Cat, I think it is time that I inform you that until all of the children are grown, out of high school and off to college or to live the rest of their lives that both you and I will have to suck it up for three months out of the year for this horrendous time period called Summer Vacation. Unfortunately for you and me the boys’ school is not year round – With this being said, welcome to Day 3 of summer vacation 2010.

Trust me when I say that the extra hours of whining and crying and yelling and playing are no comfort to my ears either. My excuse, at least, is that I’m working a full time job and actually having to concentrate is a bit troublesome when my focus is ripped in half by a wail of “I’m telling!” or “I Don't want to play with you!” I’m still, however, trying to fully understand what your excuse is.

You do nothing productive around this house on a daily basis. I’m aware that your nap times have been interrupted. And in Cat Land I have come to understand that not only is this a crime, but pure cruelty and unacceptable behavior. Perhaps you should try to do something with yourself to get through the day. I’ve heard fly catching is a wonderful sport and snack. I know you may not want to hear this but Fat Cat highly enjoys fly catching, and we definitely do not have a shortage of flies.

I also have a problem with your irritation with me. I’m sorry I did not consult you about the packaged deal when I first started dating FH. If it helps, I myself was not fully informed of what life would be handing me. However, I’ve managed to survive about a year and 9 months of it. If I can survive it then surely you can survive it too. Besides, I think you enjoy having some of the extra hands to pet you. I can also say I truly believe you enjoy having a bunk bed and a lofted bed in the home. [Please note Photo A]

I’m also aware that perhaps the fact that my stomach is growing bigger each week may not leave you the desired amount of space on my lap, and that you’re no longer allowed to knead and lay on my stomach. To this I say “Get over it.” My growing stomach is the least of your troubles. In a couple of months we’ll have a crying baby on our hands. This will be the next big challenge you and I will face together for the first time.

In closing – I will hand you the same advice I lent you last year. Suck it up and enjoy the time as it is before our little blossom of a baby arrives. You may even enjoy the boys more when the time comes.

Kind Regards,
Crys, House Co-Director

Photo A - I personally have snapped a photo of you enjoying Older Boys lofted bed where you can sleep in a high up place and not be disturbed because no one knows you're there unless we climb the ladder to look for you.

I’d Had Enough

2010-06-14T09:59:00.000-07:00

This is a follow up to this post in which I was frustrated with Jane not giving us an answer as to which days she would be taking the boys for their summer weeks with her. Jane was supposed to call FH as soon as she had gotten her schedule last Sunday. I told FH that I would bake a cake if she actually did. Needless to say there was no cake baking last week.

Around Thursday and Friday I had enough … specifically because the following week (this week) was one of the weeks that Jane had said she would possibly be taking them. I nagged (and oh how I nagged) FH to call her at least once a day until she either picked up the phone or called back. My theory was that if she wasn’t going to call us then we were going to irritate the living heck out of her until she called back to make it stop.

FH finally got a hold of her Saturday morning. As usual I sat nearby to quietly listen to the conversation. I have excellent hearing and can usually hear the other person on the other line, even if I’m not the one on the phone. The initial jist of the conversation was that Jane just couldn’t get any extra days off soon. Her job already had to rearrange her schedule so that her and her guy weren’t working the same shifts and basically they weren’t inclined to give her any more special treatment considering everyone else at her work was putting in requests for days off too. Thus, the phone call ended with the agreement that the boys would be seeing her for their usual dinner on Thursday and no other summer dates were agreed upon.

Which led to this conversation:
Me: Does she have the dates I wrote down for her?
FH: Yes.
Me: Can she not find them or is it probably she’s just too lazy to go look for them?
FH: She’s probably just being lazy.

FH asked if he ought to call her mom, Jolie, about having the boys over for Jane’s time. My answer was “No, they’re her kids and this is her responsibility.”

Which is the point that I had had enough of the bull poop. I dug in my purse and pulled out the list of dates in which I left details of which boy was available on which days to go over and spend time at her home. I told FH that he needed to call her back with these dates and get an answer from her (with the silent point that he wasn’t getting off the phone with her until something was decided upon. And I’m sure he knows I would have nagged him to call her back again if the deal wasn’t sealed.)

I’m happy to say that the task was at least accomplished. Jane and FH decided on dates that she would take the boys in August, with the plans that Jane would put in requests with work to get them off since they were far away enough that she just might get them off. Although it’s not the full two weeks, I will be happy that’s she’s taking Younger Boy for a weekend and Middle and Older Boy for a week. That’s better than nothing, right?

Now we’ll just have to wait and see if it actually happens, or if she pulls what she did last year and cancel and not attempt to reschedule.

My Towel is Up High

2010-06-09T12:18:00.000-07:00

Do you remember Younger Boy’s Toilet Bowl Water Games from last month? Well, I have an addition. It seems to me that the majority of my grand adventures with Younger Boy thus far have revolved around the toilet.

Today I was walking from the kitchen to the work desk when I noticed Younger Boy crouched down in front of the toilet … wiping the toilet bowl down with the very same towel I informed him last time was used only for wiping your hands after you wash them.

*smacks head on wall*

As soon as he saw me looking at him in horror he popped up fast and went to go replace the now (or for all I know already) soiled towel back on the towel rack.

*smacks head on wall again*

I have no idea what he was wiping. Considering it was the front of the toilet I can only imagine he was trying to clean up the sprinkles of urine boys oh so often leave on the sides of the toilet bowl.

I managed to stop him before he replaced it. I informed him again that the towel that hangs there is only for wet hands. I have since Lysol wiped down the towel rack, the toilet bowl and everything little dirty hands can touch in the bathroom.

I’ve also made sure to replace a towel that hangs up high on the back of the door for myself (and FH if he so pleases) to use. The problem with this is that sometimes that towel somehow ends up on the towel rack next to the other towels and I have to remind myself to replace it.

I remind myself that my potty training days are not over just yet.

Baby Update: I’m 24 weeks today. Things are still going really well with my pregnancy. I’ve been making sure to do some Wii Fit Plus and Just Dance so that I can get some form of exercise in there. I’ve also started to feel the baby kick more often. It’s the strangest feeling I’ve ever felt. It reminds me of the scene in Aliens when the alien pops out of the stomach. I’m waiting for the baby’s kicks to become hard enough that others can feel them. Because with that said, I’m secretly waiting for the day that Nasty Cat is sitting on my lap, curled up next to my stomach, and for the baby to say hi with a little nudge. I’ve been amused with Nasty Cat’s reactions to me being pregnant. He’s not happy that my lap space is growing smaller and he has to wait for me to lie down to get any room. He’s also given me some strange and concerned looks when I’m reading out loud from one of my kid books and it’s just me and Nasty Cat in the room. Just wait until she’s born Nasty Cat. He he.

Video Game Junkies

2010-06-06T22:59:00.000-07:00

I mentioned a while ago that before I came into their lives all four of my boys (including FH) were ruled by video games. There were Nintendo DSs, a Wii, a Playstation 2, a regular old school Nintendo … I’m pretty sure that’s it.

I’ve worked pretty hard to try and encourage more playtime, outside playtime, creative playtime, reading and anything that doesn’t involve the TV or video games. It makes me sad sometimes, and a bit astounded, how easily a TV turned on can suck the boys in. I’ve noticed it’s mainly Older Boy and Middle Boy though. Younger Boy isn’t as easily pulled into a turned on TV as his older brothers are. I like to think that my influence has something to do with it.

It won’t even be anything intriguing. It could be a commercial or one of Younger Boy’s little kid shows. If the TV is on I can guarantee that Older Boy or Middle Boy will stop whatever it is their doing and will be staring at it, mouth slightly open, and all thoughts of whatever it was they were supposed to be doing are gone.

Back on topic, I’m fully aware that when the boys go over to Jane’s all they do is watch TV and play video games until all hours of the night. That’s why every time we pick them up they're exhausted and falling asleep. Any overnight adventure at Jane’s will surely result in a long nap the next day. It’s irritating, but what can you do?

FH told me that he had a conversation today with Older Boy.

The jist of it was that FH told Older Boy that he doesn’t mind that he plays video games over there since he doesn’t get a lot of time to play over here. (My sidethought is that I don’t mind the fact that they want to play video games. It’s just I wish they’d learn some self control when it comes to playing them.) Anyway, Older Boy told FH that he’s getting bored playing them because he’s played them so much. It’s a step forward, right? At least until Jane brings home a new video game for them?

Maybe next time they go over I’ll suggest to Older Boy to maybe bring a book and his drawing pad. In case he wants to read or draw.

I Have No Sympathy For Her

2010-06-01T12:24:00.000-07:00

So I couldn’t find the post about how after the bullshit that Jane pulled this past Christmas we drafted up a Holiday Schedule (since one hadn’t been established at the time of their divorce.) But if some of you remember we did. And in that both FH and Jane signed off that the boys would spend two weeks with Jane during the summer at some point.

Being the organized person I am I looked through the boys’ summer schedule and made a list of weeks that would work for them. Due to the various summer camps there is only one week that all three of them are available. However, due to the fact that Jane and her man only have one car that fits 5 people and that they’re already taking up 3 of those chairs it would be easier to send 2 of the boys over anyway.

Some of you may remember how last summer Jane left Younger Boy out and only wanted the two older boys over. Well, in my planning I made sure to detail which of the boys were available and when to try and prevent that from happening again.

FH brought the list over and Jane mentioned that two of the weeks seemed appealing to her. One week she would have Younger Boy and Older Boy near the beginning of summer and then one week she would have Middle Boy at the end of summer. This was apparently all pending on her man’s possible new work schedule.

FH reported to me that Jane hadn’t quite answered our question of what weeks she would be taking the boys because her man would be going back to school (Good for him I guess) and would be working Wednesday through Sunday. Which would leave Monday and Tuesday open (if she has the days off from work.)

A bit flustered I asked FH what that meant and he replied that he didn’t know because Jane was playing the “Poor me I have to pay bills and stuff now” card. Except, I didn’t care about her new responsibilities that as an adult and a mother she ought to be partaking in anyway and I wanted to know what days she’ll be taking the boys for their summer days with her.

One thing that still irks me the most is feeling that I can’t make any plans for myself or my family because she’s not responsible enough to ask for time off to spend with her children. If I thought it would help matters I’d ask her myself so that she couldn’t give any of her “beat around the bush” reasons that FH tends to just take from her. But I know better thus I will allow FH to be the one to get the information.

And because I don’t care anymore I’m pretty set on just blocking out those two weeks she said appealed most to her and planning around them. That way if she at least takes them for the Sunday evening through Tuesday evening they’ll already be blocked out.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all about the boys spending time with their mother. In fact, if it hadn’t been for my pushing she probably wouldn’t be seeing them the once a week for 2 hours as long as she doesn’t cancel as it is. But with a baby on the way, a new part-time business, my own family to look out for and care for, and summer plans to be made I have no sympathy for the woman who doesn’t put effort into trying to see her kids unless we literally call her up and tell her she needs to take them for “this weekend” or “that weekend.” We gave her multiple weeks through out the summer. She’ll just have to pick which ones she wants us to block off and we’ll go from there.

Besides, the boys themselves have a list of all kinds of things they too would like to do this summer. Including spending time with friends and visiting with other relatives. It's not like I can tell them "Oh sorry honey, you can't make any plans until your mother figures it out."

New Candle Lady In Town

2010-05-25T18:18:00.001-07:00

Some of you may remember that one of our biggest issues in being a family of five is financially related. Jane doesn’t pay us anything when it comes to the care of the children. She’s not required to based off of their divorce papers.

This is one of the frustrating things for me. I am THE caretaker and provider of the children (in addition to FH of course) yet I just don’t have those legal rights. I’ve learned not to dwell on it because it only further pisses me off when she pulls one of her demand tantrums. Luckily they’re rare and few in a year.

Last year FH tried to pick up a second job, but the hours and the pay just weren’t worth it. And I was going absolutely stir crazy being home with the boys all day during the weekend. In January and February I tried looking for a part-time serving job. I waitressed myself through college and made some pretty decent money. However, when I discovered I was pregnant I knew that waitressing was not in my future.

Enter Partylite Candles. I had hosted a party last year and I had kept in touch with the consultant. My sister in law ended up hosting a party last month and that was when I decided that I ought to try being a candle lady. That and I didn’t have to put any money down on the table to start off so that was a big plus in my book.

So for the last two weeks I’ve been working furiously to get parties scheduled, my personal website up, and take care of my family. All the while making sure I’m taking care of me and our little lady in waiting.

I’m really excited, mainly because I’m hoping this will give me a chance to get out of the house more often. Ever since I started working full time from home I’ve become a sort of hermit. I love work, and when work is in my house I just don’t leave it as often. And I’m hoping that we’ll be able to use the extra income to save up to put a down payment on a house. Because this little two bedroom apartment just isn’t going to hold all six of us for too much longer once the baby is born.

So wish me luck! If you would like to check out the website feel free to contact me (there is an e-mail link on my profile). And now that I’m more settled in I hope to be on more often. 2010 has definitely been a hectic year so far, but I have faith that I’ll get a better grip on it all eventually.

Toilet Bowl Water Games

2010-05-07T10:38:00.000-07:00

I don’t know what caused it or influenced it or even brought forth the idea of it. Yesterday afternoon I walked into the kitchen to refill my water bottle when I glanced into the bathroom. And there in front of the toilet bowl stood Younger Boy. His pants partially pulled up, Thomas underwear sticking out, his right arm furiously swirling around inside the toilet bowl water.

Yet this wasn’t what horrified and disgusted me. I interrupted his water play with an “Excuse me?!? What are you doing?!?” He immediately withdrew his hand from the water in the toilet bowl, walked over to the towel that we all use to dry our hands after we wash them, and dried his hands.

That made me a bit sick to my stomach as I considered that maybe this wasn’t the first time the child has stuck his hands in the filthy toilet bowl water and dried them on the same towel the rest of us use. I then chose to believe that this was indeed the first offense.

Younger Boy was then instructed to wash his hands, with soap, a lot of soap. Twice.

I grabbed a paper towel and moved the toilet bowl watered towel to the dirty clothes basket and replaced it with another towel. I have since added an extra towel on the back of the door for my own personal sanity and health.

I then sent Younger Boy off for his nap and grabbed the Lysol can and sprayed anything and everything that one might touch with toilet bowl watered hands.

At dinner last night Younger Boy and I had a conversation.

Me: Younger Boy, should we put our hands in the toilet?
YB: No.
Me: What do we use a toilet for?
YB: To go pee.
Me: And?
YB: And to go poop.
Me: Do we play in the toilet?
YB: No.
Me: Do we put our hands in the toilet?
YB: No.

I’m going to hope that this was the first and last time Younger Boy will participate in the Toilet Bowl Water Games.

Kind of Irked Me

2010-05-03T14:24:00.000-07:00

I’m aware that when people say things to me they’re sometimes trying to be encouraging or positive. However, sometimes when people say things to me it really just irks me. I’ve learned to try and view it with a “Don’t take it personal” attitude. It’s not even that I’m all that sensitive, especially as I’m probably the one who generally is offending to others who are used to my blunt and honest disposition on things.

Ever since we found out that I was pregnant there have been little things said to me in terms of “Now you finally get to be a mother.”

Now, I’m aware that I’ve yet to experience childbirth or a baby of my own. I’m fully aware that there is something missing between myself and the boys since I am not their birth mother. However, since moving in I promise I have not totally been denied the experience of being a mother.

It’s mainly my mother-in-law and some other family members who have said such things. It always catches me off guard and I have to really bite my tongue with the response I want to sling out.

For example, a month or two ago my mother-in-law told me that I’ll finally get to celebrate my first real Mother’s Day. It really irked me. I’m aware she meant it as a mother who has given birth to a child of my own. However, I’ve celebrated a real Mother’s Day. I got the homemade card that was made at school and I swallowed the tears and joy that came with it. I’ve had the opportunity of being able to help see a child excel and grow both physically and intellectually. It’s amazing…that joy and pride you feel when you see a child growing and you know you had something to do with that.

It’s just become kind of obvious to me that now that I’m pregnant with a child that some people have this view that now I’m a real mother. Thank goodness for people like my own mother and sister who realize that I was already a mother before I got pregnant. Not that I need anyone else to validate my worth as a stepmother to the boys, but it’s nice to be recognized. It’s also nice to have family members that treat your new family as if they’ve always been there and not like a stranger still feeling their ways around the formalities.

As I mentioned, I’ve taken to the attitude to not take it personally and to just go with the flow. But I guess it’s just one of those things that stepmoms get to deal with.

It kind of goes with the frustration of wanting to scream out “You try diving in to an already made family, learning to spend all of your paycheck, time and effort on three kids that aren’t yours and you tell me how sane and appreciated you feel!” Maybe I can put that on a giant wine goblet for those rough days.

Baby Update: Going on 19 weeks on Wednesday. Everything in the ultrasound looked good. Good heart beat, all four heart chambers developed, all the good stuff. Now that we know it’s a girl we’re all really excited. My aunt had already started buying girl stuff before we found out so we informed her that she could be at ease that she was right.

Sugar and Spice

2010-04-29T16:51:00.000-07:00

And Everything Nice.

It's a GIRL!!!!

The Three Faces of Younger Boy

2010-04-22T15:28:00.000-07:00

Younger Boy is now 4 years old. For most of you who have followed me from the beginning you know that Younger Boy and I have come a long way together from being the ripe age of 2-years-old-in-diapers to the 4-year-old-potty-trained-letter-loving kid he is now. One thing that I’ve always found frustrating is his behavior when he’s with me, or FH and the boys, or when he’s coming home from being with Jane. It drives me absolutely batty.

Face One – Me and Him

When it’s just me and him he’s this active, happy, calm, fun-loving kiddo. He listens, he has amazing manners, and he’s adventurous and enjoys trying something new – or at least is willing to try something new.

Face Two – When Dad and the Brothers Come Home

He kind of turns into a big mean butt-head. He finds the need to defend himself against Middle Boy, whether or not Middle Boy is antagonizing him. He starts doing things he known he’s not supposed to do (probably because Older Boy seems to think that if he’s doing something with Younger Boy it will be OK even though it never seems to be.) He gets cranky and rude more often. He may or may not be willing to try something new.

Face Three – Coming Home from being with Jane and Jolie

He’s a baby. He can’t do anything himself. He has no manners whatsoever. He doesn’t want to do anything. He gets whiney and starts sniffling and crying at everything.

I bring this up because I really really hoped that as he got closer to being 5-years-old and wanting to start Kindergarten he would perhaps leave some of this negative behavior behind. However, I’m now seeing the light of day. As long as Jane and Jolie baby him and treat him like a baby instead of a big boy he’s going to revert back to the behaviors of his 2-year-old days.

I guess this is me hoping that eventually as he gets even older he’ll at least start to realize that bringing that behavior back home with him isn’t going to fly. Middle Boy learned that last year. He was in the middle of saying something rather not OK and he looked at the look on my face (the raised eyebrow) and realized who he was talking to. This was followed by the “Oh shit that’s not going to work on Crys” look on his face and from then on he left that version of himself at Jane’s. One can always hope, right? All I know is that consistency in my behavior works. So I’m not giving up all hope.

Baby Update: Today I’m at 17 weeks. My mom took me out shopping for some maternity clothes because my clothes just weren’t fitting anymore. The problem is that we bought some of them a size bigger than I needed in anticipation of how big I will grow. But, it’s nice to at least be able to fit inside of a pair of pants, even if I’m tugging on them now and then compared to not being able to squeeze into them.

Accomplishing the Kindergarten Checklist

2010-04-19T11:25:00.000-07:00

I picked up the Kindergarten Registration packet for Younger Boy and in it was a page that has a list of things that “They would like him or her to know” before your child enters school in the fall.

Younger Boy can do quite a bit of them already. He knows his colors, he knows common shapes, he knows common fruits and vegetables, he knows common animal names and he’s pretty good at knowing his different body parts. Although he’s having some trouble remembering his shoulder but that’s not a high concern on my list.

They also would like him to be able to count up to 10 objects. So I plopped down a handful of mini marshmallows in front of him. He got up to 19 because that’s all that was there. I didn’t want to give him too many because the rule is if you touch it you eat it.

Some of the things on there that I thought was a little silly was the ability to cut on a line, color inside the lines and string beads or macaroni. I figure he’ll strengthen on these on his own as he gets into his Kindergarten groove. Besides, I know people my age who have trouble coloring inside the lines. I’m not going to expect a 4-year-old to have mastered that feat just yet.

The one big thing I have been working with him on is writing. He, of course, wants to hold the pencil/pen wrong. So we’ve been trying to work daily on writing the letters and how to hold the pencil. I bought a wipe-off work book for Middle Boy when he was learning to write his letters so I’ve been using that with Younger Boy. He’s gotten pretty good at it.

I’ve also been working with him on how to spell his name. We started off using the letter magnets on the refrigerator. And this past Friday was my mom’s birthday so I thought it would be a good idea to have him practice writing his name by signing the card himself. I copied his name down on a piece of paper and had him copy the letters. He sat there and struggled a little bit. But he managed to get the letters onto the card. They were somewhat legible, different sizes, and his s was backwards. But you could read it and know whose name it was.

Yesterday I had FH sit down to work on some of these Kindergarten feats with him. He had a pencil in hand and a big piece of paper. I asked Younger Boy to practice writing his name. I also asked FH to go grab the piece of paper so he could copy it down for him. Well, low and behold, by the time FH walked over from the desk to the table Younger Boy had printed out his name if very legible letters.

FH and I looked at each other quite astonished, and proud. Younger Boy looked at me and smiled. I could swear his had a “You silly fool. Of course I can write my name” look on his face.

Baby Update: I'll be going on 17 weeks on Wednesday. We heard the heartbeat again and it's still going strong. I'm waiting for the next ultrasound on April 29th. It's the big one where I have to drink 5 1/2 glasses of water an hour and a half before so they can look for birth defects and what not. We're hoping the baby will let us know what he or she is. Please think *Girl* for me because I sure could use another female in this house of boys. Especially considering even the cat is a male.

I’m Here! I’m Here!

2010-04-06T22:02:00.000-07:00

I realized today that it has been weeks since I’ve updated. I finally have a break so here I am with a rambling update.

Can I tell you that having a very sick FH in bed while I tend to the house chores that he usually does, taking care of the boys and trying to grow a baby are all very exhausting when done at the same time. I think last week has by far been the longest week ever.

It all started last Saturday when Older Boy had his first ever slumber party to celebrate his 10th birthday. I learned that I have no idea what 10-year-old boys enjoy doing to entertain themselves. Apparently video games, board games and movies did just fine though.

I also learned that apparently it’s at 10 years of age that the infamous and indifferent “I Don’t Care” and “I Don’t Know” start to show their ugly heads. I noticed Older Boy started with the “I Don’t Care” probably about two weeks or so ago. I had to think back to when “I Don’t Care” reared it’s ugly head when I was younger. It was about this age.

And my thoughts were confirmed by all three of the 4th grade boys that came to our house.

The smart thing we did was send Middle Boy and Younger Boy to my parents’ house. The dumb thing we did was actually expect the fourth graders to keep somewhat quiet when it got too late. I was awoken around 1am by high pitched giggling. Luckily FH got to be the parent that got up and told them to go to bed. Thank goodness because I was exhausted and cranky and likely to snap.

Then FH got a nasty, painful, energy zapping sinus infection. Luckily we got him some antibiotics; unluckily it was almost a week later (this last Saturday) so we both got drained – He from his illness and I from trying to do everything while pregnant.

I am currently being rewarded though. FH and the boys are off camping this week. That means that Nasty Cat and I have the house to ourselves. The quiet is nice and I’ve been able to sleep and relax. Although I do miss them, it’s really nice to get some time to myself to recharge and catch up.

Baby Update: As of Wednesday, April 7th I’ll be 15 weeks in my pregnancy. The all-day-morning sickness has been traded in for nasty headaches. I guess I’d rather get a nasty headache once in a while though compared to feeling sick to my stomach every day all day. I'm still waiting for the moment that I just might enjoy being pregnant like so many of my friends. However, I'm not ashamed to say that I'm maybe a part of that other group that does not enjoy it. Because I honestly am not enjoying it. But, I'm excited and happy as the weeks go on.

Trying To Relax

2010-03-23T09:04:00.000-07:00

It’s no lie that I lead a high-stress life. At work I handle customer service with pet owners and multiple projects daily. At home I have my instant family. And now in life my body is 100% of the time working to create a baby and I have to make sure to eat the right things, get enough sleep and not over do it. Needless to say I am also a Type A personality. (I should probably add a + or 2 after that “A” there.)

So my mother comes over this weekend and she and FH get into how stress can reflect on the baby’s personality and temperament. Great! Let’s add some more things to stress me out. So I’ve been working on a few ways to not stress or to at least calm myself more. Which isn’t easy.

Luckily Jane has been on best behavior as of late. By that I mean she has actually kept her dinner dates with the boys the last month or so and is actually sticking to the holiday agreement that she gets the boys for the weekend this Easter. (I’m secretly hoping this means we can start sending them over there for the weekends again.)

However, Middle Boy and Younger Boy have not been on best behavior. In order to deal with this I’ve been trying to let FH go in there and lay down the law of the land. However, apparently I’m the big boss in the house so I only try to intervene when it gets crazy hair pulling out of control. (That’s a great blog I’ll save for later too.) But I’m hoping that they’ll start to show a bit more respect for FH when he’s being the authorative parent. Personally I think he just needs to just be more consistent in stepping in.

Back to me, I’ve found that the Winnie-The-Pooh movie, classical music, baby lullabies, ice cream and chocolate pudding cups are my best means of relaxing – And of course catching any moment of quiet that I can.

I’m curious to see what types of things you’ve found to help yourself relax from the crazy stepmomma or momma life. I know it’s only going to get more crazy once the baby is born but I figure now is a good time as any to start practicing ways to relax and recharge.

BTW – I’ll be 13 weeks on Wednesday. Yay for the recent decrease in morning sickness as the second trimester creeps into the picture!

Eleven Weeks

2010-03-10T13:21:00.000-08:00

Eleven Weeks – that is how far along I am in my pregnancy.

I’m still trying to grasp it although seeing the ultrasound made it more real for me. I’m a mix of emotions. I’m excited, and terrified, and flat out amazed. I’m also hating on the first trimester. Morning sickness blows, and if I don’t eat something small every 30-40 minutes I feel nauseous.

I’m also exhausted. As excited as I am, I really was looking forward to some downtime between the wedding and getting to be a wife. It still seems weird calling FH my husband in casual conversation. It sounds almost unbelievable telling everyone that I’m pregnant. It was quite a surprise that not even a week after the wedding I’m peeing on a stick that is telling me I’m pregnant. Not just pregnant, but six or so weeks pregnant.

But that is life, and we’re going to open our next chapter with open arms.

If anything the boys are very, very excited. I’m not sure how involved they got to be in Jane’s last pregnancy. But we’ve been having them take part in helping me out now. I’m glad that they’re as excited as they are. It’s helping me adjust to it all much easier.

Older Boy has taken on the duty of litter box patrol. It’s been great because he hasn’t complained about it and he does it every night as if he’s been doing it for years.

Younger Boy and Middle Boy actually got to be there for the first ultra sound. We made sure there was a heart beat before we brought them and FH in, but they were really excited and fascinated by the experience. We’re hoping that Older Boy will be able to accompany us one of these times once summer comes.

So here he or she is!

It Rhymes!

2010-03-04T21:25:00.000-08:00

Younger Boy has really been excelling in the spelling words area. He has learned about compound words; although I can’t say that he understand the exact word “Compound Word.” But he’s learned that he can put little words together to make bigger words. He’s mastered such words as “cupcake,” “subway,” and “cat food.”

In addition to these bigger words he has also been learning about words that rhyme. Many times throughout the day I hear excitement in:

“Crys! Bed, Shed! They rhyme!”

“Mouse, House! They rhyme!”

And various other rhyming word combinations. He’s also starting to learn new words from rhyming words. For example we were in the car one day trying to think of all the different words that rhyme with bug. He started switching the “b” out with other letters.

From switching out single letters, he started switching in letter combinations like “ch,” sh,” “st,” etc. He learned that chug rhymes with bug, but that stug isn’t really a word –

Even though it rhymed. Which brings us to tonight’s experience.

There we were. In the middle of a restaurant. He was happily eating his ice cream. He had spelled the word “hat” for us multiple times. Hat by the way is his most favorite word ever. When out of no where he announces out loud:

“I can spell shat! S-H-A-T!”

FH and I looked at each other.

“He didn’t learn that from me.” I mumbled as my face dove into my hands to try and contain the laughter that wanted to bust out. FH just shook his head as he mumbled “We’ll, it is past tense.” Can I just say that we were both dying from holding in the laughter.

I think I shall wait to see if he spells it again in which I’ll let him know that “shat” isn’t really a word. And instead we should try the word “shut” or even better we can stray away from substituting that vowel and make the word “shout.”

You have to love the things that come out of those little, rapidly growing brains.

Grasping “Manners”

2010-02-22T11:21:00.000-08:00

We babysat our nephew and niece this past Saturday and on the way back to their house we heard the funniest conversation between our nephew and Middle Boy.

For some background info:

Middle Boy is two months older than Nephew J.
Middle Boy and Nephew J are very competitive with each other. They’re always trying to get the one up on the other.
Nephew J is a really sweet kid but definitely doesn’t have the structure that Middle Boy has been introduced to.

Back to inside the car. Nephew J and Middle Boy are in the back seat talking about things they do at home.

NJ: I can play my video games whenever I want. Can you?

MB: We don’t get to play video games every day.

NJ: I never ask my mom or dad if I can play video games. I play them whenever I want.

MB: You must have bad manners!

I had to keep my chuckling under wraps, luckily I was in the front seat of the mini van and there was a row of seats in-between us. I was both amused and proud of Middle Boy. At least he’s starting to get a grasp on the whole “manners” thing.

We Got Married!

2010-02-17T10:40:00.000-08:00

We endured much wedding preparation chaos but we overcame all. It even came down to the chaos of needing an extra $400 five hours before it was due, however with the help of my parents and getting FH’s taxes filed early we pulled it all off.

Our wedding day was a really joyous and amazing day! We made sure to include the boys were we could in the ceremony and the smiles on their faces and their excitement really paid off for it.

I wanted to share my wedding vows with you. I don’t normally cry and I didn’t think I would. In fact for the whole first part of my vows I was doing pretty well. Then I got to the part where I made promises to the boys and I looked over at them as I said their names. As soon as I said Older Boy’s name he got the biggest smile on his face and his eyes widened and he just glowed. And that did it. Tears swelled in my eyes and my heart just about stopped beating in happiness. I somehow choked out the rest of my vows but I did it.

Of all the boys I think I was worried most about being accepted by Older Boy since he’s the oldest of course. Although he’s the one who has been asking for months and months now when we’d be getting married he’s been saying little things that have made me feel welcomed both as a family member and a parent to him. For one he named me as his parent in an essay he wrote while on the other hand he named Jane’s guy as his stepdad. I’ve very much accepted that he has accepted me as a parental figure in his life. He also vocally gives me much credit for many things and that has made me feel even more welcomed.

Anyway, here are my wedding vows:

FH, I promise to love you, to hold you and to honor you, in good times and in bad, to enjoy you, to communicate with you always, and to console you when you need consoling. I will give thanks for you each and every day, and cherish you with all of my heart. And I promise to be a patient, loving mother to Older Boy, Middle Boy, and Younger Boy; caring for them and providing for them as my own. I promise to be their strength and their emotional support, loving them with all my heart forever.

We also did a family sand ceremony. I ended up going to a craft store and buying small vases, sea salt and coloring. I also got a glass etching kit and put the first letter of our first name on each of our vases. We also let the boys pick out the color they'd like. It came out really nice and all of the boys were really excited to be able to have a role in the wedding.

Here is a photo of the sand ceremony set up before the ceremony.

Here is a photo of afterward. And as an added bonus there’s my hand-made bouquet and our yummy cake.

I’m hoping now that things have been settling back down I’ll be able to post more frequently again.

Little Minds Are Amazing

2010-01-28T09:35:00.000-08:00

I may have missed out on all the of baby related things of having a child but I am so thankful to be here now. I’ve seen Older Boy develop a love for books, I’ve seen Middle Boy learn how to read and spell and tie his shoes, and as you may recall I’ve been working with Younger Boy on learning letters and spelling.

He amazed me again yesterday. I finally got him that second set of magnetic letters for the refrigerator. Yesterday he was at it spelling words left and right. And then he asked me “Does this spell Caterpillar?”

I walked over and this is what I saw: KATRPLLER

Not only was I amazed that he had attempted such a long word by himself, but he actually had used the phonetic sounds to try and spell it. I was so proud.

I told him the letters of how to really spell it and even showed him the “cat” in “caterpillar” since he already knew how to spell cat.

These little minds simply are amazing to me. I’m very excited to see what else he has picked up.

I’m Sick Again

2010-01-25T23:06:00.001-08:00

Well I’ve been sick, and sick and sicker. The wedding is less than two weeks away and I’m here with some swollen sinuses and hacking junk out of my lungs. I’d like to thank Middle Boy for personally bringing this into the house as he had it just before I got it. Apparently not being able to sleep, being stressed out and doing too much is just asking to get sick. So that’s where I’ve been. Sick and trying to take better care of myself…Except for right at this moment because I can’t sleep.

I only have one instance of Jane to report on. We found out that she just officially was granted her drivers license back after a year of not having it. This means that she has not only been driving around with a not-so-good-functioning brain but has also been driving the boys around with her not-so-good-functioning brain and no driver’s license. To say that FH and were horrified to realize this is putting it mildly. But we can’t do much about it now. So we’ve made a note of it in our binder for safe keeping and we’ve let it roll off our backs.

Other than that things have been well here, except for half of us being sick. I hope to be able to post regularly again once I’m feeling better and for sure after the wedding on February 6th.

I hope all is well with all of you and your families. Cross your fingers for me that I can get over this nastiness before the wedding!

My Spelling Fanatic

2010-01-12T09:11:00.000-08:00

I have created a spelling fanatic in our house. Do you remember the preschool program Word World that I recently discovered last month? Well not only is it now Younger Boy's show of choice to watch, but it always launches him into a spelling frenzy.

He’s learned a lot of words like “star” and “mat” and “bat” in addition to his favorite word ever “hat.” I can always tell when he’s really learned a word from the show because he ways “That’s a WordWorld word.”

Those magnetic letters have become one of his new favorite pastimes. We still, however, need to get another set of letters because it’s hard to spell some words when you only have one of each letter. Example, last night Older Boy and Younger Boy were at the fridge:

OB: How do you spell “daddy?”
YB: I don’t know. D-A-D.
OB: Almost. That’s “dad.” “Daddy” is D-A-D-D-Y.
YB: That’s three Ds! I only have one!

Another plus is he is also started to distinguish letters and sounds. A lot of times he will hear a word and say something like:

YB: “Bird” That starts with a B.

He also has taken up to asking how to spell words. The longer words though he sometimes re-asks if that’s how you spell it. I think all of the letters confuse him.

YB: How do you spell “balloon?”
Crys: B-A-L-L-O-O-N
YB: No it’s not! That’s not how you spell “balloon!”
Crys; Yes it is!
YB: That’s how you spell “balloon?” Well it has a lot of letters.

And lastly, for now, he’s starting to grasp beginning and ending letters. Although he does mix it up a bit, I’m rather impressed he is still able to connect the sound and letter.

YB: “Fun” starts with “N”
Crys: “Fun” ends with “N” … F-U-N
YB: Ohhh. And “hat” starts with “H.”
Crys: Yup.

I think it’s pretty obvious that I’m a proud momma.

Hello 2010

2010-01-11T03:10:00.000-08:00

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
- Anonymous

I’ve had a hard time trying to find something to write about lately. First I was sick, and then things just started piling up. And here I am at almost 3 in the AM – and awake.

Some of you may remember that instead of resolutions I more find a mantra to follow for the year. Well, 2010 is a huge year for me and I’m already feeling it. The truth of where I’ve been is stressed out and panicking. I’m supposed to be getting married next month and I don’t know how we’re going to pay for the wedding. It’s a little hard to get all of the finishing touches going when you know you don’t have the money.

I’ve been trying to qualify for a loan. However, apparently I just don’t make enough money. I don’t make enough money at my job for the credit union to feel comfortable enough to loan me money. Basically, between college and having to be an adult and do things for myself and now having to be an instant parent and provide for children I have debt. And between what I make and the payments I’m supposed to be making (even though they’re counting things I don’t pay) I just about break even and so on their paperwork I don’t have any extra money to pay them back.

We’ve been scrambling. I’ve been scrambling to find a second job that I can handle and not completely overwhelm myself with. FH has been trying to find extra money from his paychecks to give me so I can try to pay off my debt. So please send a good thought my way that I’ve managed to pay off enough to qualify for a loan.

I called the wedding venue place that is basically the whole she-bang. They handle the ceremony, the reception, the cake, the dj, the catering, the set up, the clean up. They’re a great package. And we’ve got a great discount. But with three kids we pay for full time, and trying to pay off our debt we just haven’t been able to save up enough. Anyway, I called them to find out my options. And I got lectured about how maybe we shouldn’t have tried to plan something that we couldn’t afford.

Well, a year ago we totally thought we could save up the money. We really did. And I didn’t want to go get hitched for cheap in Reno or Tahoe or Vegas. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it’s just I wanted a nice little intimate wedding. I figured that since I was trading in my hopes and dreams of this dream life I wasn’t getting I could at least get my small intimate wedding … right?

So here I am. Awake because I’m stressed and am trying so hard to be positive that this is all going to pull through last minute. And I’m frustrated because I’ve come to the realization that I’ve kind of lost my way. Back to the top – I’ve been trying to find a mantra for this year. What is 2010 going to be for me?

At first I thought it was going to be the Year of Tranquil Transitions. I thought just maybe if I thought about how I was going to spend the year calmly and patiently going through these crazy new transitions that it would maybe just happen; except these first few weeks have been anything but tranquil. And the reality keeps hitting me of the new transitions I’m about to go through. All of this – wife, instant mother, daughter-in-law, etc. is about to all become official.

It’s a bit frightening when you’re finally looking it in the face. So I think that 2010 is going to be the Year of Recreating Myself. I say “recreate” because every time I think I’ve “found” myself something happens and I find myself having to “find” myself all over again.

So here’s the breakdown:

2006 – The Year To Take Risks
2007 – The Year To Take Smart Risks
2008 – The Year To Be Optimistic and Think Positively
2009 – The Year Of Being A Positive Influence
2010 – The Year of Recreating Myself

And some of the few things bringing me peace are the thoughts that I’m not the only one who has found herself in this position. I can only assume that hundreds of instant parents have had to recreate themselves too. And that I will get past these hurdles. I know deep down that I’m much stronger than I give myself credit for.

Now I have to remember to believe in it over just saying it to myself.

Out Sick and A Scary Experience

2009-12-30T08:08:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone. I have been out sick all week. I assume it has something to do with the kids being sick, and the kids spending extra time over in the nasty house and bringing germs home. Being around tons of people for the holidays and getting worn out going all over the place for the holidays.

It’s definitely the flu. And it sucks. FH used a sick day yesterday to help take care of me. Today he had to go back to work, and I’m on the mend but not totally better. Keep your fingers crossed that the boys remember I’m sick and are nice to me today because all three of them are still here on winter break from school.

I have one new experience to share though from this week. It was terrifying.

On Sunday FH dropped off Older Boy and Younger Boy for Jane. Middle Boy was sick so he stayed home. FH also had Jane sign the latest visiting schedule which stated that he would be picking the boys up the next day, Monday, at 8pm at Jolie’s (her mom).

Well, Monday night came and FH left for Jolie’s. Around 8:40pm he called me because Jane wasn’t there. Jane wasn’t answering her cell phone and her boyfriend’s phone was turned off. Both Jolie and Jane’s aunt tried calling her also and both were unable to get through. I tried calling Jane’s sister and she hadn’t heard anything from her either.

Jolie offered FH to call him if Jane came by later or if she dropped them off in the morning. I’m not sure what either of you would have done but I was on the edge of freak out. I told FH that I would prefer that he drive to Jane’s house just to make sure.

In my mind I had three options going on:
1. She’d skipped town with the kids.
2. She hit her head and was lying unconscious on the ground of her home.
3. She had forgotten, and she wasn’t answering because she has this habit of losing her phone.

FH called me about a half hour later to report that the latter was correct. Jane had forgotten she was supposed to drop them off and had apparently left her phone in a location that she could not hear it ringing.

I don’t think I need to mention how pissed FH was. He was good though and didn’t freak out in front of the boys. But we did make a note of the incident in her binder where we keep all of the notes and signed calendars.

It was oh so very scary not knowing where the boys were. But I’m glad that it turned out OK in the end. Here’s to hoping we don’t have to experience that again, and that none of you have to experience it.

So I Wrinkled My Nose

2009-12-21T20:52:00.000-08:00

Remember the great lengths Jane went to with the lies and manipulation attempts to make sure the boys were with her for Christmas (all day) for her aunt who has leukemia but has currently been in remission for the past year?

Well, we asked her which days she would like the boys over their winter break. You know, since they’re not in school for two weeks. She didn’t want them any extra days outside of her once-a-week day with them.

So despite the fact that the boys are available for days of overnight visiting – they’re going to see her 7pm Sunday night until 8pm Monday night both weeks of their winter break … with the exception of Christmas Eve evening to the morning of that following Saturday.

I guess all day Christmas Day kind of evens it out. But I’m not going to lie. My irritation this time has some selfish fueling in wanting to have some quiet work days without three children doing the children things they do. Trust me when I say it’s much easier to do my job when there isn’t fighting and arguing and crying occurring. But, considering I survived summer vacation I guess I can make it through winter break especially since they’re both short work weeks.

When FH told me she didn’t want any extra days with them I could have gotten all angry and frustrated. But no, I merely wrinkled my nose in slight disgust. I touched upon how interesting it was that she was all hot heated because she wasn’t getting her 40% of the time and here she was not even trying to get them any of the extra days when there wasn’t someone else benefiting from the boys presence (her aunt for Christmas and her son for the birthday party) and dismissed it with a “Whatever. Her loss.”

That’s big progress on my end on keeping my anger and frustration under control ... in my opinion.

I hope you all have a fun and happy holiday season with your families!

Actions Cause Reactions

2009-12-17T12:20:00.000-08:00

My Editorial Directior had a post it on her desk that said “Actions Cause Reactions.” It had become my mantra almost two years ago when I had first noticed it. It helped when it came to dealing with a lot of difficult people both in and out of the workplace. It has continued to be my mantra into my new life as an instant mother in a new family.

I’ve decided to look at “this” in a whole new light.

First off – I’ve concluded that I got so heated because Jane lied and tried to manipulate. There’s nothing I dislike more than a liar and a manipulator. Generally I cut those types of people out of my life because I have no room for those types of people. However, considering I signed myself up to participate in the packaged deal – She’s the fine writing at the bottom. Damn – Right?

So that brings me to this other saying I’ve learned throughout life to embrace over the years.

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.”
– Maya Angelou

And I’ve come to realize that I can’t change Jane. But I can control how I see and perceive things. So my new perspective on this Christmas is that FH and I will be able to spend our first holiday together with each other.

I’m going to embrace the opportunity to spend a special day with the loving, wonderful man I have given my love and trust to. We will get to spend time with the boys later, and I’m OK with that. But in the mean time I will cherish and take advantage of the opportunity to sit back with FH and a cup of wine and enjoy some time together – Just the two of us (and the cat).

Younger Boy Gets the Last Word

2009-12-15T13:24:00.000-08:00

Ever since I’ve found myself spending about 24/7 with Younger Boy I find myself in the strangest arguments. And by the time I’ve realized I’m in the middle of a ridiculous squabble with a pre-schooler he has already put in the last word and won.

YB: What do birds say?
Crys: They say Squawk!
YB: No they don’t!
Crys: Yes they do!
YB: No they don’t! Penguins say Squawk. Birds say Tweet.
Crys: Well, birds can say Squawk too.
YB: Oh.
Crys: Yup
YB: Well, whales make music in the ocean. [Play that one in a Toddler voice Matter-of-fact tone]

I guess that was him having the last word on that because quite honestly, how do you follow up to that?

Let The Holiday Festivities Begin!

2009-12-14T10:11:00.000-08:00

This last weekend FH and I decided we should get into the swing of celebrating the holidays. Saturday FH took the two older boys out to pick out a Christmas tree. It’s cute and small and doesn’t overpower our apartment.

Last year we had to get a small tree to put up high on a table because Fat Cat is notorious for trying to climb Christmas trees. This year we got another small tree, but Nasty Cat is the only cat we have to keep an eye on since Fat Cat went back to live with my parents.

In following tradition with last year we brought home ornaments for the boys to decorate. At the moment all of the ornaments we have are the ones that we have made either here as a family or that the boys have made at school. Considering it’s a small tree our homemade ornaments fill it up quite nice. This year we brought home wooden stars for the boys to paint. Then we posted a photo of them from this year and put their name and the year on the back.

We also picked out a new patch for our stockings – Another tradition that we started last year. Since Jane had all of their stockings and my personal stocking is with my parents we thought it might be a nice idea to get new stockings for everyone and to put a patch each year. In my opinion they’re all really cute and I think the boys like being able to help decorate and choose what they would like on theirs. This year I added a sparkly martini glass patch to mine.

And we started one more new tradition. This year we decorated a gingerbread house. When I was little my sister and I would get to help decorate one with my dad and from what I remember it was a lot of fun. The boys hadn’t had the opportunity and both FH and I thought that they’d like to do one. I looked up a couple of recipes and finally decided that it wouldn’t hurt anyone to by a pre-made kit.

So last night the boys all took turns working together to put decorations on the house. It was really nice to see that the three of them were able to take turns and decide upon designs together. It was a refreshing moment from the usual bickering. FH even got in on the action by placing one gum drop on the roof, while I was the mistress of the icing.

Although as much fun as the boys had decorating I think their favorite part was when we were done and I let them lick up some of the frosting that I put on a plate.

Have any of you created any new traditions to do as a new family? I’m curious to see what other things blended families do together to create new holiday traditions.

And some holiday photos for your viewing enjoyment!

Middle Boy painting his ornament:

Our tree:

The finished gingerbread house:

And by popular demand! Stockings!

Last year's patches were the fish. This year he wanted the owl.

And mine! Last years were my purple flowers. This year the sparkly martini glass which FH found for me. I was going to get some ladybugs but FH found the perfect patch!

A Letter Short

2009-12-09T08:49:00.000-08:00

I thought I’d send you an update about the progress with Younger Boy and working on Preschool activities at home. We discovered a great kids TV show the other day. It’s called Word World. Basically everything in the world is made of letters – literally made of letters. The dog’s body is made out of the letters d-o-g. We came across it after watching Sesame Street. It was kind of creepy but looked really cute at the same time so I decided it was OK to watch.

I’m pretty glad we did. As soon as the show was done Younger Boy jumped up and ran over to our refrigerator where we have those plastic magnetic alphabet letters. The problem is that we only have one set, but it works great for spelling small words. Younger Boy wanted to spell some of the words we had seen in the show so we spelled “dog” and “web.” He would say the word we were going to spell. Then I would ask him to find each individual letter and we would put them together to form the word.

I’m still trying to figure out just how much he knows. He can sing his alphabet song, but I’m not sure how much of that is memorization and how much is actually knowing. So we went through the alphabet and I had him grab each letter. There were a couple of letters he said he didn’t know so I made a mental note of those. But he did recognize and was able to find a good majority of the letters. I was pretty proud.

And this conversation ended our word spelling activity for the day. Apparently I need a couple more vowel magnets. (My apologies for those that are friends on my facebook page, but it was too precious to pass up.)

*playing with the magnetic letters on the fridge. We only have one set of the alphabet*

YB: How do you spell cat?
Crys: C-A-T
YB: Oh! How do you spell fox?
Crys: F-O-X
YB: How do you spell HBO?
Crys: You spell HBO
YB: H-B-O
Crys: Good Job!
YB: How do you spell pee?
Crys: P?
YB: Yes. How do you spell pee? *does the 'I need to potty' crotch grab*
Crys: P-E .... well. You need another E. But we only have one.
YB. Oh. P-E-E?
Crys: Do you have to go potty?
YB: Yes.
Crys: Then go! You don't need my permission.
YB: ok.

Dousing the Anger - What I'm Thankful For

2009-12-03T00:34:00.000-08:00

There are so many words I could use for the way I felt tonight after Jane’s latest actions of demanding the children for Christmas day with lies, manipulation and rubbish. A few of them could be anger, fury, wrath, disgust, resentment, etc. It was at the point where I was really getting angry with everyone. I was also angry with FH because it seemed that he was willing to just give in to her demand and temper tantrum. I was angry with myself for letting myself get so angry in the first place. I have never known anger to be this raw and bitter and powerful before in my life. I didn’t know it was possible to feel all of this.

I sat here wanting to write to you all and ask if you ever had this moment where you just looked up and asked “What the heck am I doing in this mess?” or decided “Dammit! I’m done with this!” Anger does that I’ve discovered. It makes you not want to continue addressing your wedding invites because at the moment the bile in your stomach is threatening to rise at the thought of getting trapped in this situation for good.

So I decided I needed to figure out a way to douse the anger. I was looking for any way to let it go and to try and calm down. Writing it out, meditating, watching my favorite TV shows, and breathing exercises…Nothing seemed to put out the raging fire that had sprung up inside. I ended up talking to my best friend Summer and writing an e-mail to Allison (because she sent me one asking what was going on.) I calmed down, but I still could feel a flame just waiting for fuel to ignite and flare again.

So I decided that since I had calmed down this much what I needed to do was stop thinking about all the things that I was angry about. I had to stop fueling the anger inside because it was only continuing to poison my heart. So I decided that I need to focus on the positive things. And as hard as it is to not think about the things that have angered me – I need to just not do it. So I’d like to list the things I’m thankful for. If I can think about what my rays of sunshine are I hope to “get over it” for now at least.

I’m thankful for a supportive family and supportive friends.
I’m thankful for wine, Crown Royal, vanilla vodka and Kahlua.
I’m thankful for cheesecake.
I’m thankful for a nice hot cup of coffee.
I’m thankful for a job, as chaotic as it can be; it is a paying job with benefits.
I’m thankful for managers who are always looking out for me at work and helping to challenge me and teach me skills to advance in my career.
I’m thankful for the ability to know that I am angry and that I can either choose to stay angry or I can choose to do something else.
I’m thankful for the ability to choose to do something else.
I’m thankful for Nasty Cat. He smells like stinky cat. He bugs me trying to be my shadow. He puts his nasty paws on my face when he wants me to wake up. But he also knows when I just need a little furry kitty to snuggle up next to me.
I'm thankful to have the ability to choose whether or not I want to be in this situation.
I’m thankful to have stumbled upon this circle of other mothers, stepmothers, fathers, stepfathers.
I’m thankful that I’m not alone in the chaos of instant parenthood.
I’m thankful for the opportunity to be a positive influence in the boys’ lives.
I’m thankful for the opportunity to see their eyes light up when they discover something new.
I’m thankful for the opportunity to see them learn new things, to discover things about themselves and find their independence.
I’m thankful for the opportunity to give them good night hugs every night, and to wish them sweet dreams.
I’m thankful that no matter how the morning goes they still wave goodbye to me when I drop them off at school.
I’m thankful for the opportunity to feel this kind of love for these child, even though the children aren't biologically mine.
I’m thankful for the opportunity to choose to put their well being before my own wants and desires. It has by far been the most challenging thing but I’ve learned a lot about myself because I have done so.
I’m thankful for FH – even if he sometimes drives me up the wall with his man ways.
I’m thankful that our paths crossed again – even though it has drastically changed my life.
I’m thankful that even though he may not always respond to me and my emotional outbursts the way I wish he would he is supportive and thankful and appreciative of me.
I’m thankful to have a person that loves me unconditionally.
I’m thankful to have found a person that I can honestly say that I love unconditionally.

Tired of the Flu

2009-11-30T22:30:00.000-08:00

Well, the title of this entry should give you all a big clue of where I’ve been the past week. It all started on Sunday … last Sunday. The boys were staying over at Jane’s because her day with them was going to be Monday, and since they had the week off from school we thought it would be a good idea to let them stay the night.

Except at 1:03am (Monday morning) we got a phone call from Jane because Middle Boy was feverish, babbling incoherently and delusional. Now, not to discredit Jane, but Middle Boy sleepwalks. When he sleep walks he babbles incoherently and doesn’t know what’s going on. When he’s sick and not feeling well he does this often. But he did have a 103 degree fever so I can only assume he was really loopy. And let me just tell you how the conversation started out:

FH: Hello
Jane: How long has he been sick?

You know ... because we always send sick children over there.

She called again at 1:15am to tell us that she was bringing him to the emergency room. This meant that we had to get out of bed and meet her there. Now, I was not pleased ... especially since I had just driven a 7 hour drive from Southern California to Northern California. Not that I’m against being safe than sorry, but I didn’t see it as an emergency room trip that needed to happen. Having to drag my butt out of bed didn’t infuriate me as much as when they finally arrived and Middle Boy (who was the reason we were there) had on one sock and one bare foot.

So Jane and FH went with Middle Boy to see the doctor who apparently had a look on his face of “Oh boy, another one of these.” Meanwhile I, Jane’s guy, Older Boy, Younger Boy and Jane’s baby all had a camp out in the waiting room. I learned some interesting stuff about their life at home. And I was rather interested in the part where he told me that he was feeling sick and dizzy and not well. (You know, considering that she was blaming us for sending a sick kid over there.) I also held my tongue on many occasions when Jane’s guy said some stuff that sure as heck made it sound like Jane doesn’t see the boys because we moved across the bridge. Man I was proud that I held my tongue and didn’t shoot back with “Well you know if she actually put effort into trying to see them and didn’t cancel on them ever two to three weeks” coupled with “well these are the choices she made and we’re always willing to work with her schedule to fit in an extra day.” Let’s just say I was proud.

We didn’t leave until after 5am. The doctor sent us home with the instructions to give Middle Boy a lot of rest, fluids and children’s fever reducers. Luckily both FH and I were able to use a sick day for work because we were both exhausted and I really don’t think I would have been able to sleep and then wake up at 7am to work. And the boys came home with us. Some of you may remember “this” but Jane doesn’t enjoy having the boys with her if they’re sick. That apparently is our job as she so willingly sent them home with us. OK, I lied. What really infuriated me was that she didn’t say goodbye to them. They were all awake. Both I and FH asked her if she was going to/wanted to say goodbye. She ignored us as if she hadn’t heard us. I bid her a safe drive home. She replied she wasn’t driving and that was that. The fact of the situation though was that I didn't have time be angry. My energy was needed at home to take care of the boys, and my priority is them.

Long story short – that set the energy level for my week. I was exhausted all week long. And trying to make sure Middle Boy was being taking care of, making sure Older Boy and Younger Boy were healthy, doing all the other things I do around the house, and then eventually at the weeks end having to take care of a sick Older Boy and FH … I am still trying to catch up on the energy level.

So here’s hoping that my home is a flu-free home sooner than later, and that all of your homes are healthy and flu-free too.

Memo To Younger Boy – Boys Have a Penis & Girls Don’t

2009-11-16T12:18:00.000-08:00

Memo: To Younger Boy
Dept: Preschooler Unit
From: Crys
Subject: Boys Have a Penis & Girls Don’t

Younger Boy. First off I wanted to thank you for your help and assistance when your cousins Max and Tracie were over last Saturday. Specifically in the fact that you not only played nicely with Tracie who is a year younger than you, currently potty training, and learning to use her words instead of baby talk.

I thought it was very nice of you to play with her, to share your trains and your motorized hamsters with her. While I know that she often snatched (Footnote 1) the toys from you while you were trying to play with them, I am most impressed with your choice to use your words instead of screaming and crying and snatching it back. I am very proud of this progress in your behavior. It was also very helpful considering there were five children under my care that day (especially since your father was at work for most of it.)

And now I would like to get to the main point of this memo. I’ve come to realize that you might have some confusion about Tracie and going to the bathroom. On a quick side note I would like to thank you for your assistance in helping make sure that Tracie went potty on the toilet and not in her pants. I was very thankful to hear you say “I’m going to go potty too” or “Do you need to go potty? I need to go potty.” I think that your actions as a role model helped to prevent a couple of possible accidents that day.

On one occurrence I went to go peer around the corner just in case Tracie needed help. I noticed that you showed Tracie how to urinate while standing up. I’m pretty sure from the look of awe on her face that she was not only impressed with your ability to pee standing up, but also fascinated that you are able to pee standing up.

I think she actually considered giving it a try until I decided to step in and help her to sit down on the toilet. Now, I’m aware that you had a look of confusion on your face. You seemed to be most confuddled by this action. Let me explain.

Boys have a penis and girls don’t. Boys pee standing up and girls have to sit down to pee. However, yes, boys and girls both do have to sit down to poop.

I hope that this explanation is adequate enough for right now. I think that we can go into more detail when you get older. But I felt that it was necessary to at least give you the knowledge of these basic facts since you seemed confused by your experience in trying to help give Tracie potty training lessons.

Please direct any further questions to your father. Thank you.

Kind Regards,
Crys, House Co-Director

Footnotes
1: “Snatched” was the word of the day that day. I heard it from each of the five children that day. I’m also pretty convinced that Nasty Cat used the word “snatched” when all five children decided that his toys were the coolest toys to play with.

The Need to Purge and Release

2009-11-10T07:50:00.000-08:00

Thank you everyone for your encouragement and understanding. I think a lot of it was a ton of built up stress, and the fact pointed out that FH and I really need to try to get some time to ourselves to work on our relationship. If we don’t take care of us then there is a greater chance it just won’t work out. Right?

I very much needed to get the feelings out, and then sleep on it. I felt a bit better this morning, although I’m still stressed.

Another part of it is just stress from wedding planning. I never dreamed I’d be paying for my own wedding, at least I always figured I’d have some financial help. But in the current economy both our parents are strapped for cash as well. I also never counted on having to pay for three kids that weren’t mine. Considering FH and I are the only ones providing for them, that down right frustrates me when I’m no longer able to treat myself to my once a month splurge.

I finally allowed myself to order coffee from a coffee shop as my treat for the month because it had been about two months since I had done so.

Another stressor is that FH got a second job on the weekends, which leaves me and the boys home all weekend together. It’s not that I don’t like hanging out with just me and the boys, but it was a very long weekend without him there. Especially since on Saturday I wasn’t sure of when he’d be home and it was a very long waiting day. And then on Sunday the boys decided it would be the day to not listen, bother each other without mercy, and to totally act up to the point that I was pulling my hair out.

A big part of me wishes that I had been the one to pick up a second job just for the sanity of getting out of the house and conversing with others. But another part of me thinks a second job would not be mentally sound for me right now. I’ve always been the super do it all woman, but lately I’m just exhausted with all the current stress factors.

I also just don’t know who to turn to sometimes. It’s bad enough I’ve never had an easy time reaching out. But when it comes to feeling frustrated about the situation it’s not easy to talk to just anyone about it. I feel like if I don’t get it out then I’m going to bottle it up. And yet on the second hand I need to work on not getting so frustrated with it. Jane’s not going to change and this is most likely how life will continue to be.

BTW, thank you for the idea of swapping babysitting nights. I know I have other people out there who are always willing and have told me to let them know if we would like a night off. I think in the madness of wedding planning events the last two and half weeks and feeling pinched because we just don’t have any money to spare this week (it’s the week in the month where I pay all my big bills and FH doesn’t have any money left over either) I’m just feeling like I’ve dug myself into a big hole and I can’t figure out how to get out.

I find that even though I’ve been doing this for a year there are still a lot of things I’m having to adjust and adapt too when it comes to having children in your life. I assume this is something almost every parent feels as their child grows and becomes a different person. Throwing sass one day and hugs the next. I also assume that the fact that I’m raising someone else’s children with no previous experience of my own is another punch being thrown at me.

I’ve Felt Smothered

2009-11-10T00:07:00.000-08:00

I have felt so smothered these past couple of weeks. I have been so incredibly busy, so incredibly broke, and so incredibly on edge. I have not had any real time to relax, unwind and recharge. I’ve had a couple of opportunities that just didn’t do the job. My future hubby and I haven’t really had a chance to spend time together either. It is so frustrating.

Can we backup to one of the main reasons why I feel so suffocated and smothered and stuck? Jane has canceled left and right for one reason or another. She canceled the first week of October because she was sick. She canceled the second week of October because she didn’t time manage accordingly. She saw the boys the third week and even doubled up the fourth week. And yet, FH and I weren't able to have a date night alone any of these days due to errands and things we had to do. Then she skipped the first week of November because she didn’t get her shit together and let us know her days off until it was at the point that our schedule was busy and planned. And she was fine with that since she had seen them twice the week before. And now, she's canceled tonight's visit.

Seriously!?! I need a date night alone with FH. I need a night alone. I need a night out with the girls or myself or my friends that doesn’t involve feeling stuck here during gaming night. I don’t know what I need. I need a break from all of it before I completely freak out. I need a break from being an instant mom for just a couple of hours. Who am I kidding, I need a spa day where I can focus on and take care of me. I need a day to be number one again because throwing myself into instant motherhood cold turkey has been insane.

*breathes*

I’m anxiously awaiting Friday. Friday I’m heading out to that small little middle of an orchard in the middle of no where town I grew up in to hang out with my best friend from high school. I keep trying to ground myself with the chant of “This is the choice you made” but it really doesn’t help all that much … Especially when lately it’s been followed by a silent “What the hell was I thinking?”

There have been moments when I’ve found myself thinking “There is a reason you were single and without kids” and then I remind myself “You’re engaged and have instant kids. Deal with it.” Some of you might know that feeling. I think that’s the only thing helping at this moment. Knowing that I’m not the first and I’m not the last that is going to have to deal with this.

I’m not alone. And as crappy as the situation is, and as much as I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone, it helps to know that I’m not alone. So thank you to all of you for choosing to be in the situation too.

He Duped Me!

2009-11-05T23:23:00.000-08:00

I like to pretend that I can’t be fooled by the boys. I can almost always see right through their attempts to lie or manipulate the other brothers in situations. I always thought “I’ll be just like my mom and see through all the B.S.” Then I’m reminded of all the times that I duped my mom. There’s still stuff I’ve done that she doesn’t know about.

The best was a couple of year’s ago when my ex-highschool sweetheart’s stepmom (who loves me still) introduced her in a drunken swagger as “This is the mother of the girl that took my son’s virginity.” Oh yes, that was awesome.

Anyway, so I like to think that I can see through it.

And then there is the other night when I was tired, and cranky, and exhausted. And a whiny, tired, cranky Younger Boy came up to me holding out his toothbrush and tube of training toothpaste to me and says:

YB: Can you please put squeeze the toothpaste for me?
Me: Sure, OK, here you go.
YB: Thank you.

And as he walks away my future hubby says:

FH: So Younger Boy suddenly can’t do anything that he knows how to do?
Me: He doesn’t know how to squeeze out the toothpaste by himself.
FH: Oh yeah? He did it just fine by himself last night.
Me: Damn.

That little stinker duped me! You best bet he squeezed his own toothpaste out tonight when he tried it again. Ha!

Should I Keep Track of Communication?

2009-11-02T09:18:00.001-08:00

I think October was the month of stress, money-draining, busy frustrations. Obviously by my lack of updates I was not around much. I think October was the month of updates for my blog. And I have some stuff to post, but I’m going to wait until later this week to get them out. I have an agenda for this entry.

Actually it’s more of an opinion gathering from all of you.

As some of you know, and some of you are learning, I make the visiting schedules for Jane to see the boys. I do this because one wasn’t set in place when the divorce was going through court. I also do this because Jane doesn’t put much effort forth into seeing the boys, so unless we nag her to give us the dates she has off from work, hand her a calendar and say these days work for us do they work for you, and hope she doesn’t cancel … the boys don’t get to see her. I also plan out our weekly meals to help budget our groceries and not knowing which days I’m not going to have to cook dinner I usually end up with stuff for an extra meal. Which I guess isn’t a bad thing, but more annoying to spend money we could use for something else.

I’ve adopted the stance that just because she’s not responsible doesn't mean that I’m going to slack off too. Someone has to look out for the boys, and make sure that their feelings, well being and rights are being met. So this is my effort. I try to make sure that I’m not being her personal assistance, because I’ve gotten plenty angry about being it. So my attitude is that I’m the boys’ care taker, and that I make these efforts for the boys and not to do Jane a favor.

This week we don’t have any days planned for the boys to see Jane. She hasn’t told us any of her days off. And the week is already getting filled up with wedding planning stuff, and social engagements. Hopefully she’ll have Saturday or Sunday available. And even better hopefully she’ll give us a call and let us know which days she has off.

As some of you may also know, I have both her and FH sign and date each schedule I make. Then we give copies to Jane, Jolie (Jane’s mom), and keep the original in a binder. I make notes on scheduled days that she cancels on (in my binder), and whatever excuse she’s given us.

Given the current situation of her not getting back to us with her available dates happens often, what I’d like to know your opinion on is do you think it is necessary to start keeping a log on when we contact her, and when she gets back to us about her days off?

And if we should what should I keep track of? Here is what I'm considering so far:

Date of call
What happened (Message left/conversation subjet)

Is there anything more I should consider keeping track of when it comes to phone calls? Do I need to be more detailed?

I know that sounds super OCD but I don’t want to give her an opportunity to ever say that we prevented her from seeing the boys. I want all my ducks counted, in a row and a paper trail of anything and everything to prevent this.

And to the point, I don’t want her to ever try and say that we didn’t let her see the boys. Especially if it was because she didn’t call us, didn’t call us back, and/or totally slacked on finding out and relaying her days off to us.

So what do you think?

And thank you in advance. I really appreciate all thoughts and opinions you all leave for me. It helps me to see things from the outside – and to take others’ experience in the life of stepfamilies and such.

To end on a positive note, here is the cake that I created for Younger Boy’s 4th birthday party. This year he wanted a blue Blues Clues cake. However, I couldn’t find a bottle of blue food coloring (I need a tablespoon to make the color) so I had to make it green. I had no complaints for creating a green Blues Clues cake.

Happy 4th Birthday Younger Boy!!!

Getting Back to the Basics of Learning

2009-10-20T11:14:00.001-07:00

As some of you may remember, I’ve decided to work with Younger Boy on learning some preschool basics while he’s home. This past week we have been working on tracing and learning the letters. He’s been very excited. I’m not sure what he’s absorbing, but I do know that he really wants to do it. In the middle of coloring yesterday he asked if he could write letters. I don’t even think I could describe my excitement in the fact he initiated the want to write some letters.

We’ve worked our way up to G so far. We tried some free-hand letters but his little hands just can’t quite grasp the crayon the way you’re supposed to be holding it in order to write. So I’ve been writing the letters down and letting him trace over them with a different colored crayon.

I also have letter magnets on the fridge and we’ve been going over some of the letters and words that start with them. Like Thomas starts with the letter T and Olivia starts with the letter O. I don’t expect him to get it, but I’m still excited that he’s been asking what letter different words start with.

He wants so very much to be like his older brothers and to be able to read and write. I want to embrace his excitement to learn and do things, but I want to make sure that I’m doing it right. I need to dumb it down I guess – get back to the basics. I’ve found that to be one of my more challenging things lately when it comes to teaching and helping the boys learn. Remembering how hard it was to learn simple things like letters and adding, because I learned all of that so long ago. Taking that step back is a lot harder than I thought it would be. But I have confidence that I can do this.

I’ve been thinking about getting some letter stencils or alphabet specific coloring books. I’m thinking more hands on things instead of flashcards since he is going to be 4-years-old., but I wanted to see if any of you have any ideas of other things I can get to help teach him the letters and to become familiar with handling crayons?

Younger Boy writing his letters.

Updates – Cats and Kids, Preschool & Meeting Jane

2009-10-14T19:50:00.000-07:00

So before I went MIA for two weeks straight I thought I ought to jump on, wave hello and let you all know that I’m still kicking. October is by far a busy month, socially and work wise. And I haven’t been able to have much of a break because Jane canceled the last two weeks for one reason or another. I’m really feeling it, but I’ll make it. FH and I are flying out to St. Louis for a friend’s wedding. So we’re totally going to soak up some time together.

Cats and Kids
I’m writing a blog for work now for our cat website. It’s about blending a new family with instant kids and a cat. I’m only one entry in so far but I’m hoping that people will like my blog and I’ll get to blog more frequently. Right now I’m at about once a week and I already have a huge list of things to talk about when it comes to cats and kids. I'm really excited because not only do I get to talk about my cat as much as I want (because I do talk about Nasty Cat a lot), but I also get to put a face out there for being a stepmom. I always like to think of me and my cat as a packaged deal of our own. Especially for those moments that FH is not pleased with something that Nasty Cat has done. He brought the kids and I brought the cat...that's just how it is. Take it or leave it.

Preschool
After much discussion, although we could afford to send Younger Boy to the preschool run by the city, it would not be helping us save money for the wedding. I really took to heart all of your comments about how well he’s been learning at home with me. So we’ve decided to wait until next year to send him to preschool. In the mean time I’ve bought some materials and resources so that I can work with Younger Boy at home on learning basic things like tracing, letters, counting and creative play. I’m also going to be looking into the local library hours and possibly some playgroup opportunities.

Meeting Jane
That alone explains this part of the update. It was two weeks ago at her kid’s first birthday party. On the way over I had decided that I was going to go in and meet Jane. A big part of it was because Allison was going to be there and I knew that it would help me feel stronger and less intimidated. Another part was that I realized that I wasn’t as intimidated by the thought of Jane as I used to be. I think meeting her in a public place in front of everyone was a good choice. Although, she had the chance to meet me earlier this year for Allison’s daughters’ birthday party so this wasn’t the first opportunity. I guess it also didn’t hurt that I was in one of those “I’m going to walk in there like I own this position” moods I get in before a job interview. Confidence has never failed me.

It was cake. We walked in and I got big hugs from Allison and her family. I was welcomed by her aunt. And then I pretty much introduced myself to her mid-conversation when it was apparent that no one else was going to do it. I think she was more intimidated by me being there. Especially when we went to pick the boys up because they came over to give us hugs. We lingered a bit afterward talking to Allison. Jane filtered in and out but pretty much kept on the other side of the room with her friends.

The boys made me feel good because I wasn’t ignored. They came over and talked to me, and asked me stuff, and they didn’t throw a fit when we were supposed to leave. I think my main fear was always that I was going to be made to feel like nothing special– and their actions showed both me and Jane that I was anything but nothing special.

So that’s the latest.

Beaming With Pride

2009-09-30T22:18:00.000-07:00

Can you feel it? I believe I’m sending out warm and fuzzy rays of sunshine right now. I had a really great blog entry of progress but after tonight I have to share ... and brag.

Younger Boy received some hard cover Tonka Block Books. There are six of them and they have colors, words, numbers, opposites, etc. He’s been playing with them and pretending to read them lately, and tonight I decided that I was going to read them with him.

First we did words. I would say the word and he would say it after me. I’ll tell you what, listening to a toddler try to say the word “dependable” was cute. Especially when he giggled the first time we read it because he wasn’t sure. But he had the word down. And he loved the word “Fearless.” He actually asked me to use the word. I have no idea where he learned to do that from, but my sentence was “Younger Boy is Fearless.” He really liked that.

Then we did the colors. I know he wasn't reading the actual color words, but since he was saying the correct color I congratulated him on reading the color book by himself. There's nothing like a child's smile to make your giddy and happy inside.

But what really made me proud and excited and giddy was when we did the number book. The numbers are written out as words, but there is also the same number of images on the pages. I counted out one truck, then two trucks. Then I turned the page and he started counting. One, Two, Three. He counted all of the objects through out the book by himself. And it absolutely delighted me when we turned to the last page of the book and he counted out: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten!

Who knew that little stinker could count up to ten. I guess he is paying attention when I count out things.

Oh, and did I mention how proud I am of him? Because I’m definitely proud.

I Think It’s Stupid

2009-09-27T23:40:00.000-07:00

So I think this is one of those nights where I just need to get the thoughts out in order to let it go.

So for those that are kind of new, Jane had another baby last year with her new guy. The baby’s name is Trevor. And for those that might not know, we have the hardest time getting Jane to actually call us with her days off so that we can arrange the days that the boys will see her. She hardly ever asks for them, and it always feels like we have to force her to see them because she never shows any interest or puts any effort into seeing them.

Back to today, we still don’t have her days off for the next two to three weeks (which is what we get at a time from her the way her current shift manager does the schedule). She likes to leave her phone off, leave her phone behind, not answer her phone or just plain not call back. Even if there is a message left reminder her that we really need to find out the dates or that we have something important to tell her.

And today, something kind of lit up in my head about this week. Tuesday is Trevor’s first birthday party. Two or three weeks ago Jane asked if the boys could come to it. Well, I didn’t think anything of it until today. Because today it occurred to me that Jane didn’t ask for them for any of the holidays. I scheduled time for the boys to see her over the holidays. It occurred to me today that this is the first time really (outside of the occurrence for summer vacation time with the two older boys – here) that she’s actually put effort into asking for them.

To the point, and maybe I’ve worked myself into a fury for nothing, but it occurred to me that she put effort into seeing the boys because it was Trevor’s birthday party.

Am I making sense here?

I’ve gotten rather angry about it. Not super angry that I can’t think past it, but angry enough that I think she’s perhaps done an injustice to the boys. She can’t make the effort to call us with her days off to ensure that she sees them every week. She can’t make the effort to make sure that she can get any time to see them for holidays or their own birthdays. But she can make the effort to make sure that they can come to Trevor’s birthday party?

OK, I’ve said it (well, written it) out loud. So maybe she’ll prove me wrong now so that I can feel like a real bitch. But if still makes me pretty angry.

I’m not going to put any effort into wondering why. However, I am going to let it roll down my back and float away. I’ve come to the realization that in order to let it go I need to really feel the emotion and confront it. And once I’ve done so I can say “Eh, Que Sera Sera.”

So I feel a lot better now that I’ve written it. I’m not stewing over it. I feel lighter.

But I still think it’s stupid that she hasn’t called us back with her days off.

Singing My Preschool Woes

2009-09-23T10:59:00.000-07:00

Do you remember your younger childhood schooling days? I’m talking preschool here. I went to a parent co-op preschool and I have such vivid memories of playing there. I remember some of the activities, I remember the songs, I remember my teachers, and I even remember getting in trouble for kissing a boy under a table.

Anyway, Younger Boy is at the age where he is definitely ready for preschool. He knows his colors, he knows his shapes, he knows numbers 1-5 (sometimes he knows 6 and sometimes not. It depends on the day.) And he is so, so, so excited to go to preschool. He asks me everyday if he’s going to preschool and I always have to let him down.

I feel horrible telling him not today. I’ve been trying to make sure he has things to do that aren’t just playing with Thomas and Friends, because at some point in the morning Thomas just isn’t fun anymore. I also refuse to park his butt in front of the TV for more than a half hour. We have play-doh and finger paints and Lincoln Logs – and that’s all great and all but it just doesn’t replace play time with other kids and the opportunities I know an outside preschool teacher can provide.

Now that we’ve moved and are a bit more settled in we’ve really been researching preschools. Unfortunately I can’t consider the more affordable parent co-op preschool because I just can’t take 3 to 4 days off of work every month to help out. So I’ve been looking into the life of private run preschools and our city’s preschool programs.

I’m waiting to hear back from the city’s preschool program because at this point, it looks like it’s the one program we might actually be able to afford. Because whoa – preschool is expensive.

I had no idea just how expensive it was until I started to look at prices. One preschool we looked at, and toured and really liked is about $250/month for a two day a week program. And that was one of the cheaper programs. Others we looked at want $135/week for a two day session!

I don’t want to deprive him of a great opportunity to be social with other kids and to go to preschool, but $250 a month is really cutting into our budget. And considering we’re trying to save up to pay for the wedding, I just don’t realistically see how we can afford it. I’m really sad about this, but I’m not giving up hope.

And trust me that I would ask Jane for help funding if I thought it was one: realistic and two: she could/would help out. But considering that she just can’t afford to help with anything I don’t even want to take a step down that road. Besides, according to their court papers the only thing that is written that she is expected to pay for is medical expenses that go beyond what FH’s medical insurance will cover.

So far the city-run preschool program is the next affordable option, but if not then I’m looking into possibly daycare options. I’d like to at least get him into some social setting so that he’ll have that opportunity to play with children that aren’t his brothers. I know how important social interaction is when it comes to children. Who am I kidding? I know how important social interaction is to adults! I’d also love to be able to send him off to be social without me there. I think that is an important part of him learning his independence and learning more about himself.

Anyway, those are my preschool woes. Wish me luck, and if you have any other ideas of how I can affordably get some socialization in for Younger Boy I’d love to hear them.

Thankful for the Preview

2009-09-18T12:36:00.000-07:00

Despite the “taboo” of living together before getting married, with three kids in the picture I just felt that I had to do it. I was raised Roman Catholic. Since high school I have learned to develop my own ideas. But the “sin” of living together before marriage kept echoing in my head. (Those echoes are hard to turn off after being dragged to church three times a week and having nuns and priests preach down on you about how you are sinning and sure to be sent to burn in hell unless you ask for forgiveness.) After a while thought I said “F” that!

The other big risk that came with living together was of course sacrificing life as I knew it. Like in Izzy Rose’s book “The Packaged Deal” I too sat there many nights before and after moving in thinking to myself amidst tears and frustration and overwhelming feelings “This had better F-ing work out.”

As I mentioned in my last entry, September 15th was my one year anniversary as an instant mom. It involved leaving my dream career, my sister, my friends and my single-gal lifestyle. Being thrown into an instant mom life was by far not easy. Having to figure out meals for a family of five, caring for children full time (that weren’t mine), living with people and trying to hang on to my sanity overnight in no way can be mentally healthy for anyone.

But hey, I’m still here. And I’ve seriously thought about it the last couple of days.

Moving in before getting married has giving me the following:

One – An opportunity to see what daily life might be like. Before I moved in it was me, my sister and the cats. Life wasn’t quite as organized and dinner might range anywhere from a beer and some good food at a pub to a baked potato at home. Socialization was on my terms and if I just wanted to lie around in my room with a book or a DVD I could. Not that I jumped into this relationship and situation with plans on leaving, but by not being married I could indeed still leave if it just wasn’t what I wanted for myself.

Two – An opportunity to experience the crap of living in the aftermath of divorce without feeling trapped. I had a huge epiphany yesterday. I honestly think that had I gotten married and moved in and had to experience some of the things I have had to – I really think that I would have likely felt more bitterly about it feeling like I was trapped by the bounds of marriage. I really hate feeling I’m being forced into something without a choice. Whenever I’ve come across the “I didn’t sign up for this” notion I’ve reminded myself that I did make the decision to be a part of it, and that I was still making the choice to be a part of it. I think having the option to be able to leave has really made me appreciate my situation more. I am making the choice to be here. I’m not trapped and being forced to experience this with no way out. And even though we’re not married yet, I think that living together before hand has helped to make me stronger and more aware of what life is going to be like.

Three – The opportunity to slowly adjust to life with a man and his children, and an opportunity to experience what life is like to be a part of something bigger than myself. I have had so many friends who have gotten married and then found that they just couldn’t tolerate life together afterward. I’ve seen relationships fall apart after moving in with each other. Do I totally love living with all the aspects of an all male household? No way! There is no way in hell that I love smelling the silent and deadly gas that seems to occur every day. There’s no way I love hearing the daily complaining and yelling and whining. But, I’ve learned that these are things that I can tolerate living with. And that the man and boys I’ve chosen to live with I love more and more each day … despite their smelly gas and constant noise.

So after a year I’ve come to realize that I really am thankful for the opportunity to preview what life might be like after marriage. I’m even more thankful for the opportunity to experience all of this with the option to walk away from it. It has made me appreciate it that much more. And despite that we’ve been living together for a year, both my fiancé and I are still absolutely excited about getting married. Our living together hasn’t ruined the excitement of “What’s to come” because there is still so much to come after marriage for us and our new little family.

Wishing And Hoping For Jane

2009-09-16T22:47:00.000-07:00

I’m Back!!!! Michigan was amazing! And crazy! And oh do I have stories and photos to prove it. I also found that a male gives the best ever pedicures and manicures. Every mom definitely deserves to sit in one of those sweet massage chairs and get pampered once in a while. I was long over due. My mini-vacation was definitely some good quality me-time.

September 15th was my official one year anniversary as an instant mom. Whoa. Where did the time go? I thought about writing a big old reflecting entry, but Jane has messed up that. So instead I will share a couple of random introspective thoughts I had on the plane ride back, and then get the “Wishing and Hoping” out of my system.

After a year of being an instant mom:

*I find that I crave for silence and peace and calm whenever I can get it. Whether that be having my fiancé drop me off at Starbucks so I can sit there at a table surrounded by calm. Sitting in the house petting Nasty Cat while soaking in the quiet and still moment when my fiancé is at work, Younger Boy is napping and Older and Middle Boy are at school. I used to wish for companionship and how I just want some quiet and calm time to myself. Even if it’s just 5 minutes – I’ll take it!

*I find that not giving in to frustration is amazing. As an example: The boys started out wanting T*co B*ll over homemade enchiladas. And now they guzzle up homemade egg drop soup and clam marinara sauce over pasta. And that all happened in less than a year. Who would have thought!

*It feels nice to hear the boys refer to us as “my family.” I lowered my expectations of what to expect from the boys and their acceptance of me and our lives together have soared past it. I about cried at my homemade Mother’s Day photo. And having Middle Boy run up to me to give me a hug when I picked him up from their school and after-school program … it was seriously one of the happiest and vivid moments I’ve ever experienced.

*I’m thankful that I have friends who have been children of divorce who have been more than willing to help give me advice and share their experiences with me. Having parents that have been married for 30 years now doesn’t exactly help me relate to a child of divorce. And although I know that everyone’s experience is different, I take in any education and knowledge that I can get. And I am thankful for the opportunity to gain it.

*I am very thankful for all the support I have had and still have as an instant mom. I’m thankful for my fiancé, my parents, my family, my friends and of course all of you other moms and stepmoms. I know there is still a very long road ahead of me, but being able to make it through this first year helps me feel more secure in my new life. Back in college a friend once told me “Your friends believe in you Crys, But you have to believe in you too.” And I do believe in me, but having others believe in me too has helped a lot when the going gets tough.

Hoping and Wishing
Tonight was one of the nights that we brought the boys over to see Jane. We tried to slip in an extra day for her to spend with the boys this weekend. My fiancé called me up to tell me that the extra Saturday didn’t look like it was going to work because Jane had a meeting for a fish society that she belonged too. Then he told me that she was thinking of maybe bringing the two older boys with her.

Well, first my blood boiled because she was again leaving out Younger Boy. Then my heart rate jumped a notch when I thought about it some more – A fish society meeting as your day to spend with your children? Now I work in the pet industry … with includes exotics like fish. I’ve also been to many other niche related meeting. I’ve sat through a veterinary presentation for small mammals, I’ve sat through a bird behavior presentation, and sorority meetings. I’ve sat through all kinds of editors and internet related meetings. And seriously, a meeting where business is being conducted or a presenter is trying to teach something (unless it's directed for and created for children) is not a place for children. It also isn’t the place to spend quality time with your children, in my opinion at least.

I honestly didn’t know what angered me more; the fact that she was leaving Younger Boy out again or that she wasn’t putting the kids best interest first. Because I can tell you now that unless there is a TV or video game on those two boys cannot sit still and focus on something they have no interest in. Luckily, Jane checked her fish society’s website and found out that the meeting had been rescheduled so all three of the boys get to spend some time with her that day after all.

And here it is. My wishing and hoping are that Jane will get a clue and put her children first one day. It doesn’t have to be tomorrow, it doesn’t even have to be next month. But I just hope that for her sake, and for theirs, that one of these days she’ll put effort into spending a good quality day with them doing stuff with them because she wants to, and not just because she has to.

That is a wish and a hope that I have for her after my first year experience as an instant mom.

Mixed Feelings About Michigan

2009-09-07T21:51:00.000-07:00

I’m really excited about this week. One of my old college roommates is getting married on Friday. So I’m flying out to Michigan to attend the wedding. However, my fiancé couldn’t get the time off of work so he will not be accompanying me to this one. (We’ll be flying out together to Missouri for another college roommate’s wedding in October.)

I’m really, really excited because I’ll get to see quite a few different circles of friends out in Michigan. I’ll be seeing one circle at the wedding, another the following Saturday morning and yet another Saturday evening. (I get to crash a bachelor party for my roommate who is getting married in October. I should also mention that this roommate is one of my brides men in my wedding next year.)

I’m really, really, really excited about getting to hang out with all my friends, and to hit up the night scene again. I can’t tell you the last time I actually went out bar hopping and was able to have a fun night out.

I however, am kind of bummed that my fiancé won’t be there with me. I kind of really did want to introduce him to my other life in Michigan. Especially since not all of my friends that I’ll be seeing will be able to come out for our wedding.

It’s rather weird and frustrating having so many different lives. I guess it comes naturally with moving around a lot and having so many different circles of friends in all the different areas that I’ve lived (Western and Eastern Michigan areas, Northern and Southern California and Oregon).

I also, kind of, wish that I could bring the boys with me for the trip. Older Boy had mentioned that he wanted to visit Kalamazoo (where I went to college) and that he wanted to fly on a plane. He of course also mentioned that he would like to visit Michigan during a time that it is snowing. I told him that if we did visit Michigan it would most definitely not be when it’s snowing. Four years of Michigan winters was just enough for this California girl. (OK, technically it was 3 ½ Michigan winters. I left right before a nasty snow storm came in 2005. But that was still enough for my liking!)

I know that one of these days we’ll all be able to all head out there and I can show off and introduce my new family. But I can promise you all now that despite my mixed feelings about my trip out there I will have a great time out in Michigan this weekend. So if you don’t hear from me for a couple of days, you’ll know why.

Watch out Detroit! I’m coming back!

It's Setting In & Some Swank

2009-09-04T22:15:00.000-07:00

It’s Setting In
I picked up my wedding dress and accessories today. Younger Boy came with me to help get out of the house and he proudly helped hold up the bottom of the dress bag for me. I must say it was kind of nice to have the help as I struggle up the staircase with a Caffino, the keys and my purse in one hand and the top part of my dress and bag with my veil and sash in the other. Otherwise I would most likely have dragged the bottom part of the dress bag up the stairs hoping that it wouldn’t tear and dirty the precious gown inside.

Bringing home the whole shebang though and seeing that I had 155 days on my Wedding Countdown Counter on my Facebook page kind of sunk in that I’m getting married next year. And I tell you now; I have been far too busy being an instant mom, an instant domesticated goddess to a family of five and a workaholic to really let it sink in.

And it’s still slowly sinking in that I’m getting married, and I’m officially going to be an instant mom, and that I’ll officially be off the market. Technically I am off the market, but as the saying is sometimes thrown around “I’m not married yet.” But still … it’s just plain weird to me. I enjoyed my long distance relationships that didn't get in the way of my career so much, that it just seemed so out of character for me to suddenly walk away from it all to be an instant mom. I don't think I've stopped to think about any of that either. Who has time to do such things when you're dealing with kids and Jane and work?

I'm getting married. Me … who the longest relationship I’ve had was back in high school (almost two years). And after that I was pretty good at having a new boyfriend every three to six months. And those were the long term ones. A guy was lucky if he was worth dating past two weeks. Even my own mother stopped trying to keep track of who I was dating after I went off to college.

So even though I have this role of stepmother in my heart and efforts, the thought of actually being married and someone’s wife is a whole other issue I’m finally considering.

Weird…just plain weird to me.

Some Swank
The awesome and amazing Swanky Smirking Cat has bestowed upon me the Swank Award. She finds my thought and heart of my stepmom role swanky. So Thanks!!

And now I shall pass on the Swank to my fellow following bloggers:

KweenMama: Who truly is the definition of Swank with her tips and recipes and advice.

JustMe: Who seems to always experience and understand just what I’m going through…because she’s often experiencing it at the same time too. She is by far swanky!

Congrats ladies!

Struggling with the Negative Attitude

2009-09-01T23:01:00.000-07:00

As you may remember for me 2009 is The Year of the Coffee Bean … a.k.a The Year of Being a Positive Influence. Along with that you may remember that I’ve really been struggling in connecting with and working with Middle Boy. Today was another one of those Bang Head on Wall days.

Older Boy and Middle Boy started school yesterday at their new elementary school. Older Boy is in fourth grade and has already made some friends. Middle Boy is in first grade and has told us that he has still not made any friends.

Now trust me when I say that I have been trying ever so hard to be helpful and positive. I’ve pointed out that it’s the second day of school and that sometime making really good friends just takes a couple of days. Both Older Boy and I have given suggestions to Middle Boy on how to go about talking to kids in his class – like asking if he can play; asking if the other kid would like to play; asking the kid simple things like what is your name, who is your favorite transformer … blah, blah, blah.

Middle Boy informed me this morning that he hasn’t tried to make friends with any of the kids in his class because all the kids in his class are ugly.

Can I tell you how hard it was to hold back that frustration and disappointment? Now don’t get me wrong. I clearly remember getting angry with a friend back in first grade and telling her “Well you can’t come to my birthday party!” Now that was the ultimate insult. Whether I planned on inviting her or not, being told that you’re not invited to someone’s birthday party is an absolute diss! But to hear that negativity come out of his mouth seriously made me feel rather saddened and disappointed inside.

I really wasn’t quite sure how to respond to it. I calmly told him that was not a very good reason to not try to be friends with someone. Then the following conversation occurred:

Me: How would you feel if someone said “I don’t want to be friends with Middle Boy because he’s ugly.”
MB: I would feel sad.
Me: How do you know that some of those kids don’t want to be your friends?
MB: I don’t know.

I’ve talked to my future hubby about trying to talk to Middle Boy about this.

I completely understand being the new kid at school. I’ve been there both as a kid and an adult. I understand being shy. But I seriously have a hard time understanding this sort of negative and hurtful view. And lately it seems that Middle Boy is all about not giving a darn about other people’s feelings. I also can't tell if he just doesn't want to put forth the effort to try and make friends or if he's perhaps throwing his negative "I'm better than thou" attitude at these kids. Because if someone said and did the sort of things that he's been doing lately, I wouldn't want to be his friend either.

The other statement he said to me today included:

Me: So did you get to meet your teacher today? (His first day of school he had a sub.)
MB: Yes.
Me: What was she like? Is she nice?
MB: She’s almost fat.
Me: Oh Middle Boy, I hope that you didn’t say that out loud to anyone …Especially in front of her.
MB: I didn’t.

I’m sure there is a parenting book out there on it. If it was clearly labeled “How to work with the Middle Child of Divorce who is in the ‘I don’t care about other people’s feelings’ stage” then I’d be all set. But I don’t think that any publisher out there would be willing to publish that title.

I’m a little at a loss. I want to think that this is a normal stage for kids to go through. I want to think that there is a really simple and easy solution for this. But at the moment I’m really stumped at how to approach it. I’m Ms. Positive Attitude here. I’ve been doing really, really well with being Ms. Positive Attitude. But Ms. Positive Attitude is getting a little frustrated with Mr. Negative and Rude. And at the same time I’m wondering what other factors could be contributing to this attitude. If it’s something along with Middle Child Syndrome; if it’s something with being a child of divorce; if it has anything to do with the type of attitude that Jane has been an example of. Maybe it’s a combination of all of the above, or maybe not. Maybe this is just something every parent has to deal with once in a while when the right personality is unwound in a child.

Sometimes I think being an instant mom blows. My fiancé has been a parent for about 9 years … I’ve been a parent (and with Jane’s help I’ve had to become a main staple parent) for almost 12 months. [That’s right. My one year anniversary as an instant mom is coming up on September 14th.]

Does anyone want to get a martini with me and unwind?

The Not Horrid, The Good, The Amazing

2009-08-27T22:00:00.000-07:00

First off, This is my 100 post.Woo Hoo! Go me!

And on to the rest of it ....

I feel like I have been apologizing so much for my lack of posting. Although I promise I have at least lurked. For those of you that are my friends on Facebook, you know that I’ve been moving. For those of you that aren’t my friends on Facebook, I’ve been moving.

Have I ever told you how much I dislike moving? I hate packing. I hate unpacking even more. In my 28 years of life I have now moved 20 times. And that is no exaggeration; I literally just sat down here and counted it out. And we’re not yet done.

We still have a bunch of junk left at the old place. We still need to unpack a bunch of junk at the new place. And there are all these little things in between that are just not fun.

Anyway, I’ll share three things with you here. There’s the Not Horrid, The Good, and The Amazing.

The Not Horrid - Jane Cancelled
Today was supposed to be the first of her days that Jane is supposed to drive and meet us halfway at Jolie’s. Well, she called in sick. Is she really sick? She had damn better be sick because I had plans to try my best to finish packing up and cleaning out the old apartment that we had to put on hold because we have the kids. But still, it is not the worst thing that could have happened. We got to have a tasty dinner of carne asadas, garlic fries and green beans instead of the Kent*ky Grilled Chicken we were planning on having. And we didn't have to disappoint the boys because they weren't aware that they were going to see her. It's still a pain in the butt, but not telling them when they're supposed to be seeing her has been so great for the times she's had to cancel. Is that going to kick us in the butt at some point, I have no idea. But we have the signed calendars for each visiting period, I make notes when she cancels and why, and we seriously do try our best to accomodate and plan around her sketchy schedule.

The Good - I can see!
I went to my last eye appointment and my vision is pretty good. Not quite cleared totally, but with the continued lubrication of my eyes daily it should get there sooner than later. So I don’t need to make another follow up appointment in two to three weeks. I’m seriously ecstatic. That’s $20 I don’t have to make sure is in my bank account.

The Amazing - A Spot for "Stepmother"
Older Boy and Middle Boy start school this upcoming Monday. That’s not the amazing part though. My fiancé brought home the paperwork to get them registered and on that paper work it asked:

Who does the child live with:

Name (Father/Stepfather/Guardian)

Name (Mother/Stepmother/Guardian)

Did I ever mention to you all the hassle we had to deal with in trying to get my name on the forms at the old school? How many times something happened at school and FH and I didn’t hear about it until the next day because the school called Jolie instead of me? The game of phone tag where the school called Jolie, Jolie called FH and then FH called me? Oh yeah, it was spectacular.

I’m so excited that I get to be included in this … much less of how directly I can be contacted now if something happens at school. Who am I kidding? I was so darn excited that there was a spot on that form for a Stepmother.

And just to end it here is a kid funny:

YB: I get to go to preschool!
OB: Middle Boy, what did you learn in preschool?
MB: I don’t know. Not to throw sand in the air at the other kid.

Awwww! Bless them for providing me with such entertainment. Holding in the giggles was rather painful with my sore muscles from moving, but oh it was oh so funny!

Honest Scrap Award

2009-08-19T23:46:00.000-07:00

So about a week or so ago I received a blog award from the awesome dragonflymama at stepmama metamorphoses. Considering I know I suck at updating when I have chaos among chaos going on I thought I’d give you something to really divulge in. This one would be a bit more introspective though since for this award I’m supposed to reveal 10 things about me that perhaps you do not know.

1. My Myers-Briggs Personality Type puts me as a hard core ENTJ. Most of my friends and family aren’t surprised. I’m an overachiever when it comes to my career and anything involved with it. I create my own systems and if the baton is ever tossed in the air I’m not afraid to catch it and take the lead.

2. When I was 10-years-old my parents sent me off to live with my uncle and his family at the Vandenberg AFB in So Cal. They thought it would be a great idea to send me off to stay with my cousin who is about two weeks younger than me. I hated it. My cousin annoyed me (and she still does today). Plus my uncle traumatized me. He asked us to clean the room and when we were done he came in with a white glove and ran it along the edges of the room and when he found dust he made us clean it again. Was he serious or was he just joking with us? Who knows, but when it comes to making sure that I’ve cleaned up after myself at other people’s homes you could eat off the floor.

3. I’m a survivor. I’m a survivor of so many things. From past posts you know that I lived as a victim for a couple of years. I hit rock bottom so many times I lost count. Then one day I turned my perspective around. I’m no longer a victim of any of the horrors that have been thrown my way. The thing that made me open my eyes to this was the book “Illusions” by Richard Bach. I still turn to it when I don’t know where else to go or what else to do. I wouldn’t say that it saved me, because I saved myself. But it did help make a path through the fog that I had chosen to stay in.

4. I am totally a cat person. Even though they’re a bunch of punk fuzz butts … I couldn’t imagine life without a cat. I’ve had a cat since 4th grade. I was without a cat while I was at college, and sometimes going to a friend’s house that had a cat made all the difference. Their affection might be on their terms, but when I’m really upset having a cat around sure helps a lot.

5. I love nature. Whenever I’m really run down a good walk up a trail, sitting among the redwoods or lounging by the ocean can really recharge my energy. I cannot wait to get a house with a backyard so that I can start a garden up. Digging in the dirt, watching things grow and breathing in the smell of rain and plants are amazing. I couldn’t even begin to describe the serenity and calmness of it.

6. Orchids are my flower. They’re mysterious and beautiful. They’re also my family flower from sorority. An orchid always makes me feel pretty, and refreshed, and energetic – no matter what kind of day I’m having.

7. I have four tattoos. I could probably do without them, but at the time in my life that I got them I really felt I needed them. I have a purple butterfly to remind me to never be afraid to spread my wings and venture into the unknown. I have a purple rose to remind myself of the beauty that I have hidden within. And that no matter how disgusting I may feel, I’m not. I have a shooting star to remind me to never give up on myself, and to never give up on life. And I have snowflakes on my back to remind me that my friends have faith in me, even when I may not. They’ve served as reminders of the hard times I’ve been through, and that I got through them.

8. I discovered that life was worth living my sophomore year of college. A friend of mine killed himself. And I was lost for about three days. That was when I realized that only I could change my life around from the downward slope I was sliding down. That was when I realized that no matter how horrible life seemed, I could never stand the thought of hurting my friends and family the way that I was hurting. It is unfortunate that he died. But his death inspired me to live mine.

9. Not only am I the oldest child but I’m also the first granddaughter of my mom’s side of the family. I’m also the oldest of all my friends and for some reason have always been the golden child amongst all of them. I was put into many play dates with other children who weren’t quite as golden in hopes that my “goodness” would rub off on them. I felt that pressure to not fail and to not disappoint the adults around me. I felt the need to be the perfect child, to always be the perfect child. Perhaps that is why I’m always hard on myself when it comes to the things I do in life. But I’ve slowly been learning that perfection isn’t attainable, and that accepting life and yourself for what it is will bring me toward true happiness.

10. My philosophy is that you can learn something from everyone that comes into your life. Whether it is someone you’ve known for years, months, weeks, days, hours or minutes. If you take the time to look at the people that come into your life you can learn something about yourself, something you’d like to strive toward, or something that you’d not like to be. I take in lessons like a sponge takes in water. I’ve also learned that sometimes you can learn multiple lessons from one person. And I believe that you can always learn something new.

So now I’m to pass this award along to some other bloggers. I can’t remember how many so I’ll pick a few that I think might enjoy this.

Rachael – One Unbelievable Adventure

Heather – Comparative Childhood

Jenn – The Not-So-Divine Secrets of Motherhood